Starting to panic about birth

[Bellamuerte]

37 weeks and starting to panic about birth. I feel like there's a ticking clock counting down until my lady bits get irreversibly shredded. SIL told me that during birth she tore into "one big hole" and was repaired surgically but basically has "nothing but scar tissue down there". I have a horrible feeling like the body I've come to know my entire life is on borrowed time. I'm also terrified something will go wrong and this is my last few weeks of freedom before I end up with a disabled child to care for the rest of my life. Paranoid perhaps but I'm making myself sick with worry :(

I know the feeling. ...

(1) Can your mother tell you (honestly and frankly & not pretending that it all was fabulous) how her first birth went? According to the doctor who delivered my first child (dreadful birth, forceps, lots of damage and we we didn't know until the 6 week check that he was not disabled) you have a 50 percent chance of having a similar experience to your mother. FWIW my mother was too shy to tell me about her births before I had my eldest & when she visited me in hospital she wept. Her first birth was similar to mine.

(2) If she had difficult birth (tear / forceps etc) or if she 'can't remember' (i.e. it was so bad that she doesn't want to scare you) demand a c-section. Say it is for your mental health.
I am in Australia & over here you can ask for a c-section. You just need to be strong about it.

(3) If a c-section is not available to you, or if you mother had a wonderful first birth, well you should give it a good go. However, I often regret not bringing my mother with me into the labour room when I gave birth (the first time). Before the birth we went to compulsory birth classes at our local hospital. It was very much portrayed as an experience for us as a couple. (i.e. the pregnant person and their partner). When I was in labour my dh was out of his comfort zone. He sat on a chair in the corner. Friends of ours who were in at the same time had a better experience with her mother in the room.

My mother was very fortunate in giving birth - virtually painless contractions for 12hrs then 15 minutes of painful labour and baby popped right out. All of her babies were born early and she had no stretch marks. I'm already not following her example because my baby hasn't come early and I'm covered in ugly stretch marks. I'm afraid my baby is taking after DH, who was huge and had to be induced, leading to lifelong problems for his mother such as incontinence and prolapse.

I'm 39+2, and am completely there with you with the worry, especially the part about having a disabled child. Things that helped me are:

1. Look at the stats for having a disabled child. It is so incredibly unlikely, especially if everything in your scans has been completely normal.

1. Googling 'best thing about having a baby', so I start to fill my mind with positive thoughts

1. Putting a plan in place to regain control of my body. So being aware of online exercise programs, what I can and can't do, local mum and baby fitness groups etc.

The stats on the kind of tear your sister had are so so low. Sounds like she is doing that wonderful thing people who have given birth do and telling you horror stories/your life will never be the same again. I have no idea why people do this, it's mean and horrible in a time filled with uncertainty.

You poor thing - the weeks leading up to birth can be so nerve wracking. Everyone is a bit scared at least and tbh if they aren’t a little they don’t know what’s about to happen! But nobody can tell you how it’s going to go.

I can however tell you that not everybody ends up with terrible damage done to them. My mum had two awful births and lasting damage due to interventions but mine with DD was a doddle really - incredibly painful yes, but I was given pain relief as soon as requested, it lasted less than 12 hours in terms of really true needing your attention labour, and I had no tears, not even a graze. So it can all be ok. It’s not always a trauma. And I am not an easy breezy hypno birthing type - nothing wrong with that either of course, but I’m not, I took drugs, I didn’t think it was miraculous or wonderful, I just got through it!

Speak to your midwife or consultant about your fears. If it really does feel all too much they should respect that and you should ask for a section but at this stage...realistically it might not happen. Nothing to be lost by asking though. And they can talk you through pain relief options, positions, steps to avoid trauma, etc.

Other tip - perineal massage.

And yes, the chances of your baby being harmed in the course of a medically attended birth in a hospital are really very low. Resources are stretched yes but midwives and drs do care and are (generally) excellent at their jobs.

The thing is - it’s not really in completely in your hands either. Any woman in labour can only ever do her best, there will always be a certain amount of chance involved. I know that isn’t comforting for everyone but it should at least suggest there’s little point in stressing. again.

Your SIL is an idiot, or a cow.

My first birth was my best (of 3), 14 hours from first twinge to baby out, painful at the end but manageable with gas and air, not one tear! My mother's first birth on the other hand was terrible and she and my sister nearly died, so lucky things can happen!

There's nothing you can do to guarantee a perfect outcome, but there are things you can do to help, and the first is to calm yourself, though I know this is easier said than done! Have you done any hyonbobirthibg or even regular mindfulness or calm dvds? They are lovely for the early stages and help you feel less panicked or out of control (because once you start freaking out, it's hard to get back to calm). Your partner can help too by supporting your calm, whether that means massaging your back, telling you that you are strong and amazing (which you will be!), letting you break his fingers while gripping his hand during your contractions/c-section, or telling SIL to back the hell off!

