Getting a bit upset by other people's comments

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I'm nearly 32 weeks pregnant, so maybe over-reacting due to hormones! Recently I've had a few comments about childbirth from friends - all along the lines of 'I'm absolutely never going to have a vaginal birth - I'll have a C-section' (none of them have ever given birth). This has all come with comments about 'ruined vaginas', etc. I know I should ignore these not particularly well-informed comments (though one of them was a doctor!), but I also keep seeing comments on Mumsnet (admittedly, I'm sure these are sticking out for me because it's something on my mind) basically suggesting that all women should have elective caesareans, too. The thing is, it's not even like anyone would even agree to give me an elective C-section - no medical indications, and while I'm scared of giving birth that's just in a normal way, not tokophobia - so it's not a decision I have to make, but these comments just keep going round and round my head. I've also had a few comments saying I should immediately ask for an epidural (some of these ones are from women who have given birth), and although I'm totally open to that if I need it, that's also not my ideal plan. I don't really know what I'm looking for here - maybe reassurance that I'm not a totally naive idiot? I'm really not a 'candles and I'll just breathe the baby out' idealistic first-time mother - as I said, I'm terrified and fully expecting it to be painful and horrible, but people keep (completely unsolicitedly! I haven't brought up the topic of childbirth in conversation once!) making me feel like I'm doing something stupid.

[Shutupanddance1]

Sorry about the horror stories you are getting OP. I’m 36 weeks and the amount of people who have given me head tilt when I say I’m going to try a VBAC is ridiculous. Think they are obstetricians themselves . I’d say to focus on what you want and hum out the horror stories

[katmarie]

Everyone has an opinion on childbirth, especially people who haven't been through it. My attitude was not to rule anything out pain relief wise, and to ignore anyone who didn't have a positive story. My birth experience didn't go to plan at all, and I did opt for the epidural, for me it was absolutely the right choice, but it was totally a choice, and my birth and recovery were generally very positive. I think you have to develop some selective hearing, or perfect a head tilt, 'goodness, why would you say that to a pregnant women' and wide eyed bewilderment look at people who lack tact.

[Trampire]

OP, remember many doctors will have only ever witnessed traumatic/emergency births or the after effects of a traumatic birth. Mainly all the many many positive/smooth vaginal births will be seen by midwives.

I think you have the right attitude OP. I've had 2 vaginal births. I went with the flow. I had a epidural with my first but not with my second as he was too quick. I agree that the contractions are more painful than the active labour and they 'build' so you can gain strength and almost get used to them coming.

No-one ever told me I wasn't allowed pain relief.

Yes, I tore. I was stitched up. I healed. To be honest, in labour you won't feel it or care much.

I was terrified of having c-section as I'd never had any surgery before. Of course I would have done so if I'd needed it.

I can only imagine how annoying it must be to hear these comments. Try as hard as you can to ignore. I know dozens of people close to me who've had plenty of vaginal births and none of them are 'horrific'.

[BackIntoTheSun]

I felt the same when I was pregnant, like all you hear are horror stories, it was demoralising. I was terrified especially when I was overdue. In the end I had to be induced and I had forceps delivery BUT it wasn't as bad as it sounds and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be based on internalizing everyone else's horror stories. And my lady bits haven't fallen off, hurrah!

[chavtasticfirebanger]

But birth naturally stretches your vagina and changes it permanently. It wont go back as it was. C sections are better in that respect but weaken your tumny muscles and can get overhang.
Basically any qay getting the baby out causes negative changes.
Fwiw sex life wise I wish id had sections (2 vaginal 1 CS). More dignified and less damaging. If they offer stitches, take them.

[GummyGoddess]

Ignore, you've said yourself that they literally have no idea what they're talking about. People just like to try and upset first time mothers for some reason. It's so bad that none of the first time mothers who asked how my birth was believe me that it was fine and manageable!

[Wildlingofthewest]

@chavtasticfirebanger

That’s not true! Yes, it changes your vagina but for a lot of women after the healing process is finished everything is back to normal. I’m 5 months post partum and honestly I’m back to normal down there! No lasting damage, no negative effect on sex post birth.
Everyone is different. Please don’t make vaginal birth sound like it’s a terrible ordeal for everybody - that’s not helping the OP!!

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Fwiw sex life wise I wish id had sections (2 vaginal 1 CS). More dignified and less damaging.

