Baby due this week and my mum is upsetting me...

[starglass]

Sorry, this is long! My first baby is due in two days, and I was really excited, but now I feel like my mum has sapped it all away.

I went on maternity leave at 35 weeks because I was struggling (long commute, manual job) with full support of my family.

I talked to my mum ages ago about money (we've had a lot of house/car problems throughout my whole pregnancy and all our savings have been drained, plus I've had a v difficult pregnancy and haven't been able to do overtime that I was hoping to save with) and she offered (basically insisted - I didn't ask or expect it) to help me out during my mat leave, and I was really grateful and accepted.

However, now she says that she can give me a bit of extra money until I go down to just statutory in October, and then I should go back to work. She says that after that she'll start saving the money to take me and the baby on a big holiday in a few years, which she thinks I'll be really excited about.

I tried to say that I'd rather have time off with my baby, and she laughed and said that by October i'll probably be desperate for a break! She'll be doing childcare while I'm back at work (again, she offered and I never asked,but we can't afford any other option) and she keeps saying that we're really lucky that we don't have to pay for childcare, and while I'm so grateful for that, the thought of leaving my baby when he's 3 months old and going back to work for 4 days a weeks is breaking my heart. He hasn't even been born yet, and I feel like I'm losing him already. I feel like my mum doesn't get it when I explain (she says I'm just hormonal right now) and I also feel like I should just be really grateful because she's offered to help with so much, and while a holiday would be LOVELY in a few years, I can't think of anything but the impending birth/baby at the moment.

I would have stayed at work as long as I could if I'd have known it would mean an extra month off when he was born, but she didn't say anything about this when I discussed starting mat leave early.

I don't know how to handle it, I usually get on fantastically with my mum, but she's so lighthearted and blase about things that it's really hard to have a proper conversation with her. She laughs at me when I cry because she thinks I'm a funny hormonal pregnant lady. I tried talking about my fears of childbirth, but she just said that it was easy for her so I'll be fine because I've got big hips. I tried talking to my dad about the money, but he doesn't have an opinion on anything.

My DH is angry and says that he won't let me go back to work so soon, and that we won't accept any money at all from my mum if these are the conditions, but I don't see what else we can do at the moment. He says he'll get a second job, but he is already out from 7-7 every weekday, and then HE would be the one not seeing our baby, which makes me really unhappy too, because I think the most important thing is to have loving parents around. He gets on really well with my family, but he thinks that they only ever help me on their terms, and he says that they're always making little comments without realising how deeply they upset me.

My mum gave up work for 6 years when me and my brothers were born, and has only worked 2-3 half days a week since. I can't help but feel that she just wants me to go back early so that she will be the one looking after my baby, which she would be doing more than me, and I wouldn't mind so much if she hadn't offered in the first place to support me on mat leave, but all she thinks about is holidays and how fun it'd be for us to go on a big family holiday (she goes away abroad 2-3 times a year, but we can never afford anything more than a weekend in Cornwall every other year).

I don't think she realises how much what she says upsets me, even though i have told her how I feel. She often says that she doesn't know WHY we don't have more money, even though I moved out at 18 and have been paying rent/mortgage for 12 years, as has my DH, and have never had a well-paying job, whereas my brothers lived at home until recently and have saved up loads of money. I feel like she thinks this makes me a bit of a failure, although this is another thing she laughs at when I tell her. She has spent all of my mat leave so far either on holiday or going for coffee/lunch with her friends, whereas I've been alone in my house for weeks feeling like she doesn't care much about spending time with me, which is also upsetting.

Am I being silly? Did anyone here go back to work at 3 months and find it ok? Does anyone else feel like their mum loves them, but doesn't understand them? I feel like this whole week of waiting for the baby has been overshadowed by my mum, but I also feel like I shouldn't really complain because she's offered so much help and I should be grateful. I just don't know how to get her to listen to me when I talk.

I have dm issues of my own so I might be projecting here but it sounds like you are spot on when you said she wants you to go back so she gets the baby whilst you are at work.

With DD1 I went back to work at 3 months because of money reasons and it was tough but ok - but only because I knew I would have to before I got pregnant, if it had been sprung on my it would have been a whole different story!

I'm currently waiting for DS1 to make an appearance and am having 7 months off this time which I'm really looking forward to.

I really hope you sort this out so you are happy with the plan, it makes all the difference

First question is does your mum actually have the money to help you out and extend your maternity leave? Putting a bit away for a holiday years down the line doesn’t sound like the equivalent of being able to support you through months of leave.

What was her original terms? She shouldn’t really have deviated especially when you stopped early (understandably).

