Feeling a let down after long labour & assisted birth

[Anna2006]

Does anyone else feel that way? I’m not sure if these feelings are normal. I know it’s stupid really. Your baby is here safe and it doesn’t matter either way how long or what way they came into the world.

But hearing from friends/family that had easy straight forward births in hours rather than days long like mine was & then that I required assistance just makes me feel a bit crap. Like less of a women for not being good at labour or being able to birth my baby on my own.

In my head I know these are stupid emotions. But I can’t help but feel them anyway. It feels like I failed at it a little bit.

Even though my baby was back to back an then got wedged sideways which was the majority of my issue and nothing that I intentionally did.

Argh wish I could make these feelings go away!!!

Yes I felt exactly the same after my birth.

First baby, induced from 9am Wednesday morning and she was finally born 2pm Friday afternoon by EMCS.

Couldn't breastfeed which I was planning to (and looking forward to!) due to losing 7 pints of blood after my uterus ruptured during the operation and had to spend 10 days in hospital with drips/drains coming from everywhere and couldn't get the hang of it!

Felt like an utter failure for the first month and couldn't stop crying but it has got better over time.

Have you got a birth debriefing option from your hospital? I found talking about the birth and why it didn't go to plan made me feel a lot better about it all.

I felt the same way after giving birth to my son. Two and a half hours pushing followed by ventouse. Didn't help the midwife kept saying I wasn't trying hard enough even though I was putting 100% Into it and was exhausted! I also had an epidural as couldn't cope without pain relief. I still feel like a failure now

I felt exactly the same way after the birth of DS two years ago. Latent phase started on Thursday evening and DS was finally born by forceps on Sunday night at 42weeks. I was exhausted, had every pain relief option available and he was taken to SCBU as he didn't breathe and had cord around his neck. Didn't get to hold him until the day after he was born. Four days later we were both discharged. Luckily breastfeeding went well and we both healed eventually. Pregnancy had been lovely so the birth was a shit ending!

Didn't realise how much it had affected me until I was pregnant again. This time we had an appointment with the birth listening service at hospital to talk about what had happened which was immensely helpful. I would really recommend doing this if your hospital offers it.

This time I also had an appointment with perinatal mental health and made a plan to manage the final weeks of pregnancy and birth. I am being induced on Sunday and feel much more positive.

Sorry you've had a hard time but please try and make use of the services offered by the hospital and don't be hard on yourself.

Your body grew a human being and that's pretty incredible!

Yes. I'm currently in counseling for it, it's helping.

Its crap isn’t it. It’s making me feel really shit.

It’s prob still all hormones flying around aswell. An I’m still very sore 6 weeks post birth an feel like I’ll never have a sex life again!!

Congratulations on your baby

You aren't alone. DC1 was a failed induction - started on a Monday, ended with EMCS on the Saturday. I think I was lucky in that the actual CS delivery was wonderful.

The rest of it left me exhausted, angry, confused and very upset when a doctor refused to end a vaginal exam despite me crying and begging.

At the time I tried to put it behind me but in reality DS was about 13 months old before I really confronted how I felt and finally got perspective: the "problem" wasn't me. It was a combination of (1) staff not being honest about risks and how often things go wrong, (2) women being dismissed if they talk about difficult births as scaremongers or attention-seekers, (3) an attitude that as long as baby arrives safely your experience doesn't matter, (4) birth doesn't end with delivery - the effects birth physical and mental can continue for years but nobody tells you this beforehand

None of this was my fault in the same way that how you feel isn't your fault either. You aren't less of a woman - you're a stronger one for getting through a scary and difficult situation.

Please take advantage of the support out there. Chat to your HV and see if you can get a debrief from the hospital about the birth - they may well be able to give you some answers and reassurances. Perhaps request counselling from your GP?

I'm sorry you're having a hard time

I will be asking for a birth reflections to talk through it. I haven’t been as emotional after birth as I thought I would be about general things. It’s only this that makes me upset.

Thank you for saying it doesn’t make us less of a women. An you are right in saying it almost makes us stronger for persevering an going through something that can really be quite traumatic.

When friends and family have had very easy smooth births within hours and been discharged very quickly. I feel they don’t truly understand how any women could feel when you get the complete opposite.

Sounds like I had a very similar experience to you. I kept replaying it over and over in my head afterwards and wanted to talk it through all the time. This was 2 years ago and having been able to reflect, I really think the amount of focus put on the birth of your child can be quite damaging when it doesn't go a certain way. I wish less of a big deal would be made about the actual birth - what's important is that baby and mum are both healthy and the whole lifetime of parenting that comes afterwards.

I'm sure you did an amazing job and are doing an amazing job bringing up baby now. That's what matters x

Congratulations on your LO, I think for a lot of us things don't go to plan, I went in hospital Monday 8am for induction and after them trying to get me going for 3 days and nothing happening I had a section booked for Wednesday that was cancelled at 7-8pm as they ran out of time, finally had the section the Thursday afternoon which was much better than I expected

Birth can be traumatic and takes a while to process. You are definitely not alone in feeling the way you do, I found talking about it with the midwife was helpful and going through my notes. I assure you that you will begin to come to terms with it, you are still healing and it’s very early days.

I know how you feel. My son was going to be born at home. My midwife had given me the thumbs up, the community midwife brought the birth box to my house, everything was going perfectly.
I got to 41 weeks and started bleeding so went straight to hospital.
There I was examined and told that I had placenta previa. It was an absolute shock. I hadn't been diagnosed at my earlier scan, I had an emergency c-section in the end. The midwife looking after me told me that someone must have been watching over me the night I bled, because it could have been fatal if I tried to have my son at home without knowing my placenta was in the way. To this day I still feel a tinge of sadness but just remind myself my boy is here and healthy, he celebrated his 1st birthday the other day :).

Anna congratulations on your birth lovely! especially at how your lil one was in a difficult position.

As you can see from all the PPs you aren't alone in feeling like this.

I still suffer from terrible guilt over my assisted birth and its causing me massive anxiety issues for #2. I feel like mine wasn't needed (I was forced down as I was cut open and forceps used) and as much as I'm happy DS was born all fine he later develop jaundice which I later found out is more common in assisted births than unassisted births. This of course makes me feel even more guilty.

You can talk to a MW about how you are feeling and they will go through everything with you and why you shouldn't feel guilty. I wish I took this option us but at the time I was bloody terrified of any more MWs coming near me.