Getting a bit upset by other people's comments

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I'm nearly 32 weeks pregnant, so maybe over-reacting due to hormones! Recently I've had a few comments about childbirth from friends - all along the lines of 'I'm absolutely never going to have a vaginal birth - I'll have a C-section' (none of them have ever given birth). This has all come with comments about 'ruined vaginas', etc. I know I should ignore these not particularly well-informed comments (though one of them was a doctor!), but I also keep seeing comments on Mumsnet (admittedly, I'm sure these are sticking out for me because it's something on my mind) basically suggesting that all women should have elective caesareans, too. The thing is, it's not even like anyone would even agree to give me an elective C-section - no medical indications, and while I'm scared of giving birth that's just in a normal way, not tokophobia - so it's not a decision I have to make, but these comments just keep going round and round my head. I've also had a few comments saying I should immediately ask for an epidural (some of these ones are from women who have given birth), and although I'm totally open to that if I need it, that's also not my ideal plan. I don't really know what I'm looking for here - maybe reassurance that I'm not a totally naive idiot? I'm really not a 'candles and I'll just breathe the baby out' idealistic first-time mother - as I said, I'm terrified and fully expecting it to be painful and horrible, but people keep (completely unsolicitedly! I haven't brought up the topic of childbirth in conversation once!) making me feel like I'm doing something stupid.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Thanks, bower and preggosaurus!

Unlike while I was pregnant, my friendships have all returned to their status quo where we do not discuss my vagina, so I haven't actually had the chance to tell all them that it survived more or less intact...

[Preggosaurus9]

Well done OP.

I hope your friends are being less knobby now!

[MotherOfTheNoise]

I've had 3 vaginal births, with only slight grazing. All with only gas and air right at the end. Contractions are worse than the actual delivery but by far not the worst pain I've felt. My cousin has had 2 c sections and was in a lot worse shape than me. Ignore these idiots who haven't even had a baby so have no knowledge of what it's actually like. And (as far as I'm aware) my nether regions are still perfectly acceptable...well at least my husband tells me so!

[Bowerbird5]

Oops just saw it was an old thread.

Congratulations on your lovely baby boy.

[Bowerbird5]

My first was an emergency section. I was quite ill, had an infection and felt depressed for about six months. I fought for a normal delivery for baby 2 and although a much larger baby after changing Consultant I delivered a 9lb 3 oz baby and was up the street shopping three days later. Baby 3 & 4 delivered too. Baby 3 I went home the next morning. Yet after baby 1 I was told I would never have a normal delivery because I had a small pelvis.
What will be will be.
I hope you have a good delivery.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Was looking for another old thread of mine and found this one which a couple of people at the time said I should update once I'd given birth so thought I would...

DS is now nearly nine months so it was a while ago! I had a fairly straightforward, vaginal birth with gas and air. To be 100% honest I would have liked a bit more pain relief but I wasn't actually admitted to labour ward until I was pushing so I was told very firmly that I didn't have a lot of options! The hypnobirthing wasn't any sort of magic bullet but I'm glad I did it. I had a fairly bad second-degree tear, which wasn't brilliant at the time but has healed now completely to the point that I no longer know the scar is there and I don't have any accompanying issues. My vagina is definitely not ruined. Thanks to all who commented on this thread, which helped a lot at an anxious time!

[Magpiefeather]

Sounds like you have a good mindset OP!

Just to reassure you....

I had a vaginal birth and had a third degree tear which they stitched up really well in theatre. Far from a ruined vagina, I actually think it’s better than before!! Recovery wasn’t too painful or difficult - perhaps lucky but just wanted to add a positive anecdote! Not everyone gets a ruined vagina even with a pretty big tear!

Ps pelvic floor exercise really work

[codswallopandbalderdash]

OP I don't often talk about the fact that I had an OK birth - yes it had it's moments but generally I felt in control and it mainly went according to my birth plan. This is because of the barrage of horror stories that are usually paraded out (I got subjected to loads while pregnant) and after the birth I was told a few times that my experience was unusual. I often feel guilty that it was OK for me so I don't talk about it in RL much. And I never ever ever mention that I did hypnobirthing and both me and my DH found it really helpful - because people think I am some sort of mad hippy.

[Feb2018mumma]

5 month old and people still comment on my ruined vagina... Always people without children... It honestly repulses me! Recently makeup artist at a wedding wretched when I said gave birth vaginally!

[Verbena87]

Oops, pressed post by mistake. But was just reinforcing the fact that you’re going to be grand. There is so much pressure to have a ‘good’ birth and I’m not sure what that even means. I think the only important things are that you’re treated with respect and compassion, and you meet a healthy baby at the end.

