still traumatised from birth

[woodstock]

I had planned (and planned and planned) for a natural birth with my first child. That was probably my first mistake. My waters broke on my due date at about 8:00P.m. which I thought was a good omen. Anyway, labour didn't start right away and the MW told me to try to get some rest or come in by 2:00 p.m. of the next day whichever came first. Labour didn't start until I was on my way to hospital. Long story short, I was in labor for 24 hours, begged to be considered for a c-section at which point the OB came in and discovered ds had been breech the entire time. He was born by section within 30 minutes. I keep trying to get on without thinking about it but ds is now a year old and I am still in counseling and on Zoloft. I am so angry that no one discovered his position earlier. The pediatrician said that, from the position of his legs after birth he had been breech "a very long time and should have been diagnosed". I feel guilty that I did not get a second opinion during pregnancy as I had times that I felt the MW's weren't as thorough as they could have been with my prenatal care. Has anyone had a similar experience?

Sorry to hear you've had such an awful time. I don't have a similar experience with a breech baby but there were things about ds's birth that were just wrong. I found complaining to the head of midwifery at the hospital trust very therapeutic (partly because I got a satisfactory, apologetic response, explaining how they'd addressed the issues I raised). Is this something you've considered?
There are lots of people on here who've had difficult births so I imagine one will be along soon to support you.
Best wishes,

Woodstock, so sorry to hear this. PLease, please don't feel it is your fault that you 'planned' a natural birth, or that it didn't happen that way. I had a similir experience - but not as 'outrageous' because DS was only OP, not breeech. i think writing to the head of midwifery about the lack of identification of a breech baby is a good idea.

I feel the whole nature of 'planning' birth has got a bit over-emphasised. All we can do is prepare ourselves for the conditions most likely to enable birth to progress without intervention, but if intervention is needed, it is not our fault, nor was it our 'mistake' to do the preparation. You did give birth to your baby - and who knows, it may even have been possible to have a natural birth even though your baby was breech. I am so sorry that you went through a long labour under 'false pretences' - but I laboured for 28 hours including 3.5 hours pushing before conceding that going to hospital for a ventouse delivery was the only answer. When I got there the consultant said 'if you'd been in hospital, this baby would have been a CS hours ago'. I was actually PLEASED that they managed (just) with ventouse, and not a CS, so it was worth it to have been through all those hours of fruitless pushing and natural methods at home.
By being so determined to have a 'natural' birth, you might, possibly , have managed it because they didn't know your baby was breech (if they'd known the baby was breech they would have done a CS without trying, I presume)- and you would have been pleased. Unfortunately, very unfortunately, it didn't happen and you got the worst of both worlds. But you gave yourself the best chance of fulfilling your plans - I think you should be giving yourself a massive pat on the back.

Also, has your DH/P acknowledged your fantastic achievement in going through such a labour and giving birth? Maybe you need some big congratulations - i know I felt that my DP was being so fantastic in practical support after the birth, but I don't feel i ever got the Olympic Gold Medal ceremony that I deserved!

woodstock, sorry you had such an awful experience. births just don't go to plan, do they? I had dreams of a very quick active birth crouching down in a corner - and ended up on a drip, attached to a fetal monitoring machine and with a ventouse. I think that there is a heavy dose of luck involved with those who have a natural birth without intervention/pain relief etc, and positioning can scupper things quite badly.

I agree with the other posts that you may find it beneficial to have a meeting with the head of midwifery and go through your labour notes, to explain to you from the medical perspective how you end up in the situation that you did. When I was in hospital the girl in the next bed to me had a similar situation to you - in that she had come to hospital to find that she was 9cm dilated and the baby was breech, and was whisked off for an emergency c-section. She had a check up 3 days earlier where they told her the baby was in a normal head down position - she couldn't understand how on earth they hadn't realised the baby wasn't breach either! Please don't feel guilty for not looking for a second opinion - there is only a limit to how much anyone can be expected to do, over and above turning up to the check ups.

Hope that the counselling and ADs are of some help to you.

Take care

x

woodstock, sorry to hear you are feeling sad about this. I had a horrible birth with my first child - I spoke to my HV about it over 2 years later and she put me in touch with a service that my local hospital were offering. It was simply a chance to talk through your birth, with your notes, with an experienced midwife. It was immeasurably helpful.

