All this reading for Doula training is really making me reflect on my own pregnancies and labours.

[Lilliput]

And it's making me feel quite sad and tinged with regret that I didn't make the most of the time I was pregnant. I can't stop thinking about my second pregnancy and tthe first few months of my son's life. We moved house 2 weeks before he was born and that was all I could think about. I spent virtually the whole pregnancy worrying about selling our flat, would our new house be ready in time, could we afford it, picking curtains and carpets. I realise now that I was almost in denial about being pregnant and having a baby. Proof of this is that I chose very grown up Laura Ashley floral curtains for what was going to be the new baby's room!
I so wish that I had concentrated on me a bit more and maybe ds and I would have had an easier time when he was a baby. It was like we didn't bond while he was still in the womb.
I had a lovely easy home birth but afterwards I didn't take the time to be with him a lot. I thought because he was my second I needed to get on with things. I went to the toddler group with dd two days after I had given birth. I remember everyone being so suprised I was up and about. At the time I saw that as a great achievement, now I realise I should have focused more on me and the baby for longer.

oh honey

as soon as i had done my course, i wanted to have another baby as i knew i could give birth soooo much better !!

the circumstances you were in last time, were maybe not ideal for having a stress free enjoyable pregnancy, you had to focus on moving...so you got on with that...

pointless me saying don;t be sad..because you are sad about it...you can;t get that time back..but i bet if you sat down and thought about it more..you could congratulate for coping so well with moving house & having a baby .... ok, so going out with a 2 day old baby is maybe not the best way to have a babymoon...but i did it , and my friends did it...sometimes the adrenalin and the circumstances make you do it!

we all can look back on the baby time with some regret, especially if we had a baby who didn;t settle, who cried a lot, when circumstances were difficult..and you wish the time away

and suddenly you look around, and you have a 6 month old, or a toddler or a 2 year old ,and that tiny baby is gone!

gives you a shock!

suppose what i am saying is that it is not an unusual feeling, and most of us will have been there to some extent

but it is always good to get these feelings out and deal with them, rather than have them jump up and surprise us !!

I certainly wished the time away with ds, he had pretty bad silent reflux and woke every 2 hours at night for months and months. He is such an adorable 2 year old now ( although as I type I can he dd shouting "don't bite me" LOL).
I was flying on the adrenelin of such a great home birth for days, I really felt as though I could take on the world after doing that, I felt really proud of myself. I guess I thought having a newborn the second time round would be a breeze, and it really wasn't it was bloody hard work with a 2 year ols in tow aswell. Sometimes hindsight is tough and all this reading of other peoples experiences is tough too. Hopefully it will make me a better doula.

My dd never cried, she was so content, ds cried and cried and cried some more.

Who does it perfectly do you think? Who has that luxury?

Both my babies were "high needs" - did not sleep, breastfed constantly, could not be put down, easily bored and then ever-stimmed, and cried - Loudly. I lived like a prisoner for their first year - actually still living the nightmare with ds 8 mths.

Babyhood is over-rated - for me anyway. Bring on toddlerhood!

Well, i had done what i thought was a fair bit of research before my VBAC inorder to achieve it, but I have learned so much more since and then when I started my reading... WOW! It all hit me!

I cried buckets when I read Silent Knife last year as I could relate to so much of it, but when I did the Doula reading I started to get angry! VERY Angry! If I could be learning all this stuff, much of it so simple and obvious, then how come the TRAINED mw and other HCPs did not appear to know it? How come I ended up in a labour that culminated in CS? They should have known better that it was going to be so likely, How come they didn't know he was back to back and head deflexed? How come they didn't get me mobile and then try the pelvic press to get his head out? How come? Why? Why did no-one try anything to help me?

When I had my VBAC dd, how come I let them do CFM? Now I'm a statistic that proves that CFM does not improve outcome for baby but does increase risk of forceps and CS! I now have another scar to add to my collection.

I did enjoy both my pgs, but had pnd after my CS. With my 2nd pg I was obsessed with it and dp withdrew from it which disappointed me bitterly as I wanted him to share the excitement of our growing baby, so I didn't really brief him very much about what I wanted and would have been so much better off with a Doula but there were very few up here then.

I did bond with dd so much better and enjoy her so much more, but is that becasue of my age?

I do very much want to have another, and did before she was conceived, ie 2 with new partner as ds is so much older and although they adore each other I still want dd to have a sibling closer in age to play/fight with!

So I will be hoping that my Doula learning will help me to have a HWBAC, already have a friend lined up to be my Doula and now worry that I'm setting myself up for a fall! (There's no pleasing some people) I do want the chance of a 'perfect' birth!

So yes, I have had to deal with issues that the reading has brought up and is another reason why I did not rush to hand in my assignment, as I needed to deal with them first. But will finish it soon and get my certificate!

Doula training is not just about learning to be a Doula, we also learn about ourselves, and it can be a difficult, hard but worthwhile process!

I'm loving it!

Sometimes I'm jealous (but only slightly and inwardly) that my clients get me - the doula - at their births, but you know the experiences that I have had help me to help other mothers have more of what they want and also helps me to empathise.

I know you feel sad, but darling I'm sure it will make you a better doula.

you lot are lovely

group hug !!

Absolutely Lulu!!!