Parental help does often come with strings I’m afraid. My parents won’t help with childcare themselves but do want to help us paying for it. My baby isn’t even born yet but my mum has already been googling ‘acceptable’ nurseries for him/her to go to. We don’t even want him / her in a nursery and would prefer a childminder. Plus they will only help us out if I go back to work (full time. Already there are all these conditions with no regard to how I may or may not feel. So I totally get you in this respect. It’s hard to say anything as you feel ungrateful and tbh when you could really do with the help.

I think sometimes it’s to do with power and still feeling that they have a role / decision making influence in your life. It was the same when I go married. My brother got married before me and they have him certain amount of cash. Thy insisted on giving me the same amount. I didn’t ask for it and was told I was getting it no matter what. Months and months of arguments followed as it became clear this was not mine to do what I wanted with. My mum and I barely spoke ok my wedding day. It has really made me think about whether we will or won’t accept their offer of help with childcare. Might just be easier all round to politely declone.

I’m so sorry OP.

Could you show her this thread?

I also wonder if she can actually afford it. Putting £50 a month or whatever it is for a holiday in the future is massively different to paying the equivalent to maternity pay. How much was you expecting her to pay?

I don’t think you are being silly or unreasonable at all. I agree, I would show her your post so she can hopefully understand and appreciate how this is affecting you.
Personally I wouldn’t go back to after 3 months if there is any way that you can avoid it. Typically 3 months is when it all starts to fall into place, you get a bit more sleep, the baby starts interacting with you etc. I appreciate that you may not have a choice but if there is any way do avoid it I would.
I think your mum needs to take you and your problems more seriously though especially once you have a baby.
I would say for now though please try not to worry or let it stress you out.
All your attention should be on your baby and you feeling well.
Good luck

For now, just focus on your pregnancy and expected baby. Since she is upsetting you, just go easy on the family contact and see more of your friends. Are you going to bumps and babies or antenatal classes?

Secondly, your maternity leave options are up to you. Take your mum out of the equation. How long do you want at home? You will get SMP for up to 9 months. If you really do have to work after 3 months (and that is a tough time, especially with the lack of sleep!), work out different options, starting from a baseline of how much money you actually need. It may be possible to do less hours, or some work from home to earn the extra. I freelance around the kids and there's a lot of women on here who do everything from occasional pet-sitting to full-time businesses.

Finally, you don't have to accept your mother's childcare demands. Especially if they come with strings attached. It may actually be better all round if you look into childcare credits and a suitable place with a childminder. Big hugs and good luck.

I do sympathise with you about your mum saying hurtful things - mine said some incredibly hurtful things to me when I was pregnant, not out of malice, more thoughtless. But it seems that you are upset with your mum for saying that she can't afford to subsidise you indefinitely and for putting you in a situation where either you have to go back to work sooner, or your Dh has to find another job to help make up the shortfall. Whilst I understand you are disappointed, it really isn't your mum's job to help you out with your day to day finances. She probably thinks that by helping you out with childcare, she would be enabling you to earn more that she could afford to give you when your maternity pay drops.
My own dc and their partner have just had their first child. Their maternity leave will be limited to the length of time they receive maternity pay. We are more than happy to help with childcare when they go back. Dh and I are just not in a position to help out financially - no more hours available in my job very little suitable to supplement Dh pension. Thankfully, DC and their partner do not expect a man who retires after 40 years working to support his own family, or me, to work longer/ harder to help support theirs.
I know this sounds harsh to you, but it really does sound to me as though your mum is trying her best to help you in a difficult situation.

Good luck with the birth of your baby.

I do agree that it's annoying that she seems to have changed her mind. However - ultimately, you can't afford an extended maternity leave. Even if you had worked right up until labour - that is only another 4/5 Weeks.

Sadly , you have to just get it into your thought process that this baby is the responsibility of you and your DH. If you can't afford not to be there - you have to work. At least you have the massive saving of no child care costs.

There may be some alternatives you can look at though.
Do you rent or own ? Have a look and see how much rent help you would get based on DH sole income. Look at tax credits . You may be able to reach a financial compromise where DH+Tax Credits means you can be a SAHM or work pt.

The Turn2us website has a great checker... ( I do think your mum is v keen to get bub to herself though )

I would be taking a good look at your incoming money and outgoings, cutting back where you can, looking to see if you could be eligible for any benefits.

She sounds very like my mum, she was desperate to get the baby to herself and assumed this would happen before he was born, she turned on me when I said I didn’t expect her to be my childminder.
I ended up getting an evening job so that I spent the day with him and my H did the evenings, not ideal and not a huge amount of time together as a couple but before I n ew it he was at nursery and I could find another job to fit in with those hours.