I was nervous all through my pg with dd2, and yet I finally had the quick, natural birth I wanted. So there is always hope. Good luck x E

Woodstock
I'd echo what Enid said. I too had a dreadful first birth and a wonderful second one, which was evrything I wanted from the first. For me this second experience actually brought my sadness about the first eperience back to the foreground -mainly because I felt robbed of the amazing first moments with my son that I had with my daughter the second time. By the time my son was born (induction, 48 hours of labour, almost emergency CS, eventual ventouse delivery on operating table..) I felt wrung out and like I had no energy left for him at all - almost disintereted for the first hour. But at the end of the day I think you have to try and put it into perspective - nothing that happened was your fault and you have a beautiful son. Talking to the hospital may help you move on - hope you find peace in this.

myfriend gave birth to an undiagnosed breech and was very traumatised by the whole experience. Her injuries from the birth were awful and she suffered terrible PND. Please dont feel bad about what happened. i had an horrific first labour/birth experience but at the end of the day we were both alive at the end of it, nothing is perfect. Alot of women end up having c-section/assisted births and there is nothing to feel bad about. I think all these magazines that romanticise about the 'perfect' birth do women an injustice. Some women find labour and birth easy, others dont. Nothing is written in stone

{hugs{}} to you

I was lucky in that I had a fantastic easy elective section, but on other threads I have read that Sheila Kitzinger's Birth Crisis helpline is enormously helpful for women who have had traumatic births and post-traumatic stress etc. I don't know the number or web address but I know it has been posted before and I'm sure someone will be able to find it for you. Good luck and I'm very sorry you still feel so bad.

I had a "normal" birth but was left feeling very traumatised and shocked by the experience. (Largely due to rude and incompetent staff!) I found going through my medical notes with someone very helpful and I saw a counsellor to talk over the experience, I still suffer with PND and struggle to cope with the birth. I am mostly upset because I would love to have another but cannot imagine how I could ever put myself through that again. I sort of feel like I'm just really bad at pregnancy and birth!!! (I know that sounds silly!)

I too feel guilty about many aspects .... things I should have done when I was pregnant..... lots and lots of things I should have said during the birth.

I guess I just have to try and think how I could make it better the next time round.... not make the same mistakes. Speak up and stand up to those MWs.... get a doula....etc

You did it.... you survived and you have a gorgeous baby.... let yourself grieve over the birth you wanted and then try and move on, learning from the experience. You did a fantastic job, just remember that.

Woodstock - Birth Crisis site

I didn't get in touch with the Birth Crisis network, but even just reading the articles on the site reassured me that I wasn't going mad by feeling the way I did (and sometime still do) after ds' birth.

Keep talking about it. All the best

thank you all so much. It is very helpful hearing from others. Like Sam27 I had thought that I would have another child but am now really nervous about it. would it help me overcome this or be another bad experience? Impossible to say, I know. Also, I had Bell's Palsy in my third trimester and I am anxious that it might happen again. I think going over the notes is an excellent idea.

another website that may be useful:-

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk

I just checked out the birth trauma website and it is fantastic! Lots of helpful advice. My counsellor had suggested that I had PTSD instead of (or in addtition to) PND and reading this site helped to validate that. Thanks for the link.

Woodstock, v quickly - I've just written an article on second births, and they really do tend to be much, much easier (the way one midwife put it to me was that the body is like a computer, that needs to be 'programmed' by the first birth, and can then get on with it the next time). My first birth was awful - my second was incredibly straightforward.

I thought it was because you were stretched out 'in there' and so it made it so much easier! My first was a very long painful labour that lasted 27 hours and ended in forceps. The second was incredibly easy, fitted between tea time and bedtime (we were at home) and caused very little pain indeed. Even at its worst I could tell I could stand far more. She was a 9lb 9oz baby but really just fell out. I said to the midwife that I could do that again but she warned me that No. 3 was often as bad as number one so bang goes my stretched theory. I like the pregnancy and labour but couldn't cope with more than 2 children so I think we stop here!
Sarah