Good luck.

[Verbena87]

OP you sound like you’re going to be fine.

I had an induction, 10lb9oz back to back baby, 14 hour labour including 2 hours of pushing and ended up needing a forceps delivery in theatre under epidural as he was wedged. None of it was intolerable, and up to the theatre but my main pain relief was standing under a hot shower (jet on lower back is a godsend!), hypnobirthing techniques, and gas and air. The hypnobirthing stuff was also great for staying calm and present when we got whizzed to theatre. Despite looking ‘traumatic’ on paper, my birth experience was amazing - it’s a really powerful experience however it pans out and witnessing your body bringing a human into the world is astonishing.

And I am still glad I had a vaginal birth and would do it again - c section recovery sounds really tough and whilst I do have some pelvic floor issues from his birth, so does a friend who had a section so you’re right it’s not a ‘get out of jail free’ card.

My main advice is if you get offered laxatives post birth, take them! Labour is sore but genuinely think the constipation afterwards was more painful because I decided I’d be fine just eating some dried apricots .

Honestl

[SlimGin]

Currently 28 weeks with first child and also had unnerving comments from a doctor friend even though I hadn't particularly asked for his thoughts. I won't share them, but I think he wanted to inject some reality into a conversation between a group of friends who've never given birth before. So I don't think he could help himself.

People will say anything so that they've said something.

[grace7]

Try to ignore those types of comments. I had my little boy in May, I'm pretty small and he weighed 7lbs14 but (ruined vagina?) I didn't tear or need stitches and the soreness didn't last long at all (sorry tmi). I know I was lucky in those respects but every birth is different and it's best to go with a positive mindset. Also re-epidural, I'm 17 and have a terribly low pain tolerance, I wanted to go all natural which didn't happen but survived with just gas and air and pethidine. Just do what you want to do, your comfortability is most important.

[Tori34]

I think people will make you feel bad no matter what birth you chose. I’m having an elective c section privately 9 hours from my home as it’s the closest place & I’m not going to BF either. Imagine the judgement I get. I really don’t care and my husband doesn’t either.

[Ginnotginger]

I gave birth 26 years ago and didn't need any pain relief until my then DH turned up and began making a fuss and panicking then it was gas and air. I had a small tear which healed quickly, my vagina wasn't ruined and at 51 I can still laugh, sneeze etc without weeing myself (touch wood).
My DD had a drug free waterbirth with her ds1, without tearing and gas and air after 2 inductions for her ds2. She hasn't commented about the state of her vagina and I haven't asked! However knowing my DD - if she had any problems she would have said something.

A couple of practical tips I would share are i) make sure the person taking you to hospital drives as smoothly as possible - if you are mid-contraction and they hit a pothole at speed (thanks dm) it is not a good experience and I never heard language like it from dd when I had to break hard when someone pulled out in front of me .

ii) Choose your birth partner carefully, my dm was brilliant - calm, helpful and encouraging - DH a panicky waste of space during birth (but good and helpful with dd post birth to be fair to him)

OP I have sympathy for you with the horror stories/wisdom from people who haven't got a clue, as both DD and I had to listen to our fair share of both and the fuckwits just won't shut up

[Girlwiththearabstrap]

Easier said than done but try and ignore the negativity. I've just given birth to my second a couple of days ago and the only "advice" I give is to listen to your body, listen to the midwife and take the whole experience one hour, or one contraction at a time.
No horror stories here - I've had two very different vaginal deliveries. Both induced. First with epidural (pre eclampsia, long labour etc) and second without. It was intense and yes, I did find it painful but also incredibly empowering. Sorry if that sounds lame!

I also got quite stressed out by all the "advice" I got before about ruined vaginas and c sections always being safer etc. Obviously in some scenarios a section is clinically necessary but in a lot of cases a vaginal delivery is perfectly possible and safe. Yes you might be a bit different afterwards but pregnancy and age do that anyway and a section isn't a guarantee of avoiding that.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Sorry you've been finding the same meadowhay - I think your ignore and disengage strategy is definitely the best one.

People don't seem to realise either that I barely say a word when they start going on about it lol it's as if they never intended to have a proper discussion with me, just talk at me.

This is exactly how I feel, too - and it's happened a few times on this thread, too! I was really careful to say that I knew you can't really plan birth, that I was open to all options, etc. and I still got a few 'don't be so rigid, be open to all your options, you can't plan birth' comments! I think some people have a set sermon they give to every expectant mother and they just deliver it whatever.

