Getting a bit upset by other people's comments

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I'm nearly 32 weeks pregnant, so maybe over-reacting due to hormones! Recently I've had a few comments about childbirth from friends - all along the lines of 'I'm absolutely never going to have a vaginal birth - I'll have a C-section' (none of them have ever given birth). This has all come with comments about 'ruined vaginas', etc. I know I should ignore these not particularly well-informed comments (though one of them was a doctor!), but I also keep seeing comments on Mumsnet (admittedly, I'm sure these are sticking out for me because it's something on my mind) basically suggesting that all women should have elective caesareans, too. The thing is, it's not even like anyone would even agree to give me an elective C-section - no medical indications, and while I'm scared of giving birth that's just in a normal way, not tokophobia - so it's not a decision I have to make, but these comments just keep going round and round my head. I've also had a few comments saying I should immediately ask for an epidural (some of these ones are from women who have given birth), and although I'm totally open to that if I need it, that's also not my ideal plan. I don't really know what I'm looking for here - maybe reassurance that I'm not a totally naive idiot? I'm really not a 'candles and I'll just breathe the baby out' idealistic first-time mother - as I said, I'm terrified and fully expecting it to be painful and horrible, but people keep (completely unsolicitedly! I haven't brought up the topic of childbirth in conversation once!) making me feel like I'm doing something stupid.

I've had both ways.. neither was awful but I'd take the drug free vaginal delivery even though at the time it seemed far worse. Recovery from a section is not as easy.
Oh and I'm told my fanny is just the same as before😂

I do think your vagina is a bit different after but it's certainly not ruined!

Your friends are being dicks!

Like you do, OP, I partially agree with your friends opinions, but not with how they are expressing them. You seem well educated on the realities of birth so they aren't helping you by telling you. I find people just like to scare you and gleefully revel in the horror of it all. I find this especially annoying when it comes from men.

And btw I had an elcs because I didn't want to give birth and it was great, recovery very quick and easy. I walked home from hospital. But that was my choice, and by no means would I say it's the best choice for everyone or the only choice. How rude and ignorant would that be?!

Best of luck OP, you got this.

I think you need to tell your friends exactly how you feel. Or ban this topic of conversation if they can't respect your views.

In all honesty I chose an elective CS for myself, but I wouldn't dream of lecturing my friends on how they should deliver their babies!! There's no easy, guaranteed pain-free, no-damage way to get a baby out into the world. (I am horrified that women in the UK don't have an automatic choice though.)

Your friends might simply be trying to make you aware of what this article explains.

amp.smh.com.au/lifestyle/health-and-wellness/bravo-chrissy-teigen-for-saying-what-many-women-think-20180521-p4zgne.html?__twitter_impression=true

You'd rather avoid a c-section and that's understandable. There are still a couple of scenarios where you might want to consider all your options, including c-section.
If your baby is stuck mid-cavity at full dilatayion and you're offered forceps or a c-section, I think it's important you look now at what you'd pick.
Also if you're offered an induction, you may want to consider a c-section depending on the circumstances. This one is harder to decide beforehand (because there are many reasons why an induction is offered and there are many variables that may make you go go one way or another) but it's worth thinking about it now I think.
You may not face either scenarios but no harm thinking about it in advance.

I had my children in my 40s as did a friend of mine who’s a GP. She had elective C sections for both hers and told me it was because we were older mothers and our pelvises were less flexible. However, I had straightforward ( and quick) labours with both mine - stitches for first but recovered very quickly, nothing needed for second. I think people in the medical profession are sometimes very cautious as they are only called in for emergencies and difficult births.

As someone who has had two c-sections, they are not the easy pain free way out some people would sell them as. You will be in pain for some time afterwards and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. Yes on the actual day all you have to do is lie there, but for weeks or even months afterwards you will be in pain and discomfort.

It is not the easy way out. I only chose to have a section second time around after a difficult first labour and emergency c-section.

The main thing is to go into it with your eyes open and make sure you are informed about everything. I didn't do any research on c-sections with my first cos I was adamant I wasn't having one and looking back I wish I knew a bit more about the process before hand.

The reality is that some women experience life altering birth injuries. It’s not always obvious who these are going to be in advance. C section is a major operation. Things can go wrong.

Birth is never risk free. Try not to dwell on it.

Well my first was an emergency c section which was I found very unpleasant and the recovery difficult too.

Second was vaginal and on gas and air, had an episiotomy so stitches required which wasn't great after but I recovered fine from it.

Third vaginal, had an epidural as was induced and it just went on forever! The epidural was really quite good actually not how I expected at all, wish I'd been more open to them before. Straightforward birth no stitches required thankfully and after all that my vagina is completely fine thanks though my abs have never really recovered from the c section.

There's a balance to be struck between the ideal and reality. When I was a naive first timer I wondered why women told those stories and felt much as you did. After the arrival of DC1 I understood that they were trying to warn me that there's a whole world of birth experience out there and the chances are it won't be ideal.

As PP say, smile, nod and don't dwell on it too much, but perhaps have a quiet think about what you want to do if things aren't going the way you plan - know your options in advance.

Birth is different for everyone and it's natural to be apprehensive and yes there are risks but all you can do is educate yourself on all your different options and try to stay calm. Nothing wrong with practicing breathing exercises, positions and relaxation and coping techniques to help prepare. Congratulations and good luck

People love to tell horror stories. Doctors tend to only see the bad births (the most worried dad to be I have seen was a consultant obstetrician!). Your friends who haven’t had babies have no idea.

