Elcs.. Would I be a failure

[CinnamonAndSpice]

I can't help but feel I would.
My last pregnancy was 12 yrs ago, nothing so traumatic that it's stayed with me
6cm at home without realising. Got to hospital, freaked out, tried gas and air. Made me throw up.
Epidural, which slowed it down, 24hrs later he was born.
I remember them opening the pack with scissors etc in and said, oh no you can't use them. With that, she said too late you've torn.
By what I can remember, and I don't know the proper terminology but I had a few different ones which require a fair few stitches.
After that I remember being embarrassed around family for how I had to try Nd sit down, and get up etc.

Anyway. New partner 12 yrs later, 26 weeks pregnant and thinking about the birth. And freaking
Freaking because I'm so organised that the ' not knowing when it will happen'
Freaking that if my DS and dps dd is here we'd have to sort childcare at last min ( which undoubtedly his ex will have a shit fit about as she's like that)
Freaking that if u had to stay in hospital, I wouldn't know how long for.. And staying away from home freaks me, even holidays. ( I had a 3 day stay in hospital early this yr and cried the whole time as I couldn't cope)
Freaking that my dp will see me in a state and in pain , even tho I know he wouldn't bat an eyelid and would be amazing

Freaking that I wouldn't be organised, fit whatever reason
In my heart of hearts I know that would be the best option for me BUT I feel like I'd be quitting before trying

Also if I did decide to elcs then what would people think of me, what reason would I give a story why I was having a Cs.

It's none of anybody's business. You are having a baby, the most important thing is for you to have a healthy baby. HOW you have the baby is none of anybody's business.

If you feel you need to say something, you can say there were complications, and leave it at that. Don't say anything more, and don't feel guilty for not saying anything more. You are not public property, you have the right to privacy.

OP - you don’t NEED a reason, or a justification for wanting what you want. There is no shame in it.
And NO one has a right to judge you.

The main focus here is on you feeling safe and secure and not stressed about anything - so that this baby continues to develop normally and gets born heathy.

Please - stop worrying about other people. And what they might think. Mostly - because it doesn’t matter. But also because - I don’t think they’d judge nearly as much as you think they would.

Having said all that - I am not sure whether NHS would just give you an option for an elective C-section.
It is costlier for them, so I am not sure how it works, unless you have medical indications.
Talk to your doctor, find out your options.

Good luck to you - and I hope it all works out the way you need it to.

You would not be a failure OP. It's you giving birth and you should have it in whatever way that makes you comfortable and gives you and your baby the best chance to enjoy your miracle. It's no one's business why you make this decision. You can always say you had private reasons that you don't wish to share. Like PP said, you have the right to privacy.

You wouldn't be a failure and its no ones business.

Howe Er you do relapse you are likely to be in for 3 days standardafter a c sec? That its so long without lifting or driving? Sorry,not sure of the numbers as I don't drive and my emcs meant I was in no need of liftingemcJist something to consider in terms ofhow you would cope afterwards, how long dp has for paternity leave etc.

Talk to your midwife and see whatthe options are as not everywhere will offer elcs

Hayyou looked into hypno birthing?

Thank you. In our hospital unless complications. After Cs you're out the same day.. If birth was first thing or the next.. (well that's going by lots of people know who's had them there in recent months) but in my head it's like I could plan for that time? I dunno my heads everywhere at mo

Dp has 2 week paternity. But he'd already booked the week after due date as holiday before we found out so that can get shoved either side iyswim.

Didn't think about the driving thing etc for school runs.

Arghhhh so much to think about lol and this probably isn't the time of night to be thinking lol

It really isn't. Get baby a snack and get some sleep. When you see midwife next talk to her honestly about all your anxiety and options. Things might have changed re discharge - DS is 2.5 years and whilst I was in for 3 days they offered to keep me for longer so I was close to NICU so really not that sure on what you can and can't do for how long but driving was def something that drove my mate mad. Good luck x

I've never heard of anyone being released on the day of an elcs.

NHS website says catheter in for 12 hours minimum. Average stay 3 to 4 days but can be shorter if you're both good. Up to 6 weeks on average for not driving, carrying anything heavier than the baby, exercising or sex

ELCS isn't a failure, but you do have to have a clinical reason to be offered one, which your obstetric history does not provide. You would have to persuade the consultant that your mental health would not cope with a natural birth.

Most people tear (there is also a school of thought which says if you tear it's easier to heal than an episiotomy).

I had ELCS for dc1 for macrosomia. I was in hospital for five days and my body went into shock, leaving me physically shaking for about eight hours after the birth. I wasn't allowed to drive for 6 weeks. Because I delivered dc2 vaginally (spent 12 hours on drip to try to speed up contractions as he was back to back and they stalled, had failed internal rotation, and eventually managed to squeeze him out while they prepping theatre for EMCS, and then had to spend 5 days in hospital as my undercarriage was trashed. I was told no clinical reason for CS for dc3 so had to have vbac2.