[MeadowHay]

OP You have very eloquently described what I've been experiencing the last few weeks and I have been very frustrated too, but I appreciate people just believe they're being helpful and showing interest etc so I am biting my tongue and basically just not saying anything in these conversations. People don't seem to realise either that I barely say a word when they start going on about it lol it's as if they never intended to have a proper discussion with me, just talk at me. This is a mixture of DH's family members who had less-than-ideal birth stories sharing them with me - I don't find this helpful as I've already done my research about possible eventualities and it's not as if they're just giving me the facts, they are actively telling me how scary and awful their birth was, not sure why they think I'd find that helpful?? Having said that I appreciate women should be free to share their birth stories and I don't doubt they believe that they're 'preparing' me rather than just scaring me shitless (although that is what the effect has been...). On the other hand I have my colleagues at work who are all younger than me and all saying misogynistic stuff too about how they'd "definitely have a C-section" to protect their vaginas and discussing awful birth outcomes even though as I say all of them are younger than me, none of them have children or have been pregnant etc. That stuff particularly annoys me but I just think they are a bit stupid really and ignore it. Again I barely say anything in response and when they realise they go "oh we're probably scaring you aren't we HA HA HA" ! I just smile serenely and say no and they get confused and shut up.

[droppedlasagna]

'horror stories' aren't great but I do believe women should know the truths and reality of what childbirth can be like. So many women end up shocked and wishing they'd been told certain things in order to prepare as well as be more informed for making choices and feeling in control. I don't understand the mindset of hiding things from pregnant women to not scare them.
The important thing to remember is that all women are different, we all have different preferences and ideals when it comes to birth. For one woman a 'dream birth' is hypnobirthing at home in a pool with no intervention, for another it is a controlled, planned caesarean birth. It's important to know the facts and make choices based on what is right for you

[Anna2006]

@Lisasimpsonsbff

If your friends have no experience of there own childbirth I’m flummoxed as to why they find the need to comment! As lots of precious posters have said, we’re designed to give birth to babies, the vagina is designed to facilitate the passage for the baby. Women can and do have straight forward delivery’s. Obviously this isn’t always the case for everyone. Instrumental and c section deliverys do form a large proportion of births nowadays, closer to 50%.

You sound clued up on what labour involves and you have a rough plan but you’re aware it can change in an instance and you can reasses at the time. Go with your gut.

I went into birth with the mindset of I can do this. My body is designed to do this. Women do it every day. I will be fine.

I had the worlds most stubborn baby, bad positioning and the labour I hoped for went out the window. Like another poster had mentioned I actually felt after birth like some women/friends should of let me in on how traumatic & bad it can actually be. I had a bad experience but I believe I’m in a smaller minority as I realised none of my friends had said about any of this as none of them fsuffered injuries as bad as mine so how could they tell me what they don’t know or haven’t experienced. So I believe there is a fine line between staying positive and having a good mindset. An realising that although we’re designed to do it and women do it every day. It’s a major thing for our body and it can have life changing effects.

I was definitely a bit naive to the “drug free natural labour saga” and got drawn into it a bit. Which in reality made me feel shit after a birth of everything I didn’t want (intervention & lots of pain relief)

Good luck for when the time comes. You seem like you’ve been on a long journey to get this baby & I hope it all turns out just as you plan!

[arbrighton]

Oh yes, because noone is ever in pain after they have major surgery to cut a baby out of them

IDIOTS

[FrozenMargarita17]

Ignore them. I had a great birth. I went in with an open mind but it went great and I think about how wonderful it was to this day!

[TheDuckSaysMoo]

Fair point, Sloth.

[Paranormalbouquet]

Hi Lisa! I'm sorry you are having this stress so late in pregnancy. For what it's worth I think you are being sensible considering all your options. I also don't think having a C-section for no good reason is sensible, nor do I think that having a natural, drug free birth is in any way aspirational. There is a lot of ignorance about this- I've had friends ask if I regret "choosing" to have a (category 1 emergency) CS!

I went into labour planning to go with the flow. I found my contractions very manageable and actually wrote all my wedding thank you cards between them!

However at 10cm dilated I developed quite a bad infection which caused foetal distress and needed an EMCS under GA. It wasn't the worst thing in the world but looking back I did wish I had an epidural in place as it would have saved me the GA later, and I've said that to people who have asked. However needing a GA section is uncommon so probably not a good reason to have one if all else is going well!

[Sleeplikeasloth]

TheDuckSaysMoo, after 9 months if needing to pee constantly, I felt like I'd won the lottery having a catheter :-D

Another jug if water Sloth? Don't mind if I do...

I got to lie in a bed, was brought food and chocooate, and didn't need to get up to pee. Blissful!!