Can midwives really be mean?

[FGSholdthedoor]

Sorry if title is a bit strange.

I'm currently pg with DC2, DC1 was an extremely quick labour - we got to the hospital and I was ready to push so I didn't actually experience the whole labour on the ward, just the pushing stage.

I've recently spoken to a few mums and also read a bit about bad experiences when it comes to midwives and the general way they treat and talk to labouring patients.
Also I've heard a lot about women in labour not being listened to - a friend told me a lady in bed next to hers kept telling the midwife she wanted to push and was ready and if she (the midwife) could check but kept being fobbed off and told she wasn't - another midwife came in and it turned out the lady was crowning!
Another one where the midwife was trying to get a patient to take some pills - the patient repeatedly refused as she said they made her feel light headed and not in control of what she was doing and she wanted to be aware of everything as she laboured, the midwife proceeded to push the cup with the pills right towards the patients lips, the patients swore at her and pushed her away. Other midwife came in and told sent first midwife home as apparently it wasn't the first patient she upset that day...

Also heard lots of stuff about snide comments, wired doctors, patients not being allowed to birth in any other position apart from on their backs despite there being no risk associated with anything and being refused pain relief other than gas and air/pain relief being deliberately discouraged and/or delayed etc.

I don't know how common that is, if I'm just being hormonal and silly and I know people always talk about the bad more but I'm a bit worried about being in a vulnerable position and potentially not having the right people with me. I'm not great at asserting myself either.

I guess I just wanted to ask for people's experiences?
How have you found your birth experience?

The midwives I saw during labour were fine. The postnatal ward was just hell though.

This makes me so sad to read. I can't imagine making any of the women I care for feel like that. How truly horrid.

I had a long, long labour just before Christmas, very traumatic. Had seven midwives in total and only one was bad out of those seven. And she wasn't mean, as such, just patronising, and apologised when I told her to stop - fortunately we only had her for about an hour.

DH's ex-wife, however, was told that her labour pains were 'her punishment from God for being a woman', among other awful things!

My only concern is I'm quite young.
I am very mature for my age and have been told this multiple times as people get to know me however people generally assume things when they don't know me well.

The community midwife that assists my main/head midwife makes me
Ive seen her through both my pregnancies she's in her mid/late 40s and always has some comment to make - I.e. First ever midwife appt she got stressed and snappy and patronising because I didn't bring a wee sample....no one told me to bring anything when I asked them as I set the appointment, I didn't even have a bottle or anything to bring it in. Now (nearly 3 years on) she still mentions with a sing song voice "oh you're getting good at these samples aren't you, you were a bit forgetful with your first" everytime I hand one over. She also does a lot of eye rolling and fake smiles, I'm just grateful she won't be there when I'm delivering.

3hospital births. 3 lovely teams of midwives. I must have been one of the lucky ones.

DH's ex-wife, however, was told that her labour pains were 'her punishment from God for being a woman', among other awful things!

Holy crap! How are some of these people allowed to work with women at such vulnerable times?

Mine were all great. In the main hospital it was mental and they were stretched so thinly didn't feel like had constituency until last two nights and day when had two particularly brilliant midwives who took time to listen and helped support combo feeding. (Twins)
We transferred back to local birth unit which is small and that was amazing.. only a few of us there so almost 1:1 care

PonderLand -that is so true, you're usually totally vulnerable and probably incapacitated, so it's so hard to be assertive. I had a really bad experience, so this time I'm getting a private midwife to come with me to the hospital. Pricey, but desperate times call for desperate measures. The best advice I can give is make sure your birth partner is vocal and assertive for you - and knows you and what you want. I think midwives rarely listen, they just presume you're being hysterical. Ugh!!

Had brilliant midwives on the labour ward and birthing suite with DD1. So kind even when I was swearing blue murder as had been in labour 33 hours, asked for an epidural and had to wait 8 hours for it. In fact first midwife came in to meet my daughter when she came back on shift and all others to say congratulations.
We complained about the epidural and post natal care issues and at the end of it we praised all the staff and singled out the fantastic midwife who’d been with us the most and said she had made the experience for us a whole lot better and sung her praises as wanted the hospital to know it was their policies that were awful, not the lovely staff.
Community midwives are a diff matter, had one brilliant one, the rest mediocre and one awful. I’m 25 weeks pregnant and the community midwives are worse this time round, however senior midwifes and consultants have been great.
Fingers crossed you get someone lovely!

The community midwifes were lovely, the ones in the midwife led birthing unit were absolutely cows.

I will never forgive them for what they put me through - I went in to the MLBU when my contractions were very close together (when I was there they were a minute apart) they examined me and said I was only 1cm dilated and it would be ages (24 hours + as first baby) for anything happened and to go home and sleep. Long story short, baby born six hours later at home. Just me and DP, no pain relief, no help.

If we ever decided to have another - Home birth all the way.

I've had two hospital births, one long and drawn out with a bit of intervention. The other very straightforward. 2 different hospitals. The midwives were incredible both times, kind, encouraging, explained what was going on. Amazing experience even in the tough bits.

I had brilliant midwives for both births, however there was one bank midwife who refused to pass me DS to feed him during the night (I'd had a CS and really struggling to get up off the bed and pick him up). She was permanent staff when I had DD but luckily she wasn't looking after me.