I would put this all out of your mind for now and concentrate on your labour, birth and beautiful baby.
Have no more discussions with your mother about this at all until the baby is at least 2 months old.

Then do everything in your power to stay home, (if that's what you want) and do everything you can to avoid letting your mother look after the baby.

She is not nice, she knows you are about to give birth and is being cruel to you because you need money and she has got some. I know its not easy, but the only one who can fix this is you, and that is to put her completely out of your head for at least a month, mind yourself, concentrate on your baby and when the time comes, your will be able to deal with her then. (but not now because you can't win)

Just breath, and tell yourself 'I will think about this in September, I do not have all the information now, but I will then' do not waste another precious second on this. Enjoy your baby x

I know you said your Mum didn’t work for several years after she had her DC but assuming you were born in the 80s ( as my DC were ) it was quite normal to return to work at 3 months so maybe your DM is thinking that is still the norm ? I had 3 months salary each time and simply couldn’t afford to stay off longer . My friends were the same. Having said that , it was horrible leaving such young babies and I really wish I could have had longer at home.

Perhaps after suggesting she would help she finally did the sums and realised how expensive it would be? If you're really desperate to stay home longer there are loans and interest free credit cards but you wouldn't want to put yourself into too much debt over it. Could you go back to work on shorter hours to start with (maybe half days) to ease you back into it? A graduated return to work?

But it is not your mum's responsibility to pay so you can stay on maternity leave, or to provide free/ cheap childcare. How were you expecting to manage before she offered to help?

DH's parents lived in Yorkshire and mine are dead so we knew we would have to pay for childcare if we had a baby. We save the equivalent of 6 months of my salary before I got pregnant. As it happened lots of things changed and I did not go back to work.

Could you not manage if you stayed on maternity leave? I found we spent a lot less and I found ways to cut down on things like the food bill and we had no social life after DS so that saved money. I spent very little on petrol or clothes. I was the biggest earner and we managed much better than we thought we would.

Sorry you are feeling so crap. Your mum sounds a bit insensitive but the responsibility is yours not hers.

Also, check all your bills. I have saved us over £2000 a year on car insurance, house insurance, mobile bills, got rid of Sky, and we have no car payments because we both have older cars which we have not swopped.
I have discovered Aldi and spend about £50 a week less there than I did in Sainsbury's.

If possible, just focus on your birth for now. Try not to plan anything beyond that at this moment. Be as selfish as you need to be in order to bring focus to you and your baby right now. No amount of worrying about what happens after will help you right now.

I’m sorry that the communication with your mum and her lack of understanding is upsetting you. It does sound like you are making a lot of negative assumptions on her opinion of you - please don’t be so hard on yourself.

In the long run it sounds like the more independent you and your DH can be financially the more happy you will be. But that is not a problem to fix now. For now just think about welcoming your dear baby into this world

To be honest many women would feel lucky to have any help at all from parents. I for one am not in a fortunate position of having my parents give me any money, nor would I expect it. If they offered, I'd say no anyway- it was my decision to have a baby and I know the limits of what I can afford. I can see that it must be frustrating that you started maternity leave a couple of weeks earlier than you might have done but that won't make a massive difference overall. Ultimately it's your baby - you can decide to accept your mother's offer or not, but it's not her responsibility.

Have you looked at your budget to see if there’s any leeway at all?

Can you apply for an interest only period on your mortgage or mortgage holiday?

Op you sound very reliant on your mum, perhaps you and your DH should assess things together, it will be your little family once your baby comes, and you need to work things out between you.

and you should loosen ties with your mum as there will always be strings attached and you will always feel compromised.

It is up to your mum how she chooses to live her life now....and up to you to sort yours.

Could you take on evening work and leave baby with DH? to help out with bills?

Talk to other women your age about your hopes and fears, find sympathetic ears there, not from your DM.

Congratulations on your baby!

If she can give you extra money until you go down to statutory pay, can you save that? Because before October you might not really need that extra as the maternity pay is better. Then you'll be able to stretch your maternity leave out a bit further and can you also take all your accrued annual leave to extend the maternity leave?

I took 6 months (planned to take 12 but got offered a brill new job that absolutely needed me to start when DD was 6 months old) and it was fine and I didn't feel like I needed longer. 3 months may be a less than you wanted but you're not going back full time and will still have 3 full days every week with your child. If you can't afford otherwise I don't see what options there are and you are very lucky to be getting so much help from your mum.