I’m bloody sick of his complacency.

[WouldIBeBetterOffAlone]

I have had one too many clashes with my ‘birth partner’. He also happens to be dh and father to my Dd.

He was present at Dd birth, and about as useful as a cock flavoured lollipop. He tells me it will be different this time.

This ass hasn’t even read one article on what to do as a birth partner. He spouts the biggest load of shit about ‘us’ doing this, and ‘we’ platitudes.

He gets annoyed and says, “what do you want me to say?”

I don’t trust him to be prepared, supportive or advocate for me effectively when it comes to the crutch. I’d be better off alone. At least then I don’t have to worry about him along with everything else.

I’m dealing with a serious fear of childbirth here and I’m really not feeling like I should have to hold his hand too when he has shown no initiative himself to get prepared.

Am I terrible to consider robbing him of being their at his child’s birth because of his incompetence?

I’m very angry.

Oh bless you. I gave my DH the talk and told him that his sole job was to advocate for me, ask questions if they weren’t telling me what was happening and read my expressions to know when I wasn’t comfortable (terrible labour phobia here too). Ended up having an emcs and when I most needed him (spinal from hell) he wasn’t allowed in. Be straight - tell him what you need, and if he can’t do it then he needs to leave you alone to get on with it.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Is there anyone you can ask to be your birth partner? Maybe seeing that you were serious about excluding him from YOUR medical intervention, might give him the kick to get his head out of his ass?

Mine didn't read an article either.
First time round I yelled at him to do what I wanted.
Second time round there was no time for him to do anything except get help, run and stand out of the way.
Perhaps focus on what you need and how to deal with your anxiety.
Give him a copy of the birth plan and tell him what you want?

3 horrendous experiences here that all resulted in emergency sections but my husband didn't miss a single birth and I would never rob him of that experience. I advocated for myself, I wouldn't say he was my birthing partner, he was my husband and did as he was told when he was getting shouted at by me in agony lol if your husband genuinely wants to be at the birth of his child I think it would be a shame if it was taken away by you. I know for me if it was the other way round and I was a bit useless at that sort of thing I'd be devastated if it was taken away from me. I'd have a chat with him and make sure he wants to be at the birth, he could be just as scared as you are really but doesn't want to show it.

This ass hasn’t even read one article on what to do as a birth partner
Have to say, I was giving birth and didn't read any articles so would not have expected the sperm giver to have done differently.
Maybe naively, we expected the medical staff to have read the books...
Seriously though, if you have serious anxiety I would hope the medical experts you are seeing through your pregnancy would help you with suitability of birthing partners.

Does he want to be at the birth? Not every man does. If he's not keen and you are worried he won't be up to it, why not pick someone else?
I wasn't on good terms with my DS' dad when DS was born, so had my mum and my then best friend with me.

Dh hasn't ever read an article on how to be a birth partner, in fact I doubt he knows such things exist. I think reading someone else's version and reality can be two very different things. What did he do wrong at your first birth? Maybe explaining how you felt let down/upset by his behaviour there might work better to make him understand how you feel?

However depending on the staff, I think that being a birth partner and being taken seriously/listened to can be hard. With ds, the Doctors listened to dh, the midwives less so.

I don’t think he wants to be there. I think this is his clever way of dodging another bullet. The pp who called him a sperm giver has it spot on.

Big blazing row and it looks like I’m on my own with this one.

I'm sorry OP. Who could you ask to be with you? Who could give you the support and reassurance you need?

I don’t really have anyone else. But if I’m on my own at least the medical staff know I’m on my own - if he is present it gives the illusion that I have support when I don’t. To me that’s worse.

I lost the ability to communicate last time, so advocating for myself was impossible. But he doesn’t listen or process my needs or feelings enough to advocate for me anyway.

I asked him today if he understood the mechanics of labour and childbirth and he said no, because he isn’t a doctor.

Could you consider a doula? No family or friends you could have there?
Honestly my DH probably didn't have a clear idea of what was going on. But he did listen to me.

OK, is he so shit and uninterested generally that the relationship is best ended? Or is it just about the birth?
TBH I think it's a mistake to insist that a man is present at the birth when he isn't keen. It's OK not to want to watch your partner in pain and danger, OK to find the whole business a bit gross - there are lots of people who are just completely freaked out by blood, or hospitals, or bodily functions, but who are otherwise lovely and loving.

That’s a good point. He’s pretty shit, but not ‘end the relationship shit’. He will ultimately what to be there so he can say he was there, but no I do t think he wants to be there at all.
The best thing about him is that he gave me my kids, and he’s a good provider. He is not good at relating or supporting. He is also selfish.

Is there anyone else you could have with you? My other half was quite open about the fact he thought he would struggle to support me, and there was also a risk he would be away for work if I delivered early or late, so we have ended up booking a doula. He'll still do the classes with me, but it's definitely put him at ease to know he's got some back up and someone with experience to help with the advocacy.

If that hadn't been possible, I would have looked at family or friends who would support. Even my brother offered to help (on the proviso no one made him sit down the business end)

SiolGhoraidh I would respect dh if he was very open about not wanting to be there. But that’s not his way. He is very passive aggressive to me.

This ass hasn’t even read one article on what to do as a birth partner

Mine never did either, I didn’t know they were supposed to? In fact neither did I. DH just sat next to me keeping as quiet as possible which is what I wanted from him really.
How did you feel unsupported last time? What could he do this time to make it better?

I think you've got bigger problems than who to have with you at the birth, TBH. It's awful living with a man who doesn't pull his weight and clearly has no respect or goodwill for you.