As you have a few months, I think you would be better off getting some counselling to help you deal with your anxieties, rather than put your body through an unnecessary surgery. Not because it would be a failure, but because there isn't a clinical reason UNLESS counselling fails to deal with your anxiety. It's probably better to fix the real problem (your mental health) if you can. Childbirth is inherently impossible to plan - but major abdominal surgery is by no means an easy option. The fundal pressure to pop the baby out made me throw up (apparently quite common) and that combined with the uncontrollable shaking was physically hard. Having your body numb below your arms is completely weird - you feel like you have someone else's legs - they just don't belong to you, and your partner has to do all the 'first' baby things without you as you are post-op. It was nice for dh to do all the baby stuff while I couldn't move, but it was kinda weird.
I guess your 12yo could be put to work as a helper for a few weeks, but I relied heavily upon having dh there as it was impossible to lift the baby. Fortunately the mum's came to stay for a few weeks until I could drive again (you actually don't realise why driving is an issue until you have to do an emergency stop ) The CS 'apron' can be a shock to some people, and it's weird having literally no sensation around the scar for years.
So ultimately, no, you wouldn't be a failure. But try to deal with your anxiety first, because a c-section is not an 'easy' option.

I had an elcs 4 weeks ago. I think it is completely your right to decide

However, I'm shocked anyone would be discharged same day. Here in Australia I had to stay 36 hours. I could not make it out of bed without assistance for at least 24 hours, let alone walk to the car! Don't underestimate how knocked about you will feel afterwards. I really needed to be in hospital being properly looked after and on the strong painkillers!

Yup, same day discharge is ambitious! When DS was born (18:30 on a sunday) the cannulas and catheter were in til the next morning and once taken out a gobble about the ward was possible. By 3pm they asked me whether I️ wanted to go home or not that day. We needed up staying as DS was poorly (left finally on the friday night), but even with a smooth c section experience it would have been 21hrs before discharge. Assuming a 9am operation (and that’s a big assumption), that would mean an overnight stay.

Had a section a week ago today. I was discharged after 24 hours. I was able to pick up my toddler yesterday (although just for cuddles - would still struggle to bend and twist whilst holding her). Doctors say 6 weeks until driving again but sooner is possible.

The past week has been difficult in terms of enforced rest, not being able to do things around the house and looking after baby whilst in pain. However, a week later, I feel more comfortable and recovering well.

OP - no-one will judge you for choosing a section if that's what reassures you. Do what's right for you and your family.

Are you sure it’s the same day? Mine really pushed enhanced recovery but even then it’s 24 hours and plenty of people stay longer. Also you/the baby may need to stay longer and you can’t plan for that. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a c section (my elcs was great) but all childbirth is unpredictable.

After 2 C sections there is no way I could have been discharged same day. My second one was uncomplicated and I went home on day 3 and that was pushing it. I was in too much pain before then.

I would also make sure you have childcare on standby. I went into labour before both of my planned sections and and ended up with EMCS.

I think you'll likely have a bit of a struggle on your hands finding a consultant who will agree to an elective c section when you don't have any medical reason to have one.

I had a friend who simply wanted a c section, no real reason, just wanted one. It took her months and months and months, countless interviews and appointments, going back and forth between doctors, consultants and midwives before she was finally allowed one. It's not often they'll just go 'yeah okay sure, no problem!'

Also, you're far more likely to have an extended stay in hospital following a c section. I was in for four and a half days after mine. I'm opting for an elective in a few weeks and have no doubts I'll be in for at least 2 days. I've known people who've delivered vaginally in the morning and been out and home later that same evening.

That being said. A c section won't make you a failure, but I don't think it's the right route for you.

My hospital wanted me out within 48 hours of an EMCS. I refused to go.

I felt the same OP, so anxious about the birth (this was my first/only though) had very similar worries as you (apart from childcare) I'm a planner! The unknown terrified me. Incidentally having a CS was my worst fear.
I spoke to the MH midwife specialist regarding my anxiety and did the hypnobirthing course with did help to reduce my stress during the rest of the pregnancy.
However, I ended up having a C Section after a failed induction. It went very well for me (I know others are not so smooth). I felt a little guilt but overwhelming I felt relief.
You certainly would not be a failure, the delivery is a means to an end and as someone once told me, you do not get a medal at the end so push for the birth you think is best for you.
Discuss your options with your midwife and go from there.
If I was to get pregnant again, I would opt for a ELCS on the grounds on my MH, if I was allowed.