What a relief to read the thread - I thought I was on my own, going a bit mad! My first (and only!) child was born two years ago and I thought I had got over it, but found myself sobbing last week when remembering the experience. I had a great pregnancy and had a home birth planned, but developed Pre-Eclampsia at 38 weeks. Spent a vile week in Guys Hospital being monitored and then was induced at 39 weeks. Experienced 6 hours of contractions, got to 4cm when a random midwife checked on me and say the baby was breech. I had raised concerns for months before to doctors and midwives about something hard under my ribs. They injected me to stop the contractions and tried to turn the baby twice. This didn't work so had to do an emergency c-section. They had persuaded me to take part in a 'should women eat in labour study' so couldn't perform my 'emergency' c-section for several hours. The operation was terrifying, but the baby was well. I felt nothing but fear when I saw the baby for the first time - I almost felt like I hadn't actually given birth - bizarre. Got back to my birthing room to find all our possessions had been stolen (wallets, cameras mobile phones) so my husband spent first 30 mins of our sons life cancelling cards and talking to the police.
The time in the postnatal ward was a nightmare - 26 women with screaming babies - no chance of any rest. Got home and my baby screamed every time I tried to breastfeed him. I expressed for 5 weeks which was degrading and humiliating. He developed reflux at 6 weeks which again was a nightmare - trips to children's A&E (my doctor didn't understand or even know much about reflux) and finally medication.

I spent the first 6 months feeling helpless, tearful, lonely, unable to do the most 'natural' thing in the world and resentful of the lovely life I had lost pre-baby.

Anyway, he's a fantastic little 2 year old boy now and I adore him - still totally exhausting and trying! But yes, I can remember life before him and I feel terribly guilty for that and sad that I'm not more of an earth mother! I would love him to have a sibling, but I'm terrified.

sorry, haven't read all this thread, but would just like to say the Birth Crisis Network Counsellors are fantastic and definitely worth calling, helps you get some dignity back.

Like you snellis I had thought something was wrong almost my entire last trimester. The baby didn't feel right under my ribs and didn't move much at all. I never felt the kicking sensations that other women talked about and started asking at every appt. if he was in the correct position. I guess it was some kind of sixth sense on my part. Anyway, every time the MW would confidently reassure me that he was head down.
Also, the first 6 months were definitely the worst and I wound up expressing breastmilk the same as you. Felt resentful and like somewhat of a failure that breastfeeding didn't work out. I do try to focus on the fact that he is a wonderful healthy little boy but some days are still better than others for me. His birthday recently brought everything back quite vividly.

Just wanted to add my tuppence ha'penny.
I had my daughter 10 weeks ago today & she was undiagnosed breech. I let it go as 'just one of those things', I think she only turned near the end, and the midwife missed it but it was a sweltering day in June & there was a student midwife there and they just missed it. I got into the birthing room, birth pool filled & ready when they realised she was breech. I was only 1cm dilated & the internal examination was agony, from being very calm after 6 hours labour & contractions every 30 secs I started shaking all over and couldn't contol myself. I opted for CS & it was all going OK, felt like it was my choice, everyone introduced themselves in operating room except surgeon who didn't tell me or rather ASK me if I minded being operated on by a student... the 1st thing I knew about it was flat on my back, screen in front of me, hearing 'Now there are 3 ways you can do this, I recommend this one...' Was not happy, but could cope with it as all other personnel were brilliant. BUT my partner watched them pull her out & at the time made a comment to them about not being too rough with her neck. I noticed 3 weeks later she only puts her head on one side, turns out they tore a muscle on her neck & to cut a long story short we now have to stretch/massage her as much as possible to ensure 1) she can hold her head straight & look to both sides when she grows up and 2) her head does not become mal-formed. she screams so badly whenever we have to do this, and you tell yourself she won't remember,but what about when she's a bit older?. My partner cries when he has to do it as it sounds so painful. All this so say, my anger isn't personal, it's for her. I would like to personnally do some neck twisting to the surgeon and the student. babies are tough, but they're SMALL.. grrrrrrr
But, as others have said, I have a happy 99% healthy baby, who should be 100% in 2 years. she's going to really hate the stretching in 1 year, let alone 2.

LucyR
That is an awful story and i imagine very hard for your dp to re-live the moment he saw them do it (as he obviously told them!!).
I think you sound incredibly calm about it all (though i know you'd have little choice) and am glad your dd is o.k and hope she doesn't suffer to much with the stretching

(have copied this from an old thread!)

I was taken into hospital at my 39 week check with slightly raised blood pressure. They kept me there for a week and monitored me, it went back down and all was fine. At 40 weeks they decided to induce me for a combination of reasons. Stupidly, I thought this meant that I would have a baby within the next couple of days!