Statistically you are likely to have some tearing (though plenty of women don't), but small tears really do heal fast, mine are not even visible now they've healed. My sister's c section scar got horribly infected and caused massive issues - c sections are amazing when needed, and i personally think women should always have a choice, but do be aware that on here people are much more likely to share horror labour stories (people with good births don't spend so.much time thinking about them!), while c sections can be presented as a risk free alternative, which is also not true.

Perineal massage feels a bit weird but has evidence that it reduces the chance of any damage, if you want to do it you'd need to start asap.
If you're really nervous do tell the midwives, they've been there before and can help.

On just three weeks or so, you will be holding a wonderful baby, good luck xoxo

OK you need to relax. Apparently the worst thing for labour is other people's horror stories which they love to embellish. My first labour was almost identical to that of a woman who came back to our baby yoga group and recited her labour story in detail. My other labours went much better. Start reading about hypnobirthing. The best thing I ever did, I wish I'd done it with the first birth.

I always find that the people who want to talk about their births are those who had difficult or traumatic experiences, you rarely hear from those who had straight-forward deliveries.

Speak to your midwife as your anxiety levels sound very high, rather than googling, she may be able to reassure you.

My first birth was such a positive experience I'm actually kind of looking forward to doing it again. Didn't tear, didn't use pain relief, and my body is totally fine.

Download some hypnobirthing tracks if you do nothing else - they can be very helpful. In all honesty, once you've carried a pregnancy to term your body will probably not be exactly as it was before whatever way the baby comes out, but even if you never had a baby you'd still be ageing and your body will change. It will still be your body and feel like your body - and in general issues will ease and any damage will heal.

My first birth (27 years ago today) was so good and pain free I didn't believe the midwife she could see the head. I spent most of it in the bath- so maybe try a water birth if it's available? I went on to have 3 further births- all fine 'down there'! And whopping babies-9lb +

I'm like you OP. I'm to scared to give birth so I've begged the dr for a c section. After I told her about my mums birth with me, Dr agreed. I know cs has risks but it's a risk either way. Anyway sorry that didn't help but just offering

Look up Hypnobirthing and focus on the positive affirmations- the more focused and relaxed you are the much less likely to have any problems. My first birth was a great experience, no horror stories to share. Make sure whoever is with you during your labour is supportive -definitely ignore your sister in law until afterwards (or possibly longer-she sounds horrible to be trying to scare you like that).

You will be fine. I was terrified - absolutely bricking it, shitting it, not sleeping for 9 months dreading it. It was absolutely fine, I don’t know about others but you will do anything to get that baby out safely so you just go with it. I’m not going to lie, I was still terrified all the way through, but I took every step in my stride pain-wise... being induced, waters being broken, internals etc. In the end I needed a drip and opted for an epidural (again terrified of this!) recommended by the midwife - all fine. The baby had to have internal checks done, including her blood being taken using a massive cone to get access , I had an episiotomy and a ventouse - all fine, absolutely fine and would do it all again. Basically no matter how bad it can get, it can still be ok - I’m back to normal down there 4 months on as well. Try and stay positive! Not trying to scare you, but showing a bad labour can be good as well!

Have you talked to your midwife about your fears? I'm having a lot of fears about the birth right now (oddly, as I wasn't afraid at all before DD's birth) and told my midwife so now I'm going to have a special appointment to discuss birth fears with a consultant - maybe similar is possible for you.

When I gave birth to DD it wasn't remotely the experience I'd wanted. Induced. Had to be constantly monitored so no pool. Hours of labour, failed attempt at forceps and finally an EMCS. It was all fine. A bit of a wierd experience but one that I would repeat without a second thought. So even though it ticked most of the boxes for a bad delivery it really wasn't! Don't listen to horror stories, unless your doctor or midwife have advised you to expect problems just expect to need to be flexible about how you deliver and look forward to holding your baby at the end!

All births are different and it is really natural to be anxious.
I would suggest trying to use your remaining time to do a bit of research, rather than listening to people's horror stories.
There are lots if positive birth experiences out there too. During labour try to stay calm, focus on the end when you will meet your baby, get your birth partner to keep the room quiet and dimly lit to allow you some space. Go with your contractions, rather than fight against them. Talk to your midwife and express your concerns.

I did a blog about being a birth partner, you may want to share this with yours.
Good luck 💙
stepbystepdoula.com/2017/10/09/​so-youre-going-to-be-a-birth-partner/