Thank you for commenting, and I'm not trying to be nasty, but this is the sort of thing I mean, really - I've already said that there's no chance I'd be approved for an elective caesarean even if I decided today I really wanted one, so I can't choose one - so how is it helpful to tell me that it would be 'more dignified and less damaging' if I did?

[notacooldad]

I always think it's similsr to the bad back story. . It's like everyone has a story to tell but usually theirs is the most horrific version! Its like they enjoy peoples misery.
I don't get it.
When you come to give birth you will find that you are too wrapped up in the moment to give a dam what anyone else thinks
In the meantime just smile and nod!

[chavtasticfirebanger]

Wilding but its a real possibility. People dont talk about it theres a whole thread on body changes.
Quick births to big babies in particular.

[Wildlingofthewest]

Lisa - please stop worrying. Your body is designed to have a baby. You are going to be fine!!! Everyone has an opinion, everyone has a different experience.

Once your baby is here you won’t be worrying about any of this I promise!!

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I'm also really, really not expecting to get my body back after birth exactly as it was before I got pregnant. But then I also didn't look or feel exactly the same before I got pregnant as I did when I was 21 (I'm 30), so I guess I don't feel like I'm giving up this amazing body that I worked hard for and would otherwise have got to keep! I'm obviously scared of changes that are debilitating - painful sex for the rest of my life, incontinence - but I know that a changed body post-partum is part of the deal.

[Wildlingofthewest]

Yes I am aware. But this lady has had her fill of people trying to tell her all the negative things that could happen. It’s not helping her. She’s worried about it, that’s the entire point of her posting here!
You prefer a csection, that’s great.its not an option for this lady so instead of telling her horrible YOU found v- delivery maybe you could tell her a few positive things?

[chavtasticfirebanger]

NICE guidelines dictate that women have the choice.
Im not being nasty. The reality of birth is that womens bodies change, should people pretend it doesnt-will it make you feel better? (Not meant nastily whatsoever).
Pregnancy is something everybody always has an opinion on. Just be open to the fact that you will go with what is needed-make a plan but don't expect that lavender infusions and baths will be enough-hopefully yes but possibly no. If your expectations are lower you should be fine. It is worth it all once theyre born anyway. I hope it goes well.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

make a plan but don't expect that lavender infusions and baths will be enough-hopefully yes but possibly no

I really don't feel like you've read any of my posts before jumping in with this stereotype of a naive first-time mother so I'm sorry but I'm going to stop responding to your posts now.

And my local NHS trust has a 'refuse and refer' policy for C-section requests that aren't for physical or severe psychological reasons, so no I can't choose one unless I'm willing to change my care to a hospital at least an hour away from me, which I'm not.

[Wildlingofthewest]

I’m not saying that anyone should pretend anything.
I’m just saying that this lady is here for a bit of reassurance. All she’s getting is negative horror stories. Lots of women have perfectly normal, unremarkable vaginal deliveries with little or no ill after effects. Just because you may not have had this experience doesn’t mean you that it’s the same for anyone else.
We all know our bodies change during and after birth. No one expects to go back
To being exactly the same but equally for a lot of women there is no significant negative change after having a baby.
I think too many people have the desire to try to shock or scare woman before having a baby and it’s just so unnecessary.

[chavtasticfirebanger]

Ok sorry.

[traumwerk]

OP please don't listen to the horror stories. I've had a normal vaginal birth with no stitches and minimal pain relief and I've also had an emergency c-section. The fact is that no one knows how it will go until you are in the throws of it, at which point it's too late to worry about the state you will be left in.

Well-meaning friends and family will always want to give you their opinions (and no doubt they will continue to do so on parenting 🙄) but as long as you feel comfortable with your choices, and the fact you're likely to have a vaginal birth try not to let it get to you - easier said than done, I know. If you need reassurance you really need to discuss your options with your midwife.

[Monkeypuzzle32]

Everyone always has an opinion and they can be upsetting but it’s your birth and your choice! I had to have an EMCS which is certainly not the easy option, particularly afterwards but body wise 5 months on it hasn’t changed too much for the worse so don’t fret about it and good luck!

[GilligansKitchenIsland]

OP, have you come across tellmeagoodbirthstory.com? It might help balance out some of the negativity.
Re long term physical changes down below, everyone's body heals differently. But it's not common to experience changes that really affect your sex life. And one of the things you can do to mitigate that risk is your pelvic floor exercises. Also listen to the midwife when she or he is telling you to stop pushing and just breathe! You could also consider perineal massage after you're 36 weeks or so.
Women have been doing this for centuries! But we love to compare horror stories and no-one wants to interrupt a therapeutic rehash of episiptomies and emergency sections with their story of a drug-free hypno-water-birth, in case it's seen as gloating or the other women in the group feel judged for not 'acheiving' the same. Its a shame, because it reinforces the myth of birth as a horrendous, traumatic event, when most of the time it's not!

