Labour Anxiety Following Loss

[Lavenderdays]

After experiencing a late loss nearly 3 years ago, I am feeling nothing but anxiety about looming childbirth (I am currently 31+5).

This is my fourth pregnancy (no. 3 resulted in a late loss). During my second labour...I was pretty calm all things considered and had been practicing hypnobirthing from a cd and more or less let myself go with the flow (as much as you can).
This time though, I have an impending sense of doom and imagining everything that is possible to go wrong will go wrong because basically when I had my late loss I was that 1 woman in 100 and also because my consultant did not initially diagnose my sons impending death (outcome would have been the same but he thought nothing serious was awry from measurements etc. and I feel it was missed).
So, it seems that I have lost trust in my body and in the medical staff around me. A few nights over the past few weeks I have woken up and had mini panic attacks. It is not helped by the fact that my eldest dd (11) has expressed that she is worried what will happen to me when I go into hospital etc. and will the baby be alright etc. Obviously, I have tried not to let my anxiety show and reassure her to a point but this seems to have escalated things. I have an appointment with my consultant the week after next and intend to tell her about my anxiety but in all honesty what can be done...you are committed to giving birth one way or another.
The spontaneous onslaught of labour is also worrying me (arranging childcare for my two dcs has not been easy - we have no extended family). It seems that I am worrying about everything both what will happen inside and outside the hospital at the time of birth. With this being my fourth pregnancy, I am under the impression that things might progress quickly and I am trying to be prepared as possible.
Perhaps it is the case that my anticipation of the event is worse then when it all actually happens...I am not naïve; I know it is going to hurt but in actual fact the whole getting to hospital and logistics surrounding birth will go more smoothly than I anticipate.
I am an older mother too (40's) and of course there are all the scare stories and associated risks that go along with this. There are no easy answers are there...the fact is it is out of our control and you've just got to get through it. Just feeling scared and alone, I guess and it feels good to express how I feel x

So sorry for your loss, and sorry for the fear you must be living with now.

I am glad you are planning to talk with your consultant, it may be possible to make some plans to alleviate the practical concerns, early induction for example would allow you to make plans around childcare. It is not something I would generally recommend but if you have had three physically straightforward vaginal deliveries it should be successful (although may still be time consuming). For what it's worth my experience is that labours don't automatically get quicker. Second is normally faster than first, but third and fourth may not be.

Are you supported by a bereavement midwife or mental health specialist? Or have you seen a Gp about the panic attacks? It is a physical response to the immense stress you are under and you may find some extra support or medication helpful in managing it.

There are no answers as you say, but have a virtual hug

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Hi Dusky, thanks for replying. I think I'm just going to have get on with it...I am determined not to take medication and as I seem to be keeping my anxiety at bay most days, there is probably no need for it. I am banking on my third labour being a relatively fast one and that is what is helping me get through (even though the reality might be different), I need to focus on the relatively straightforward birth I had with dc2.

I had a year's counselling through cruse after my loss which really helped but I didn't actually envisage becoming pregnant again (fertility issues), so it almost feels as if it is too good to be true. There is nothing much a GP can do than obviously medication or refer to mh which quite frankly, is fairly lacking in our area. All the reassurance in the world isn't going to make a huge degree of difference, its all very well listening to other people's positive birth stories but at the end of the day each labour is different. I am hoping that I will feel more secure once I have been admitted to the maternity unit where there are medical facilities (and hopefully lovely medical staff) - I think it will be more useful to speak to my consultant about my concerns that way the ball is more in their court to pre-empt things going wrong. Really want to avoid an induction as they can be long and drawn out anyway...somehow, I am going to have to deal with the unknown of it all and will write down my anxieties before my next meeting with the consultant. x