I have 3 positive birth stories which I do try to share as an antidote to the horror stories. First one was born 45 mins after arriving at hospital with a bit of gas and air. Second one at home in the water with G&A for the last contraction to deliver the head. Third one at home in the water with no other pain relief.

Tore quite badly with first one but was stitched up and recovered fine. Had 3 stitches with number 2 and none for number 3.

I'm taking the opposite approach - I really want to know the worst it could possibly be.

Whilst I know it's not possible to prepare for that, at least if it happens I won't be caught totally unawares.

For me, knowledge is power

I think people who say 'the ast majority of vaginal births are straightforward' are as daft as those who scaremonger. The reality is somewhere in between.

I spent a long time looking at the data for birth outcomes (and personally then chose a section, which was v easy).

The likelihood is with a vaginal birth you are almost certain to have some trauma to the area. Severe tears only happen in a few percent, but for a first time mum, about 90% tear to some extent, though some may not need stitching.

You've got about a 50-50 chance of having an unassisted vaginal birth, and then the other 50% is a combination of needing a planned section, and emergency section or instrumental delivery.

It's possible to have a vaginal birth and be absolutely fine (one woman did from my nct), but the likelihood is there will be some recovery, but with painkillers and time, most women are fine.

There's a balance to be stuck between scaring you and giving you the facts. I think some people I know felt let down that they were warned that certain complications 'could' occur, but not how common they were.

In my nct, we had a combination of induction, unassisted birth, ventose, forceps, planned section and emergency section. But by a few months on, everyone seemed recovered, so although things often weren't straightforward, they were all fine in time.

People's experiences of things like sections vary also. A poster above said that it causes a lot of pain for weeks or months after and anyone that says otherwise is lying, someone else walked home from hospital here after theirs.

Mine was really pretty painless, though I was religious about taking painkillers to make sure it didn't start hurting. I felt stiff, but apart from the first few times standing up, I was astounded by the lack of pain. I've had far worse periods! It was amazing. It really does vary.

Ive got no pain threshold and cry at earache but had two natural labours on just gas and air. Everyone told me before I had my eldest I’d be terrible and should just ask for an epidural immediately but I was fine. Just block out the noise.

Thanks again for the comments - this has been really helpful for me. It feels a bit like you can't win with 'planning' - I do have thoughts and opinions on what options I'd like (if they agree to downgrade me to low-risk I'd like to try a water pool; I really want to avoid instrumental if at all possible, which is why epidural is in 'only if necessary' rather than default option category for me), but I also know that you can't control any of this, and so it's important to go with the flow and accept that any number of outcomes are possible. It feels a bit like you get accused of being naive if you have a plan, and of being naive and sticking your head in the sand if you don't! Ultimately, I don't have any expectations of birth; I've spent this whole pregnancy convinced I wouldn't get a baby at the end and am still getting my head round the idea that it looks like I probably will, so it's totally a means to the end of having a healthy baby for me, I'm not expecting or hoping for a nice experience in and of itself.

You sound v sensible OP - you've read up on different options, you have birth preferences but also an open mind to change those if need be, and you are looking into techniques to help keep you calm and relaxed, and increase your likelihood of things going as you hope.

I wish you all the best. Please let us know how you get on.

Thank you; that really is reassuring and I think what I wanted to hear. I know I'm in danger of obsessing about this and I think I need to try and put it out of my mind for a while.

You will be amazed at what your body can do when you go through labour. My suggestion is to not have a plan, keep your mind open about pain relief, listen to your body. Follow your midwife's voice, she'll guide you through it all.
And, your friends might be trying to help, but if they haven't been through it they really, really don't know what they're talking about. So ignore the comments. Most women and they're 'ruined' vaginas recover, otherwise we'd all be only children!

I'm currently in labour and have done an online hypnobirthing course (the positive birth company) and it's incredible what it has done to change my perception of labour and childbirth. It's all about breathing the baby out and understanding your body so don't think it's something to be sniffed at! This is also my first. ☺️

Women who do that really piss me off. You need to shut down the conversations when they start. "Please can we not discuss births, thank you". And very quickly change he subject. If they ask why, just say bluntly I'm fed up of hearing birth stories then swiftly change the subject again. Do not elaborate further as that's a way in for them.

I had a planned c-section (breech baby) and although it was great it's not an easy option at all!

Hypnobirthing was AMAZING. I did a course before baby #2 and made it to pushing with just breathing without any issue (some G&A for pushing). With baby #1 I'd liked the pool but didn't get uncomfortable enough to get in with #2

Wow, scoutcat - MN commenting during labour is impressive dedication! Good luck with the rest of the birth!

The best way to go into a birth (where there are no complications) is with a generally positive but clear eyed approach.

So hopefully you’ll have a straightforward, safe birth but be aware of the options open to you with pain relief and be aware that the level of pain you experience isn’t linked to how positive you are but how each individual birth is set up (positioning plus anatomy of mother.) be aware of what options are open to you.
Be aware of techniques that can help (hypnobirthing, physical movements.) be aware of the benefits and limitations of those techniques - they are great for keeping you calm and centred but they can’t change that initial set up so dontfeel bad or guilty you ‘didn’t do it right’ if you need intervention.
Be aware of the most common things that happen and the interventions that they result in. Think about what you will and won’t consent to and talk about that before (I wouldn’t consent to ECV for example and I’d insist on going straight to elcs in that case.)

Hopefully everything will go well for you. It’s perfectly OK to jokingly (or not if needed) shut down any conversation about birth where you feel it’s hurting rather than helping you.

As an aside, I’m not sure all women are enjoying telling gory stories. I’m sure it happens but the women I know who have shared such things with me have been quite traumatised by it. They don’t glory in telling others

Good luck - hope it all goes smoothly.