[Turquoisesea]

The problem is people will always tell you if they’ve had an awful time but not many people share their stories if it was pretty standard. I’ve got 2 DCs (who are older now), had vaginal births with both of them. The first I had an epidural the second only gas & air as was very quick. Both were uncomplicated, yes I had stitches afterwards but it wasn’t horrendous. Obviously the 2nd was more painful but I agree that the contractions were worse than the birth. I don’t feel like it’s had any negative effects having a vaginal birth, no issues afterwards. No issues with incontinence or sex. You just have to see what happens, I wouldn’t chose to have a c section as it’s an operation & takes longer for your body to recover, but if I had needed one I would have absolutely had it. Try not to listen to all the negative stories as it’s impossible to know what will happen.

[BaronessBomburst]

I was 39 when I had DS.
Yes, it hurt, but my figure, vag, and pelvic floor are all back to normal. My stomach is flat, and I can trampoline, don't wet myself if I sneeze, and still use mini-size tampons. Actually, that's a change: my periods are lighter, painless, and over in three days.
Honestly, for most women it's absolutely fine!
You're much younger than me so physically likely to bounce back quicker too.

[GreyCloudsToday]

Hi Lisa

I think there are a few things at play here -

1. the true physicality of birth is massively glossed over - shows like OBEM end with getting the baby, not getting stitched up after a tear. Nobody really mentions tearing, yet it is a very likely outcome of vaginal birth and in my view women should be properly prepared for that. It shouldn't mean being over the top - most tears are mild, repairable etc. However, the UK system is not as responsive to women's health aftercare after birth which is really clear in the ongoing MN campaign, unlike our neighbours in France, for example. So birth becomes more scary because impacts are not treated in a timely manner.
   
   
2. natural birth without pain relief in some circles is seen as aspirational, which can be a problem (in my view). If you don't have a realistic view of the physical risks and probable outcomes of birth (see above) you can't really make an informed choice about what form of pain relief is appropriate for you personally. Also you can feel like a failure if you need intervention. The science is put forward in increasingly simplistic way: be calm = "good" hormones = you'll have a straightforward birth was the message in my NHS antenatal class. Yes, staying calm does help - but if your baby is not in the correct birth position, you can't necessarily hypnobirth your way out of that. Women feel like failures if their birth had negative personal outcomes in a way that they wouldn't if they had a bad outcome to appendix surgery. I think that impacts the discourse massively.
   
   Note that you actually SHOULD be able to access an ELCS according to the NICE guidelines.

[katmarie]

Op i have a positive story for you. I had initially planned a water birth and had done all the hypnobirthing stuff, but after three days of early labour I was too tired and sore for it, so took the pain relief they offered me so I could get some sleep! after two injections of pethadine and an epidural, and an episiotomy, I delivered my baby boy, and felt like a fucking hero! It was just the most incredible feeling. I had a fantastic birth, very calm and positive, the medical staff were wonderful, I'm literally desperate to do it all over again, despite it completely not going to plan. I had a few stitches, and after six weeks everything was fine, sex is still amazing, and everything down there feels as it should. I appreciate I've been lucky, but honestly, people only talk about the negative experiences, so you don't hear the positives all that often.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

greyclouds again, thank you for your comment but I don't think you're really responding to my posts. It's pretty clear that natural birth isn't 'aspirational' in my circles! And I don't want a C-section, I want people to stop telling me to get one! Again, I think I'm being as realistic as anyone can be about something they haven't yet done - I'm expecting to be painful and difficult, I'm completely open to all pain relief options if and when I need them. This is a desperately wanted baby and is currently still considered a high-risk pregnancy, I really don't feel like any birth will make me feel like a failure if I get a baby at the end of it. I basically just want people to stop telling me that I'm stupid for even trying for anything other than the most medicalised birth possible, and for other women to reassure me that I'm not an idiot for doing that.

And on that note, thank you so much to those who have shared supportive thoughts and positive stories. Again, I don't want to only hear best-case scenarios - I know I have to be realistic about the possibilities - but it has made me feel so much better to be told that I'm not being completely silly and naive about this.