Struggling with newborn, advice needed.

[Samantharaexee]

My son is 3 weeks old and he is perfect in every way which is why I feel guilty for feeling this way. Im finding it really hard to adjust to this new life of being a mom and I'm still not recovered from labour. I'm dealing with a horrible episiotomy infection after my stitches burst which doesn't seem to be getting better. I've also got horrible constipation and struggling to go even once a week. My partner does what he can but I do have my mother who have been really helpful. I should be feeling over joyed but I just want my freedom back. When will I start to feel normal again? Advice needed ☹️

Argh I feel your pain literally!! You will get through this the same happened to me and I got an infection after a epsiotomy! Don't feel bad for how you are feeling it is bloody hard when you are exhausted and in that much pain but it will get better believe me!

Don't feel you 'should' feel any particular way. You're still physically recovering, it's not always love at first sight especially when it can be so hard.

Thanks Seechiebaby 😫 I'm struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. Do you remember how long it took for your episiotomy to heal? I've been keeping an eye on it but it just doesn't look like it's getting any better

You will feel normal, you will. It takes time to adjust to having a new baby at the best of times and if you have had a traumatic/difficult birth it is especially hard.

Don't put yourself under any pressure to feel anything in particular. There are no shoulds. I worried for months that I didn't love my son at first. Of course I bloody did, it just didn't feel like I expected it to. There was, no 'rush of love' as I was led to believe there would be but a few months down the line I realised it ha been there all the time, it was just hard to see/feel in a sore/sleep deprived/shocked/harrased state and I was like that for at least a few months.

Please do talk to your HV or midwife and if you haven't already, try and seek support from your friends. Did you do an ante natal group? Are there any local baby groups. You will most definitely not be the only one struggling, I promise.

Get all the support you can, don't push yourself to do anything other than recover and care for the baby. Limit chores to loading dishwasher and doing washing, at the most. If it doesn't get done, it honestly doesn't matter. Move away from the mess and ignore it. Concentrate on you. Once you are feeling better, the focus can shift but you must must must look after yourself.

It does get better my little boy is 12 weeks and now the first 6 weeks feel like a blur even though at the time I thought i would always feel like that...I used to just randomly cry and feel bad for not being happy . I had episiotomy and mine was fine by 6 weeks . Also the constipation ....I cried trying to go one time my partner asked if he should ring an ambulance (it was a bad day!) but in last couple of weeks it just seemed to get better though I have been eating less dairy as heard that helped. I still have some days where I count down the days until DP is home but now the good outweighs the bad. I took him to his first baby group at 9 weeks and take him swimming now too , it helps speaking to other new mums. I think once he started smiling at me it seemed better and now he interacts more. The first couple of weeks just felt like I was giving for nothing in return. Hope you feel better soon

I would definitely recommend a packet or two of senokot, dulcoease (stool softener) and probably some anusol as you might end up with piles. Would also recommend tea tree oil for the bath and pure aloe Vera gel to chill and put on sanitary towels for soothing your stitches. It’s a grim time at first, isn’t it?!

My little girl is 12 weeks now and, although it sounds like empty words, everything you’ve mentioned will pass and you’ll suddenly be sat there feeling fine with a beautiful baby smiling up at you - I was a bit underwhelmed by my feelings for DD at the start but now she’s doing more she absolutely melts my heart.

My stitches were grim and I caught them lots, bled everywhere and hurt my back trying to avoid hurting them. But they healed and it honestly took far less time than I expected. You’ll get there and you’ll pretty much forget all that ever happened.

Also, going out with your baby for the first time alone is a big deal...each time you do it, it’ll get easier and then you won’t think twice about it and have some freedom back :)

1. How to help stitches heal

Simple answer is Fresh Air! Be naked from waist down Sit/sleep on an old towel. It makes a huge difference (bitter experience)

1. Constipation. Call the gp and ask them to prescribe stool softeners. Lactulose never worked for me. Ask for Cosmocol. Take lots! Don't be afraid to go back and ask for a different prescription if what they give you at first doesn't work! Don't be embarassed, dr and pharmacy have heard it all before.

Your body will get back to normal, but the gp is there to help. Please use them.

Oh op! I was you 7 weeks ago. I’d never felt so miserable in all my life. I was putting myself under huge pressure with trying to make breast feeding work and would basically cry and cry and cry some more.

I’d beg dh not to leave me at home with the baby, told him how lucky he was to be going to work and I’m even ashamed to admit now that one day I had thoughts of leaving dd in her car seat on the pavement while I drove off (I didn’t and never would do this just to be clear)

People would cheerily ask how it was all going and I’d be fighting to keep myself from crying. I really missed my old life. And I’d feel sad when I remembered life with just me and dh.

But she’s 11 weeks tomorrow and I feel massively different. Couldn’t imagine life without her and I enjoy spending time with her.

Anyway, sorry to ramble on but you’re not alone and it will get better.

OP It took 2 weeks after the antibiotics to feel better I was then able to sit down without piles of cushions and it not take 19 minutes and could get up and about to pick up the baby and this made a massive difference. You won't feel as dependent on other people then. I remember the pain trying to sit or get off the toilet but that will pass too honestly. I started going for a wee in the shower in the end and did this every time and it worked wonders. Just make sure you pat yourself dry afterwards. I know this is weird but it worked to sit on a towel and let yourself properly dry out if you can or lie on the bed for ten minutes with a row underneath and thus rammed to help a lot. I couldn't do the salt baths as it was too painful and the practise nurse advised against it when I asked her at that stage so it's worth checking that. Homsrtly though it will feel better very soon but I completely agree it is herrendous and I was beside myself but it's because of the pain you are in and feeling helpless but as soon as the pain goes away and you can move freely you can start to adjust then to having a newborn to take care of. Are you on it on tablets by any chance as this made my constipation worse too?

