Pregnant mums- do you want to know?

[Blueisland]

A friend of mine (another mum) thinks women should talk more openly to pregnant women about childbirth so they have an idea of what to expect. However when I was pregnant I really didn’t want to hear childbirth stories as I was frightened.

Pregnant mums, what do you think? My sister in law is pregnant so I’m wondering if I should raise the topic with her. She seems a bit nervous about it all and my birth experiences are mainly positive so I wouldn’t be sharing horror stories. Of course I do not want to make her uncomfortable. What do you think?

When I was pregnant I didn't want to know because I naïvely believed the 'women's bodies are designed for this, you'll be fine' mantra. Since having DC1 I've become increasingly furious that medical professionals, nevermind other mothers, aren't giving women the facts about risk in childbirth. It isn't about horror stories, it's about things like 90% of first time VBs result in tearing/cuts and for something like 6% of women it can lead to permanent incontinence.

Hindsight is 20:20.

I think your relationship with your DSIL will determine if/what you share with her. If the subject comes up I'd broach it gently and perhaps point her to something like Which? where she can look at her chosen maternity unit and see what their performance is like: www.which.co.uk/birth-choice/units

My top three things I wish I'd known are:

1. You can say 'no' to internal examinations and inductions (and other interventions)
2. A CS can be a brilliant delivery
3. Expecting a VB to be a brilliant delivery just because it is a VB is completely ridiculous once you read the stats

The time to tell women how birth is, is before they are pregnant.

I think it's important that women know their rights around childbirth - like Duggee said about internal examinations.

You could point her in the direction of the positive birth book if she doesn't want to actually talk about it with you - lots of positive stories in there.

I didn't want to hear other people's stories when I was pregnant if they were traumatic/difficult because what was the point? The baby was coming out anyway and I didn't want the worry. I did want to hear positive stories though and I sought them out.

I didn’t particularly want to hear birth stories as another persons birth experience had no bearing on how mine would be. Plus the baby had to come out regardless! I just went into it with an open mind and hoped for the best!

Since having DC1 I've become increasingly furious that medical professionals, nevermind other mothers, aren't giving women the facts about risk in childbirth.

This. I was so angry afterwards that nobody had warned me about how awful it could be. One Born Every Minute, with its jaunty tone and tinkly music, really fucked me off for ages afterwards.

I'm sorry to admit that I snapped at my mum on our first phone call after DS was born - because I told her it had been awful and she laughed. It was not fucking funny. To be fair to my mum, she had four lovely, straightforward vaginal births so I don't think she had been dishonest with me in any way based on her experiences. But I felt like society in general had conspired to hide the truth from me and I was in utter disbelief at the scale of the deception.

I've calmed down a bit now but I feel very strongly about birth rights etc. now and the whole experience has made me even more of a feminist than I already was.

Fartniss

In hindsight what do you think could have prepared you for what you went through? (Sounds horrible btw, sorry to hear that).

As a pregnant woman - I want information and that does include hearing other people's stories. But I guess what I want is things that might actually be things I can do (like dugee's point about refusing things you don't want), rather than just 'this is how bad it can be'. I see women say a lot on here that they wish someone had told them beforehand, but I do sometimes wonder what that would achieve if there was no way that information would change the outcome. I know I might have a nightmare birth (and that I might have a straightforward one!) but if someone could tell me whether I would now I don't think I'd want to know - what good would spending my last few weeks of pregnancy fearing the inevitable do? So 'things that I wish I'd known because it might have helped me have a better outcome' is great, useful knowledge, but horror stories are just unproductive.

No. Having had four very different birth experiences from 3rd degree tear to emergency c/section to shooting out feet first in an ambulance I tend to keep my mouth shut.
Everyone has such a diferrent experience that it's not really helpful to compare or speculate as you can never predict.

No, no point in frightening a pregnant woman who will have to give birth regardless! I am 6 weeks postpartum and being very warts and all with my child free friends as I do feel like I'd have appreciated knowing certain things such as when you have a shitload of stitches, sitting on your bum to breast feed all the time is really bloody sore and will get you down in the beginning. Sounds silly but I just hadn't considered things like that. So I think the best thing for pregnant friends is to tell them what you learnt from your experience that could possibly be helpful to them. My best tip would be if you suddenly feel the contractions in your bum mid labour please tell your midwife instead of trying to push like I did - the baby has probably gone back to back. I will know for next time but will still probably be carrying the piles with me!

not about the 'horror' of childbirth as that is just frightening and unhelpful.... but id really have loved to have heard about the realities of recovery from a vaginal birth. I was told I would bleed and that was pretty much it... so the bruising and the pain and the constipation and the general state of my vag after was a massive shock and it took me a long time to realise that it was fairly par for the course and would eventually all heal.... was terrified for ages that I was utterly ruined
But when you actually ask other women about it the majority go through similar and recover well...
I could have done with that reassurance.... particularly around the tearing/episiotomy healing
and the weeing and pooing.... the pain of that is not something widely mentioned despite it being very common to find it difficult after birth

lets totally agree, it's the recovery that's been a shock for me! Disclaimer - I had a long and difficult labour so not suggesting that everyone's recovery will be a huge slog. However, I think there is an assumption that you'll be almost back to normal by 6 weeks, so think it's good to put it out there that for some it may take longer and that's ok.