5 doses of prostin later, nothing. They were so understaffed that they wouldn't give me the prostin in consecutive doses, but one dose a day (in case I overstimulated and they had no-one to deal with it). After 5 days I got fed up and went home. Came back in a couple of days later and they tried again to no avail. Finally I dilated sufficiently for them to give me an A.R.M, so I had an epidural and they did. Put me on the syntocinin (?sp) drip for 12 hours and although the monitor said I was having contractions, I didn't progress.

They then said that I should go for an emergency caeserian, which had been the plan all along if labour did not progress.

The caeser was fine, Louisa was born healthy and weighing 8lb 15oz, screamed her lungs out as soon as she was born!

As they were stitching me up, I noticed that my husband had gone rather pale and they asked him to leave the theatre. I looked up and the cloth that they hang in front of you was covered in blood. They told me I was having a post partum haemmorage and that they were going back in to try and stop it. I then lay there for 2.5 hours with them running around and screaming (literally) down the phone for more blood, during which time I was shivering uncontrollably and biting my lips, which took a couple of weeks to heal up.

After 2.5 hours they said that they were going to have to give me a general anaesthetic and that I had to sign a consent form to say that they could perform a hysterectomy - this was my first child so I was understandably reluctant, but of course signed it.

So after a 9 hour general anaesthetic I woke up in intensive care on a ventilator surrounded by my family. I had had a 10 litre blood transfusion, it had just kept going in one end and out the other for hours and hours....(hence my name on mumsnet!) I was in there for a day and then in HDU for 2 days and nights. I was on morphine for 5 days and couldn't even hold Louisa let alone feed her for 3 days.

My husband was deeply traumatised, (definte PTSD), he had been convinced that I was going to die, they came down at one point when he was standing outside the hospital and the doors were on a delay as it was the middle of the night. He said the Senior Reg was standing on the other side of this glass door staring at him and he knew then that I was dead. In fact she had come down to tell him that his parents had phoned and were on their way.

We both still feel that what should have been the happiest day of our lives was in fact the worst, however we are so delighted with our beautiful daughter that we are considering going through it all again soon. We got through it by talking about it and crying a lot together. In a way it has made us much closer, we have realised how much we love each other and how precious life is.

Fortunately I had no birth plan as I figured that was a recipe for disappointment. I do still cry about it, in fact I had coffee with PPH yesterday and was snivelling a bit I think it's normal to feel traumatised after a dodgy birth, your expectations are so high and it is invariably a disappointment IME.

My dd is now 2, these feelings are receding but still very much there. Quite honestly I just feel lucky to be alive and to have a healthy dd!

Dear AngelLiz,
have changed my name from LucyR as didn't realise was supposed to use nickname
thanks for your kind post, this was my 1st on mumsnet & appreciate so much being able to vent.
CountessDracula, woodstock and all others with -tive birth experiences, I suppose for all of us to greater and lesser degrees it's better luck next time. which probably isn't much help when you feel so scared, but don't forget how brave you already are - you've done it once in really bad circumstances and come out triumphant (eventually) with assorted ds and dd. That's a really incredible achievement.

Lucy R and Countess D,

Your terrible stories have made me feel very humble. I'm so sorry you had such difficulties. My experience has rather paled into insignificance. But I guess all tricky births are mentally painful - and the fact that we are all talking about it has got to be a good thing.

I do wish though that pre-natal classes warned you more of some of the problems that can arise -and how it can leave you feeling sad, lonely and totally alone (that it's not always a natural, wonderful feeling when you have your first child).

Also, how exhausting are children? No one warned me just what hard work it really is!??!!!

I say a big congratulations to all mums out there - there can't be many jobs harder!

lucyr - have you tried cranial osteopathy? after traumatic birth with ds1 it had a dramatic effect, he fellasleep in the practitioners arms and after each treatment fell asleep for up to 4 hours. don't know if it would be suitable of if you have already tried it but if you are interested go by recommendation of if you are near devon there is someone i could recommend.

I agree about talking about how hard it is. Some of my friends apparently wanted to "protect" me from this (?!) during my pregnancy. I say, talk about everything, the good and the bad. Being a mum is the hardest work I've ever done. Of course we all love our children but it certainly is OK to admit how tough things can be. I found a wonderful book on the topic called The Mask of Motherhood that was very helpful.