Getting a bit upset by other people's comments

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I'm nearly 32 weeks pregnant, so maybe over-reacting due to hormones! Recently I've had a few comments about childbirth from friends - all along the lines of 'I'm absolutely never going to have a vaginal birth - I'll have a C-section' (none of them have ever given birth). This has all come with comments about 'ruined vaginas', etc. I know I should ignore these not particularly well-informed comments (though one of them was a doctor!), but I also keep seeing comments on Mumsnet (admittedly, I'm sure these are sticking out for me because it's something on my mind) basically suggesting that all women should have elective caesareans, too. The thing is, it's not even like anyone would even agree to give me an elective C-section - no medical indications, and while I'm scared of giving birth that's just in a normal way, not tokophobia - so it's not a decision I have to make, but these comments just keep going round and round my head. I've also had a few comments saying I should immediately ask for an epidural (some of these ones are from women who have given birth), and although I'm totally open to that if I need it, that's also not my ideal plan. I don't really know what I'm looking for here - maybe reassurance that I'm not a totally naive idiot? I'm really not a 'candles and I'll just breathe the baby out' idealistic first-time mother - as I said, I'm terrified and fully expecting it to be painful and horrible, but people keep (completely unsolicitedly! I haven't brought up the topic of childbirth in conversation once!) making me feel like I'm doing something stupid.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I also very fundamentally disagree that 'no one mentions tearing'! When I read posts about 'no one tells you that birth will change your body' I sometimes wonder if they grew up in a different culture to me - did no one else grow up hearing misogynistic 'jokes' about 'ruined bodies' ('watching your wife give birth is like watching your favourite pub burn down' and the like)?

[TheyCanGoInTheBucket]

Sorry you're experiencing this OP.

Unless someone has given birth out of their vagina themselves, or trained as a mw, then I really don't think they're in any position to comment.

I found this book very helpful to prepare myself mentally for giving birth:

www.amazon.co.uk/Ina-Mays-Guide-Childbirth-Gaskin/dp/0553381156?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

I personally have found that the baths with lavender infusions DID help (contrary to PP), as well as a TENS machine and G&A. I birthed a 9lb'er with a massive head this way at home, not so much as a scratch. Yes it does hurt, but no pain no gain right? And I'm about to try and do it again so it can't have been that bad.

My medically trained colleagues thought I was INSANE for choosing a HB over an ELCS, but they've seen things I haven't in their training so I wasn't offended by their views.

[Dietcokebreak1]

All that ruined vagina thing is a myth. Mine is the same as before and I was cut. Just keep doing pelvic floor all the time before and after. It's designed to have sex and give birth, it springs back. It's a very clever design.

Childbirth hurts but you can always have an epidural if the pain is too much, and you soon forget about it. Just go with the flow and you'll be fine. Remeber woman have been giving birth since the dawn of time, it's what your body was designed to do. You will be fine and so will your lady garden.

[littlecabbage]

I'm so pleased to hear that you are trying hypnobirthing. I was sceptical at first (I'm very science-minded and not at all "alternative"), but the science behind it (conscious and unconscious thought having an effect, positive or negative, on pain transmission pathways) totally makes sense. Wish I had discovered before my first birth.

Can't believe some people think it's misogynistic! It doesn't mean you can't have other pain relief, it just means less chance of needing it! (And less chance therefore of unwanted side effects).

And yes, yes to sharing positive birth stories. Of course there is a need to be sensitive to someone who did have a negative experience, rather than making them feel as though they have somehow failed. But it is likely that some (not all, I grant you) negative experiences were at least partly due to the woman's unconscious fear of birth, causing pain perception to be higher, causing less smooth progression of labour and therefore more interventions.

[Dietcokebreak1]

Oh also, women that have not have babies telling you that giving birth will ruin your vagina just smacks of jealousy to me.

Ignore them, pathetic bitches that don't know what they're talking about.

[Lndnmummy]

Hi OP, interesting post. I felt the complete opposite after mine, that no one had told me how dreadful and traumatic it can be. I didn’t speak to my best friends for weeks after as I felt somehow let down by the “sisterhood”. Felt that someone, anyone had given me a more realistic view of childbirth. I went in with a pling plong cd and lavender spray and whole heartedly expected to be able to breathe the baby out. Also spent hundreds on hypnobirthing. I felt that all that prep whilst calming in the run up to the birth was calming it did nothing to prepare me for the trauma that followed. I do wish that someone had told me. I would have felt less like a failure as a result.

I wish you the best birth and I do think despite what my post suggests that hupnobirthing has a place as I think you do need to have a “I can do this mindset”. I wish you the very best of luck and maybe it is time to gently steer the conversation away from birth topics for now? I am due my second on 4th of July (got a section this time) so we are close in due dates!

[GreyCloudsToday]

Sorry I didn't address your concerns? Basically I was trying to say care providers aren't giving the correct evidence about risk and consent in VB see this case. What I'd like to see is science-based evidence that enables women to have a proper choice between birth methods including VB and ELCS.