That was supposed to say iron tablets xx

OP you are NOT alone. Mine is coming up for five weeks and it has been really hard. I had No idea how overwhelmed I’d be. I literally sobbed for a day before my husband went back to work. I would have done anything to be the one going back to work. He was a real help as like you I had an episiotomy and was really sore down there. I couldn’t cope with breastfeeding and was crying at every feed as he wouldn’t latch. I couldn’t sleep despite being exhausted. I’d sob uncontrollably. Every time he cried I felt like I was being stabbed in the heart and couldn’t fix him. However, even 2 weeks later things have gotten better. I gave up breastfeeding as it was just too much. I now express and give some formula. This took the pressure off massively. Though I worry about giving him second best and being judged a bad mother I had to do something for my own mental well-being.

Since my husband has gone back to work I’ve spent so much more time with him and I’m getting to know his cues and how to satisfy him. Lots of times I get it wrong but every time I get it right it feels like a real triumph. Every day it feels like we make a bit of progress. I won’t lie it is still hard and I miss having anything resembling independence but it is improving.

Hang on I there. I found the best thing was to talk about it. Be honest, cry, say how you feel regardless of what others may think. Get it out. Plus take the pressure off any way you can. Don’t bother with anything other than the baby.

Good luck.

Oh god, huge hugs

I had an extended episiotomy with some burst stitches and an infection. It is fucking miserable. Took 8 weeks to feel/look better. I’d agree with the poster who says stay naked and just have a towel or puppy pad to sit on - fresh air and keeping as dry as possible are good. Start doing kegels as soon as possible, as I think they encourage blood flow to the area which helps healing. Once it’s healed, massaging the scar daily with unscented oil really helps with tightness and itching. Mine improved again dramatically around 7 months (stopped itching and pulling), and now (11months) you can barely see it, even the granular heal where the stitches burst, and I rarely think about it.

Constipation with episiotomy was worse for me than (back-to-back, big baby) labour; keep hassling GP for laxatives that work for you, drink plenty of water, and plenty of fibre/fruit and veg. I was on iron tablets after postpartum haemorrhage but even in these circumstances my GP said to stop my iron tablets until my constipation was sorted, and to have lots of high iron foods in the meantime (steak, dark chocolate, yum!).

Hang in there, it gets so much better! Xxx

Also, are you on antibiotics? If you’ve finished them but your wound doesn’t feel much better, go back and push for more. I ended up needing 2 weeks of 2 sorts to clear mine - things should be feeling a bit better each day; if they get worse, go back.

And paracetamol works best if you keep on top of it, so regularly spaced doses through the day if you’re still in pain rather than waiting until you’re desperate.

Learning to breastfeed lying down was also a big help.

Sorry to waffle, just really feel for you having been through similar!

I'm so glad I've seen this post, after spending the evening feeling like a rubbish mum to my almost 4 week old. I love her so much, but I am exhausted even though she's a really good baby, and am finding myself pining for my old life a bit.... I feel like the devil even typing that! And panicking I have some form of post natal depression as I should be overjoyed with happiness....

I think my birth experience has a lot to do with it tbh, it all went horribly wrong with an intense induction, she was very up and down with her heart rate so had a ridiculous amount of examinations, tried pushing for an hour with no joy, then attempted manual turning and forceps by 2 different doctors about 6 times, then eventually an emergency section with a baby covered in bruises from the traumatic attempts at birth and 4 days in hospital. I felt very emotional about the whole thing, really struggling to come to terms with it but have been feeling better just trying to move on. Tbh it has just ruined the beginning for me.

I'm so glad so many people have said how normal it is to feel this way, makes me feel 100x better about it all. I'm sure things will get better for us both, just need to hold on in there x

star I had an induction with failed attempt at manual rotation and then emergency forceps and a few months after, went over my labour notes with the gynae who was looking after the resulting prolapse. It was a real help just getting my head round the birth and feeling ownership of my experience, so might be worth considering once you’re back on your feet.

And you’re doing a great job.

@Verbena87 thank you, they have said I can go over my notes if I need to but after speaking to the midwives I do feel a lot better about it. I think it's more that it's kind of a bad start to motherhood.
You just think it's something that might happen but will be fine, I never imagined the mental side that is involved and just wasn't prepared for everything that happened to be honest

@0310star it’s a total mind-fuck, but really does get much better over time. I found the birth way less difficult than recovery as I’d prepared for the fact that birth is unpredictable/intense/risky but hadn’t even really thought about what happens next apart from “I’ll finally meet my baby!” so it came as a massive shock (and yes to that emotional thing of feeling like it’s a bad start - but a bad start really would be a neglected baby, not a loved, nourished, safe baby whose mum is recovering from a huge physical ordeal and wrapping her head round mortality and injury and healing and the gap between ideals and reality. Don’t let yourself forget!)

OP how’s it going today? Sending calm strong pain-free thoughts.

A complete mind fuck! I couldn't get out of bed for at least a day after and didn't feel like I could look after my baby, and I said to me DP you're supposed to be able to look after the baby you've just had and I couldn't.

OP I hope you're feeling better today, it's a learning curve but you're most definitely not alone x

Ouch! - that brings back memories for me.I had a huge episiotomy after first baby and one stitch from it was in my piles - boy did that hurt. I thought I would never ever revert to normal. Id id - really I did. I know it seems unimaginable at the moment - but it will pass in time.

You will be able to sit down properly and to enjoy your baby - it just takes a bit of time.

What a design fault the whole female reproductive system is!

What a design fault the whole female reproductive system is! it’s pretty magic as well, but yeah, I reckon evolution still has some work to do. (And who on gods green earth stitches through a pile?! Morons)