I agree with some of the pps, lots of people took gleeful joy in telling me their horror stories, but no one mentioned the recovery. i was prepared for the birth, but the bleeding, bruising etc afterwards was a complete shock to be fair

letsall Thank you for that post, which is exactly the sort of thing I do want as a pregnant woman, as you're very clear about how that knowledge would have helped you by stopping you panicking that you would never heal.

Do you think that this is part of a wider problem with not hearing the 'medium' stories (this is a genuine question - obviously I don't know, I haven't given birth yet!). I feel like you hear a lot of 'we both nearly died' horror stories, and the odd 'I breathed the baby out and it was an amazing experience' dream story, and not much in between. Similarly with post-birth/birth injuries - you hear lots of 'I was left essentially disabled for life', the odd 'I was making dinner for 25 and doing a tap dance the next day' but not many 'it took quite a while and was horrible at the time but it all healed up in the end' stories. I guess people tend to tell the more 'interesting' - and so more extreme - stories?

Currently 37 weeks pregnant and tbh I expect it to be awful. Sorry but I've heard the horror stories and am well aware of the long term damage that can happen.
I think any advice would help thats helpful, eg around choices so they are fully informed eg refusing exams etc. I've read and asked everyone and expireneces seem to range from 3hrs no.issues to 36hrs he got stuck, emergency treatment and long term damage. I'm.not sure that anyone can control the out come though!

I don't know how helpful I would have found horror stories to be honest. As pp said, the baby has to come out somehow!!
I agree I would have liked to know a bit about recovery from a vaginal birth as the aching/heaviness/bruising following my episiotomy took me by surprise. Also the importance of asking for lactulose if you end up on iron tablets... I think any negative story should come with some helpful advice really!

I don't tend to tell my labour stories unless asked really. They weren't horror stories at all but I did find it very very painful!

Nope I definitely didn't want to know before giving birth. Especially not when I was already pregnant. My view point being I had to give birth regardless so no point in listening to horror stories and being terrified.
Also every birth is different and no two are the same

I am pregnant and I want to know as much as possible.
It may not affect the outcome but it might help me to ask for advice of I know that others have experienced similar things. It also might stop me panicking that something is wrong when really it’s normal but I just wasn’t expecting it

100% yes

My shitty birth was compounded by my feelings of failure, of not having delivered in the 'right' way, and a general sense of it not supposed to be being like that.

If I'd heard a lot more of the negative stories it would have modified my expectations and I don't think I'd had had the same feelings of regret and failure.

I believe it should be spoken about more, I went into my induction and ended up with a section the whole thing left me traumatised, I expect it wouldn't have if I'd spoken with people who'd been in the same situation and realised how traumatic labour can be

I guess the problem is it also depends where you start from, which is different for each pregnant women? I've seen lots of women say they had this expectation of birth as magical and beautiful. I find that hard to imagine because I feel like every cultural signal I've ever had is that childbirth is basically torture and the most terrifying thing you'll ever do. Similarly, I've heard jokes about how having children 'ruins' women's bodies since I was a teenager, so I'm always amazed by people who say they didn't expect their vagina to be changed, etc. But obviously that's their experience, and they've encountered different messages to me. So I guess I feel like I need to be realistic but also a bit reassured to keep my anxiety from spiralling further. Other women might indeed need gentle reminders that all might go to plan. It's hard to say what suits everyone.

I think I heard way more horror stories about birth than positive ones before I had my DC. I was surprised by my relatively straightforward births.

Didn't bother me hearing others birth stories.

Every single Labour is different.

@letsallhaveanap completely and utterly agree with this.

YES! I'm currently pregnant and definitely want to know, especially the reality and details. I want to be prepared the best I can..

Me personally? Yes I would like to know, I like hearing everyone else's stories and am personally not scared by any of them. I find it interesting and understand that it has no bearing on what my first birth will be like. Having said that, I think that people should ask before they tell you their stories. Some women don't want to hear it and that's perfectly understandable.