How did you get over your first?

[NML2286]

Hi all

Starting to consider TTC #2 but the things that's holding me back the most is the fear of pregnancy and birth again.

I'm aware I didn't have it as bad as it could be but I still feel traumatised by being induced by the drip, the pain of contractions combined with the awful pain of SPD and the uterus infection I got following the emergency C section. I'm desperate to have a natural birth second time round but also terrified of the pain I experienced. 8 failed attempts at epidurals means I probably can't rely on that for pain relief.

My question is, how did you get over your first birth to go on to have a second or was there anything that helped you put it behind you? I'm considering hypnobirthing to ease the anxiety but the fact I'm getting anxious and fearful before I even start TTC makes me think that when I'm actually pregnant it will be terrifying.

Thanks in advance

Hi there, I’m so sorry to hear about your experience. I would recommend reading ‘Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth’ as it has loads of natural birth stories as well as good, sensible information about how things being medicalised can sometimes start a cascade of problems. I can definitely recommend hypnobirthing. If if appeals to you, perhaps you could schedule a hypnotherapy session before trying to fall pregnant? It may give you an idea of how responsive you are and help you to deal with the understandably negative emotions from your previous delivery.

I didn't get over my first, I'm not sure I ever will. I still have nightmares about elements of it. I just wanted another child more if that makes sense. For me as an only child, the need for ds to have a sibling pushed me through a lot of my fears (long labour, fever, failed forceps, emcs I hallucinated through, massive mental breakdown with psychotic episode, NICU stay for him, pnd, etc) plus I thought it probably couldn't be any worse.

I made a journal of my pregnancy experiences which helped a lot. I was honest with all staff about my fears. I treated myself with silly little things for every appointment survived. I made sure I took support to every single appointment even though my consultant was nothing but supportive (just scary).

Pregnancy was fine to start with, up until a couple of weeks before my first consultant appointment at 24 weeks. Then I went through a stage of "what the hell am I doing", tried to run away mid conversation because I felt so overwhelmed at the consultant appointment. Cried a lot. Calmed down because they said I could have a repeat c-section under general anesthetic and just distracted myself a lot until around 35 weeks when the panic started again.

I didn't get the birth I planned for (no general anesthetics, no baby taken straight out of theatre, no not going into labour) but my experience was a million miles from my first and so much better.

Time, and as someone mentioned reading positive experiences of second births. I was induced with back to back baby first time and I know others have had it far worse but it was enough to make us stop and consider the second. We always planned to have two and eventually decided it was worth the risk, all of the reading suggests second births tend to be quicker at the very least and usually with less complications.

I just told myself that it couldn't possibly be as bad again.

Ist pg - very bad 'morning' sickness and then caught whooping cough; 29 hour labour that resulted in ventouse, epsiotomy and bad tear; DC in NICU for a week and me being hospitalised and needing a blood transfusion.

I was right the second time was so much better. Probably just luck!

Why not start hypnobirthing now? You don't need to be pregnant to do hypnosis.
I second reading positive birth experiences, subsequent births are usually easier than first births. I had an induction with my first too and the pain is truly horrific. I went into labour spontaneously with my second and the pain was so weak in comparison I totally underestimated how far along I was.
I also recommend talking about your birth experience. I talked about it with my partner, went through all the details, asked him how he'd experienced it... That helped a lot.

I think I basically I forced myself to to an extent because I wanted mine to have a sibling.
That and requesting an ELCS to try and bring a degree of control to the situation

I’m not there yet (only 11 months post partum so still breastfeeding and rehabbing knackered pelvic floor etc, but would definitely like another baby) but what was a big help for me was going over my labour notes with the gynae. Lots of hospitals offer this, they are your notes so you can ask to see them. It just helped me feel more ownership over the experience and to clarify some of the blurry bits.

Hypnobirthing can be great (the techniques I learnt still help me stay calm and centred in stressful moments, and were a really useful tool dealing with a tough delivery) BUT there is a strong message that intervention is best avoided and thatideology did make me feel a bit like a failure for needing forceps when actually for us, intervention meant a live birth and was therefore brilliant. So if you’re going to do it, go into it aware that not all the ideology is useful, but the techniques really are.

And reading this bit of Constance Hall’s ‘like a queen’ made me feel good too...

Here

Second child was a surprise so no choice but so much easier than the first (IVF, 3 days in labour, lots of bleeding, tested for cancer, early, small for dates, NICU etc) and was a waterbirth same day so they can be so much easier.

12 months of women's health physio and 6 of birth trauma counselling and then a drunken fumble! Currently in the waiting room waiting for my consultant appointment reminder a section!

Time. And an elective section.

23years between my 1st and 2nd. I couldn't remember the pain😂. 2nd Labour was very quick .

I thought it was unlikely to be worse than the first time. I am still traumatised by birth 1...thankfully birth 2 went very well and was v straightforward. I saw it as a means to an end, just something I had to do to complete the family.

Knowing before I even got pregnant with my second that I could have an ELCS!

Thank you all so much. You are all brave mamas. Such good advice everyone you are giving me such a sense of strength.

Verbena I absolutely love that book exact thank you very much, I'm going to definitely read that. That is totally the kind of attitude I need to embrace.

Glad it helped - I was so glad I’d read it before going in because it helped me push back against the ‘intervention=failure’ feelings. The book has good bits and less good bits, but that bit is a really important reminder! Good luck.

Requesting an elective c section.

My first labour was very long, very stressful, episotomy, foreceps, PPH, long and painful recovery. I've never quite got over it.

Now I'm 33 weeks pregnant with DC2 and have said since day 1 I wanted an elective as my anxiety is through the roof. I've jumped through all of their hoops for mental health assessments and counselling and am due my final consultant sign off appointment in the next 2 weeks. I know I can't be calm enough to have the birth I want, so I am taking the control and having the birth I can control and be calm through instead.