Sorry no I didn't grow up with those jokes about tearing and I had a really hard time emotionally with it and the after-effects that still affect me today. It's great if your care providers are giving you the full picture on tearing and damage including personalised risk factors, but mine didn't last time or this time around. I know through my own research I'm significantly more likely experience a severe tear due to past history and increasing age. That's information I'd have about other surgery but it's not available to me about VB.

I hope you have a great birth anyway and you won't need to think of this at all.

[NeverLovedElvis]

You might like to read 'home birth' by Nicky Wesson. Although it focuses on birth at home i would recommend it to any woman who is approaching birth because it describes a wide range of different birth experiences- quick, slow, assisted, unassisted, epidural and no pain relief and everything in between. I found it very empowering to be armed with honest information about what childbirth might be like.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I guess what I'm saying greyclouds is that you - just like my friends - are making a series of valid and important points, but the way you're doing that is by making me more scared about a situation that I can't change and where more fear can't contribute anything positive.

[GreyCloudsToday]

Apologies I posted then.

[Bluntness100]

I'll have a C-section' (none of them have ever given birth)

Oh really. Not given birth. Don't you mean they didn't deliver vaginaly?

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

No, I mean none of them have children! It didn't occur to me until your post that people might read it that way at all, and I'm really sorry if people did (and maybe explains why I felt people didn't seem to realise at first that they weren't speaking from experience at all).

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I would never, ever refer to a woman who had a C-section as not having given birth, and I'm mortified at the idea that people might have thought that's what I meant.

[Mrscog]

I’ve had 2 dc, 2 big tears and it all went back to normal down there - some people are not so lucky, but there are lots of people like me who have a ‘boring standard’ experience not super woo and hypnobirthy but not a total bloodbath either, they just don’t get talked about much because they’re a bit boring! Good luck for your new arrival!

[Bluntness100]

Ah, ok, thanks op,

[DuchyDuke]

A lot of my family have had 2 hour vaginal births, no stitches, and were able to go to the gym and wear their pre-maternity jeans within a week. They wouldn’t have been able to do any of that for 12 weeks with a C-Section!

[SakuraBlossom]

I've had a C section and a natural birth. Why anyone would voluntarily want a C section is beyond me.

[RioTheParrott]

I didn't know I was in labour until I was 8cm dilated and had gas and air only. Everyone's experience is different but it was alot better than I expected. My vagina isn't ruined either

[Bear2014]

Of my NCT group, 8 women, I was the only one to have a c section. Most women I know had relatively straightforward natural births. Try to go with the flow and ignore scaremongering

[smeerf]

5 out of 9 of my ante natal group had c sections - most of them couldn't lift their babies for weeks after the birth and relied heavily on their partners and family which sounded incredibly stressful. Two developed infections in their wounds and two were unable to establish breastfeeding despite wanting. Not one of them would have chosen a section had they had the choice.


I feel very lucky to have been able to give birth naturally. I was induced and my baby weighed a whopping 9lb15. Everything progressed a bit too quickly towards the end for an epidural but the actual birth wasn't that bad. If you listen to the midwife when she tells you when to push and when to pause then you can keep the tearing to a minimum. Even with my monster baby I only ended up with a second degree tear and at 12 weeks pp I've been back to normal down there for a while now.

[smeerf]

I also agree with the pp who suggested these women who were critical of natural birth might be jealous.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Thanks for the comments. I really don't think they're jealous, and I do think they're genuinely concerned for me - I think that they think I've been brainwashed by some hippy natural birth movement that I have neither encountered or espoused!

[Dietcokebreak1]

I read it that the friends didn't have kids not that they had c sections.

It sounds like your friends have been brainwashed to think vb is bad. It's not, it's natural and normal and what your body is designed to do. It can be traumatic or damaging for a unfortunate few, but thats not that majority.

[crazychemist]

Try not to worry, OP. I was very nervous before I had DD, and while I wouldn't want to minimise problems that others had, if things go well it's easier than I thought it would be. I personally found a water birth to be more effective pain relief than anything else and I'm sure it sped things up as I could easily shift my weight to get into a position that was effective and relatively comfortable. Everything down there repaired pretty well afterwards and my DH insists there's absolutely no difference, and I don't feel any different either. Weeing was more painful than I'd anticipated for the first week as it stung like mad on my tear and I quickly got into the habit of running a shallow bath to sit in! But compared to major surgery and the recovery time of my NCT buddies that had caesareans it's nothing, and it passes very quickly. If/when DC2 happens I'm assuming I'll do things the same as last time if all goes well and I'm not worried.

[MotherWol]

OP, a positive story for you. I went overdue, DD was born at 42+2, I was induced but in the end I had a c-section. Even though I had a section it felt like a positive experience because I went through this incredibly tough, challenging thing and I did it. It all worked out ok. I was able to talk through my options with my midwife and the consultants, I didn't feel railroaded into anything, and although it wasn't the birth I'd anticipated, it still felt ok. I grew a tiny human and I'm amazed and proud of what my body's capable of.

Whatever your birth story ends up being, you're strong, capable and you can do this.