ELCS booked for tokophobia - doubting my decision

[Justanervousmess2018]

I have an ELCS booked next week due to tokophobia, which comes from fear of being out of control, fear of midwives not listening to me, fear of my body being broken beyond repair, fear of it all going horribly wrong and generally being scared.

Went to ante natal classes last week and they made a VB sound so lovely and easy I'm doubting myself. It's major surgery no one wants, the truth is both options terrify me......yes I am aware that I got myself into this situation but actually I was oblivious to the damage birth can cause you, mentally and physically.

I can back out to the point of going into hospital and I'm so thankful I live in a region where I'm taken seriously for my fears. I just don't know what to do. I'm worried if i risk a VB my stress levels will be so so high stressing the baby and therefore causing intervention. On the flip side I'm worried I'm going to have surgery I could have avoided

Why don't you see if labour starts spontaneously and take it from there? You have a booked section, the date can be changed and just wait and see?

If Labour starts before then that is my plan, yes, buts it's only got until Tuesday as thats when it's booked in for.

I've heard so many positive ELCS stories, more so than VB I think to be honest. It's stupid I'm sure to be so scared of both options but I can't seem to control it

This may not be helpful to you, but I was in a very similar situation this time last year. I was SO scared of giving birth and was scheduled on for a ECS on my due date. Anyway I went to hypnobirthing in the mean time and it was wonderful! I ended up spontaneously going into labour a little early and my daughter was born with a straightforward VB and honesty it was all absolutely fine!! I was up walking around within the hour showing her off in the hospital a day we went home later the same day. Every birth is unique, but please don't be worried about this natural event... what will be will be and you will end up with your beautiful baby! It will likely be the best day of your life after all the pushing - just don't spend any time worrying about it! Oh and try hypnobirthing if you can, it helped me a lot! Good luck!

Why don't you cancel the ELCS and see if you go spontaneously? If you go to the point of HCP wanting to induce you, request a ELCS?

Thanks @sailinghappy, I'm not sure I've got enough time for hypnobirthing now?!

I do wonder if natural instincts would kick in and I'd cope fine. It's such a tough decision

I absolutely loved labour and giving birth each time but I have a general fear of being out of control and vulnerable etc so I can completely empathise with your feelings. I did a lot of prep with active birth and hyonobirthing and feel that the techniques I learnt would have been helpful if I'd had to go to theatre too. I found reading positive birth stories on homebirth UK, tell me a good birth story and the book stand and Deliver very helpful but also discussed my fears with mw/consultant and the plan was that I would go into labour and then opt for a section early if I felt out of control etc rather than the situation I was most frightened of - labouring for days and multiple interventions before crash section.

It may be that you don't have to choose either or and can be more flexible in the approach with a safety net.

Some interesting thoughts thank you. They didn't really seem to give me that option, I'd probably be quite happy with that very low threshold for a C sec but trying naturally. They were so fast to sign off the c section I was amazed

I feel like I've left it too late to talk to them

I think that birth stories are skewed towards the bad experiences. People who have a straight forward experience generally don't talk much about it. So yes some people are damaged by labour and birth but so many others are not.
I had 3 straightforward deliveries, all induced, no horror stories, no lasting damage.
I recommend the natal hypnotherapy cds if they are still around, my last birth was 6 years ago so I might be out of date. Even if you just listen to them a few times in the next few days they might calm your mind a bit.
And if they don't, c section is a perfectly valid choice. I hope all goes smoothly for you however it goes.

I was in the same boat a couple of years ago - I was having counselling for my tokophobia but it wasn’t enough, I scheduled a section. I felt like there was no good option, since if something went wrong either way I would feel responsible for choosing it. In the end I needed an emcs sooner so it was taken out of my hands. Now I’m not pregnant I think the thing I would have been most comfortable with was a midwife led unit and a water birth but that wasn’t an option as I was having twins, and once I was actually pregnant the phobia became out of hand and I don’t think I could have done it.

Elective sections are on the whole safe and preductable and I think the recovery from a severe tear can be even worse, I have a few friends still suffering years down the line. Or you could be lucky and have a straightforward VB but there’s no way to know. I totally understand why you want the more predictable option and if that’s what you choose it’s okay. Can’t hurt to try some hypnobirthing now and see if it changes how you feel.

Natal hypnotherapy cds are really surprisingly good. Sounds like horseshit I grant you, but I found it really effective, particularly the thing about being in control. You can listen now. It doesn't need to be a big course.

I second the thing about people keeping the good birth stories quiet. I've had three brilliant births, so much so that so that I'd love to do that bit again! But I never talk about it because it feels insensitive to those who may not have, and just boring! But they were some of the most brilliant experiences of my life.

However, I think ELCS eliminates the downside risks of VB, including that of having an emergency Cs. I know people who said that would be their preference 2nd time around.

The problem is you just won't know how a VB will be. It may be great, it may not. Although neither option is a ride in the park, I think given your situation I would be tempted to stick with the C section so at least you have some idea of what will happen.

