Hello,
Ive just discovered this wonderful forum and hoping to gain some advice from you lovely ladies. I’d really appreciate it.
I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl two years ago. Firstly, so you get a better understanding of me personally, I’m a total worrier. I have OCD and over analyse things and catastrophise even when nothing has happened. I’m always anticipating expecting the worse to happen when something really important in my life is happening and it means so much to me. I’m on anti anxiety medication (I’ve had a lot of losses in my life and was severely bullied at secondary school). As a result I haven’t got much confidence or self belief and worry about what other people think. However, I’m seeking therapy to help with these issues.
So when I fell pregnant my husband and I were over the moon. Having a baby was a dream and I could wait. But I had to stop my medication abruptly due to the pregnancy, and I really struggled throughout the whole 9 months with anxiety and bring absolutely petrified about labour and giving birth. I was in tears at most of my midwife appointments. I was told I’d be consultant led due to my anxiety but this never happened. I’d mention it every time but the midwives didn’t give me any answers about being referred. I just got on with it but it was really hard.
When I went into labour I was scarec and panicky and was at the hospital back and forth a few times but sent home. My experience of this was that I was so frightened and felt so out of control and didn’t feel like the midwives understood as they didn’t know my background. I hadn’t got a birthing plan in place, I knew I just wanted a pool birth.
As things progressed I was taken to the delivery suite and our room had a pool! My husband turned to me and said “we shall be ok, our midwife seems lovely, we can do this”. I used gas and air, breathing and visualisation techniques,and I felt in control. I was 10cm dilated now and a second midwife came in to assist with the delivery. Things had come to a standstill and I was taken out of the pool.
And that’s where things went downhill. As soon as I stood up I was in excruciating pain. When I’d been at home I’d just lay down in the bath as the water really helped, and as soon as I got into the birthing pool it was a relief too. Now the contractions were horrendous, right up my bottom and in my lower back. I was told to lie down on the couch and I screamed out saying I couldn’t, but I was told to push so I did with all my might. The midwives exclaimed that they could see our baby’s head and that spurred me on even more. This went on for ages. Eventually something in me snapped and I started swearing and asking why she wasn’t here. I felt horrendous and kept saying that I felt traumatised. I suppose this was the gas and air and exhaustion talking but I remember feeling a sense of impending doom. I couldn’t explain how I was feeling so it just came out as “I feel traumatised”. I felt trapped in a tunnel and I couldn’t see the light. I was in so much pain and I had no idea if my baby was ok or when I’d see her. Our midwife said the next step was a drip with drugs to make the contractions stronger. I flatly refused and said they needed to get the baby out. I was so unbelievably exhausted, upset and angry. The midwife who had joined us later said “why are you feeling like this? Is it because labour isn’t what you thought it was going to be?” Looking back now this was such an insensitive thing to say. I feel like she thought I was over reacting. I’d never had a baby before but I knew something wasn’t right, I knew my body. After a while the midwives said they thought the baby was OP position so they requested that I was checked out by a Registrar. I had to push so she could see what was happening during my contractions. This was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. When you’re going through so much pain and you have no choice but to grit your teeth and go through it, it was so challenging. She got really cross with me and told me to be quiet and listen to her. I didn’t feel she was supportive at all, I just felt like I was doing it all wrong and everyone was angry at me. She decided that I’d need to go to theatre. If they couldn’t get the baby out using the ventouse method then I’d need a C-section.
As I was being wheeled down I was in so much pain I begged the midwife next to me to give me more gas and air. She snapped at me and said “You can’t have anymore Rebecca”, like I’d said something wrong. Eventually our baby was born in theatre via vontouse. I felt in a daze and really I’ll, but we were sent home later that evening.
I couldn’t breastfeed as my baby wouldn’t latch and I felt like such a failure. I also developed an infection in my episiotomy scar and fell very ill. My anxiety soared and I had what felt like a breakdown. I was depressed for about three months even though I was back on my medication.
When I look back, I feel traumatised and totally at a loss and out of control of how the situation went and was dealt with. I’d now love to have another child and give our daughter a sibling but I’m so scared and my husband is really not in the same place as me after what happened. What if the pregnancy is just as scary, what if the labour and birth is the same and I don’t get the support I need mentally and emotionally like before? I’ve been so affected by the ordeal I’ve needed to increase the strength of my antidepressants and in turn I struggled to bond with my baby. I now adore being a mum, I wouldn’t change it for the world. But the experience has scarred me.
Could anyone help? Do I see the GP in the New Year and discuss my options? Do I contact my health visitor? Do I try a birthing centre or am I in the catagory to request a c-section? Any advice or experienced would be much appreciated. Thank you so much.