You would not be a failure, you would be a mother

But, as others have said, it wouldn't answer many of the problems you are listing
You would have a date but it is normally at 39 weeks and there is every possibility of going into labour before then, in which case you get an emergency lscs. Once the doctors are sure it is labour. They won't do it because you come in with strong braxton hicks. Or your lscs date might be brought forward very suddenly because of medical concerns about you or baby. Or you might attend for your lscs at the planned date and time and find its been bumped to the next day/after the weekend due to overbooking, sudden stream of emergencies, obstetric theatre flooded (OK that one only happened once, the rest happen all the time). Basically regardless of planned date of delivery you would still need childcare plans in place.

You might be discharged after 24hrs if you and baby are both well. Or it might be two or three days or longer if either of you are unwell ( poor recovery from surgery, heavier than expected blood loss, baby slow to feed).

If you feel that elective lscs is best for you that's fine but you can't go to an NHS consultant and say it will help you be more organised. Because it cannot. You can ask for one for mental health, for previous traumatic delivery (you are the only person who knows how it affected you) or just because having looked at all the information you feel it would be best for you. That's fine, but you need to show you understand the risks and benefits.

The only person I have cared for at my trust who was denied an elective lscs asked for one because she had childcare problems.

I had elective cs on very firm guidance of two gynaecologists after bad episiotomy first time round. Don’t think anyone could or should assume you won’t get one just for that. In the end I had placenta previa too which negated all my guilt (life or death) but they had clinically advised cs by that stage anyway. So ask.

I think there must be some confusion - ELCS is NOT day surgery. In some cases you might be discharged the next day but the stay is usually 2 nights. There is not a hospital in the land that would allow you home of the day of a CS.

Agree that same day discharge for CS is unheard of. For safety reasons I don’t even think it’s possible to release someone the day of major abdominal surgery. I didn’t even have my catheter out until the next morning.

"ELCS isn't a failure, but you do have to have a clinical reason to be offered one, which your obstetric history does not provide. You would have to persuade the consultant that your mental health would not cope with a natural birth."

• Read the Nice guidelines, choice.

You clearly have anxiety around this = which would be a reason to choose ELCS.

Personally I won't be having children in any other way than ELCS and I am quite clear on that. It is not being a failure, it is a decision based on a number of complex circumstances.

If it is going to ruin your pregnancy worrying, you need to push for this now.

"That being said. A c section won't make you a failure, but I don't think it's the right route for you."

_> How would you know the extent of OPs situation. Judgemental to make sweeping statements.

You would not be a failure for having an elcs. Don't Think that for one second. But do think if it is what you want. Having a baby 12 years a go to now is different. It changed I the 18 months between my two. As hard as it is relax enjoy this part of the pregnancy and talk about your worries to your partner. Sort care out before hand. My partners mum came sit with out eldest why we went in and met my mum. I also felt a bit panicky with second as was high risk bit also 1st I was 8cm when I got hospital very quick 2nd I got there I was fully dilated in an hour and half and got refused check cause my face wasn't showing pain -_- . As for the drugs that's up to you how you feel. Was your partner husband there last time? Or someone supportive? Maybe you'll feel more relaxed with your partner now when it comes to the Labour.

I can't see how ELCS could be same day surgery - it is major abdominal surgery and the aftercare (including the fact that you have the catheter in for 12 hours) means you have to be monitored. Also you need to have had a bowel movement before you can go home - which isn't something you can 'organise' in advance! The recovery is not straightforward either.

I've had two c-sections, the first was a crash section with complications so had 10 days in hospital but the second was an ELCS and I was in for 3 days. Also you are advised to pick up nothing heavier than a kettle for a few weeks (tricky with a new baby- you may feel you can but it can cause internal damage), no driving for 6 weeks (you need to check with your insurance company - I got a doctors certificate after 5 weeks but that is a long time to rely on other people & the cabin fever and lack of independence was really frustrating).

Plus you to make sure someone else is willing to do everything around the house and with other children and have someone there to pass you the baby to bf etc. You need time to recover and if you race into stuff - with another child or around the house then you can do yourself long term damage. Worse than being embarrassed because you can't sit down IMO!

Also all this freaking!? Having a baby is not something you can schedule or control - you've done it before you must know that. It appears that you have a disproportionate level of anxiety - have you mentioned this to the doctor or your midwife? With three months to go you'll be mentally exhausted by it & that should be enough time to get some counselling.

I wish I had known about this thing:

www.newscientist.com/article/2075768-boost-c-section-babies-by-giving-them-vaginal-bacteria/m25

But other than that go for it - but don't have unrealistic expectations or think it is the easy option, or do it because you like to be organised!