But..maybe I'm skewed as I had an awful VB first time round, and a comparatively straight forward elcs second time round.

Hi Op, I’m tokophobic and I was terrified of both options but way more scared of c section (unusual for tokophobes) but for me I thought I would have more control with vaginal births. I went for two vaginal births, both went wrong and ended in emc and you know they were fine.... I actually didn’t feel as out of control as I thought I would - just so you know, both options can be ok, even when it’s not how you envisaged things. Also I second hypnobirthing, it definitely helped me stay calm

Thank you everyone, given me loads to think about and made me feel so much better that there is no wrong decision. I guess at the end of it either way I get my little boy so I just need to try to focus on that. DP is so insanely supportive and will back whatever decision I make.

I'm also so glad I'm not the only one who feels/felt like this. That in itself makes me feel better

I'm not someone you'd ever expect to try hypnobirthing but I was so worried about birth I figured anything was worth a try and genuinely I found it really helpful. I think you can use the techniques for c sections too so I'd really recommend you give it a go.

I used the CDs at home - no proper course here either. And it does sound like bollocks as pp said, I used to listen with a 🤔 look and an 🙄 feel but it worked really really well and I actually return to some of it when anxious or stressed even now

I have had a emcs and then an elective. For the elective, I can sympathise with you. It's what I wanted. But as the time approached I felt horribly nervous and doubted myself and worried and generally couldn't sleep and was just stressed about it all. In fact I was never so nervous about anything in my life, whereas with the emcs, I went into it in pain and already on drugs and nerves weren't a part of it.
Anyway, long story short, it was very civilised and wonderful and emotional and smooth and lovely (actually my emcs was too. but the lead up to it, not so much!)
I just wanted to reassure you. When I couldn't sleep for nerves (with exactly what you describe - feeling I was putting myself and us all through something "unnecessary", I couldn't find any stories from people in the same position. So there's mine. It was the right decision for me and nerves are natural.

Have you thought of home birth? Exact opposite end of the spectrum I know but my midwives for my three home births were utterly amazing and respectful in every way.

I will definitely try the hypno birthing from tonight. @ahjayzuz thank you, your story definitely helped.

Unfortunately homebirth isn't an option we are too far from hospital (45 mins), same from MLU. We have hospital or hospital here....not great really

I had an ECS due to phobias, and it was the best decision for me. Very straight forward, felt very relaxed. I was asleep the hour before going to theatre so felt rested and calm.
Healed very quickly and will do the same again if I have a second. I agree negative stories always get more press but for me, based on friends experiences of VB I am happy with my decision.

You need to do what is right for you, don’t let anyone tell
You what to do. If you can talk it through with a midwife at the hospital and get your decision added to your notes.

Good Luck-and remember whatever route you picks your baby will arrive and be so worth it!

Yes friends seem to have taken a long time to recover from VBs, some are still having issues 2 years on. Although they seen to think they're accepted outcomes of VBs

Thank you for all the positive stories they are helping

It’s a long time since I gave birth, but IMO if feeling out of control is a big fear for you, then in my experience, a low tech VB with a supportive midwife is the best option. I had similar feelings... I wasn’t particularly scared of the pain, it was more the feeling that things could be taken out of my control and I wouldn’t be listened to. I was fortunate that a stand-alone MLU was just along the road so I had dc 1 there. Yes it hurt, I won’t sugar coat it, but my midwife was wonderful
And I found the experience very empowering.

I needed a csection for dc2 , which was ok, but recovery takes much longer and in many ways you feel less in control IYSWIM because it’s all being done to you

I've been thinking a lot and I am going to stick with my ELCS plan. I've done hypnobirthing for a few days now so I'm generally calmer. Unfortunately there is terrible maternity provision locally with no MLU attached to a hospital, only a freestanding one 45 mins away from the nearest hospital with only 3 beds. He will be born this week so I can get excited about meeting him now

Remember birth is giving birth however it happens! From reading this thread I definitely think sticking to your original plan sounds like the best option for you.

I am terrified beyond belief of hospitals and the idea of intervention due to underlying complex gyne history. I opted for a home water birth but had an elc booked for when I was 40+12 so that if I went too overdue for them to happy to deliver me at home, I could avoid an induction.

In the end I had the calm hands off waterbirth at home that I wanted, however I was able to relax so much more that last bit of my pregnancy when I knew if anything went pear shaped (over due or premature labour) I could have a section.

Hypnobirthing isn’t just for vaginal deliveries, keep listening to the tracks and practicing your breathing, I used it for breastfeeding too!

Thank you @Sundaylunchhappy

Justanervousmess.....Best wishes for your elcs.
Honestly I wish I could do it all again. I love newborns! Wrt recovery, mine both went really well but I was shocked each time by how useless and sore I was in the first few days, but also by how much difference a week made to my recovery, especially after elcs.
Hope you can relax now.