I had a tricky birth with DD, 5 day early labour (no sleep), and 36 hour full labour. Allergic to epidural, DD and I went into shock, Category 1 c-section - and every midwife I met was proficient and businesslike - I didn’t have to repeat myself, or chase-up on anything, as they switched shifts they were well-briefed and there was no onus on me to do anything other than give birth.

They weren’t ‘warm’ per se, but they kept DD and me alive, they were there when I needed them, did what I needed them to do. I am forever grateful.

I've only had one mean midwife throughout three pregnancies. That was in labour with DC1 though and it really marred how I felt about that birth.

I think whichever poster said it's problematic because it is at a time when you are incredibly vulnerable and can't necessarily advocate for yourself was absolutely right.

I am in my thirties and the way the particular 'mean' MW spoke to me I felt like I was a five year old back at school and had wet myself: 'you silly girl' 'someone's making a big fuss' 'why don't you cover yourself up?'.

I'm normally relatively assertive when seeing HCPs and accustomed to being spoken to as an intelligent grown-up and I was totally unprepared for being spoken to like that. It made me acutely aware of how elderly people or those with mental health concerns, even those who just have less privilege than I do, must sometimes (hopefully not often ) be treated. I was in transition and then shell shocked so couldn't defend myself, I wish I'd complained later but similarly felt like I was lucky to have had an 'easy' delivery and a healthy baby.

As balance all the other MWs I've come across (scores) were at the very least overstretched but professional and definitely not unkind. Some of them were absolutely exceptional. Given your fast first birth I'd consider a homebirth too. Mine (DC2) was incredible!

I’ve had three babies, all EMCS. With DS1 they were supportive but he took forever and I saw a lot of them!
DS2 was a trial of labour and I’d been labouring fruitlessly for 12 hours when I asked for a section. She wasn’t very nice to me after that. It ended up as a proper emergency rather than just failure to progress. My community midwife told me DS2 was cold when I’d got him home as he had blue feet. The next day he was blue lighted to a hospital across the country as he had an undiagnosed heart defect. He very nearly died. He’s now 7, but I will never forgive her for just thinking he was cold.
I had a brilliant student midwife who sat with me for hours to support me with breastfeeding.
I also had some great ones when I was in for monitoring - I had pre-eclampsia with all three.

I had one, it was awful. I had to have therapy for the way she made me feel so insignificant.
It's very sad.

Mine were all lovely.

Health visitors, though ...

How could she do that @loveisenough did she just walk off?

To the poster that mentioned post natal wards - that was a killer for me. Information flow was pretty much non existent. I had to stay an extra night just because of lack of communication between staff.
I understand they might have been stretched thinly but I'd get told "ok you'll be getting discharged around lunchtime as soon as you get your jab" (can't remember what jab it was). Cue nearly 6hours later with no one in sight us with packed up bags, baby ready to go in car seat etc - kept being fobbed off, finally got told doctor was doing rounds and it would be around another hour or a bit longer, I was so exhausted at this point I politely said to the midwife I would like to discharge myself. She said no problem to give her a min and she'll get paperwork. All of a sudden everyone that needed to see me magically appeared within 5 mins!

In labour I heard the midwife say (behind a curtain) she’s pushing but there’s no point, she’ll wear herself out and need a section. Dr came through to tell me I needed a section and delivered ds. She apologised and said it was a mistake. That was fine, I was being looked after, she never left. It didn’t even stress me out because I knew for certain stuff was pushing him out.
On the ward, however, I was mistaken for a teen single Mum (ha bloody ha) and was spoken to badly. I also didn’t have any checks, none at all for 36 hours. And I had no idea I was supposed to check I was ok for a shower. BUT that’s cause I was totally fine. 2 women who had sections were cared for and 1 women who was really upset had care.
But definitely have someone with you who knows you well and doesn’t mind a withering look.

Now let me see.

Pg 1 lost baby at 17 weeks "did you want It"

Pg 2, 36.3. Laboured for some hours on an open ward with children and families visiting. Midwife examined me behind a curtain " Ha Ha, where's your cervix, ha ha it's not dilated ha ha what will you be like in proper Labour.
Eventually got to Labour room and CD relax. Had epidural and midwife poo poo'd that I might be ready to push. Heart beat kept dropping and she kept saying it was a faulty belt. DH put his foot down and insisted a Dr came. Enter senior midwife. All he'll broke loose. Baby was back to back cord wrapped round neck and compressed. Enter emergency team. Funny how the senior reg took immediate control. D'S took a long time to resuscitate.

Community midwives at home: five in 10 days. One excellent one Good, one vile, one incompetent, one couldn't be arsed. Upshot = mastitis, allowed to develop. The vile One, the first didn't wait to be invited in. Asked when I'd have sex, how many pelvic floor exercises I was doing and then held her right arm up with her left hand and said in a creolean accent "well you do the exercises or your man will say sex feels like this and waggle her right hand back and forth.

Ds2, pg 4. At booking apt midwife went on and on about bf and then asked "has it got the same father as your son?" It felt v rude not least because ds2 died at 27 weeks. Care from 20 weeks high risk and consultant led. Excellent.

Dd: ah well an old hand . Robust birth plan, everything reiterated in notes. Consultant led care. So much better.

With DS1, midwife refused to let me have any pain relief, repeatedly lying saying the pain relief was on it's way whilst winking and smiling at my mum (I couldn't see this, I was told afterwards). DS weighed 10lbs and midwife laughed and said 'you won't be doing this again, will you?' as I was a younger mum.
DD: no beds, no staff so was sent home until I couldn't wait any longer, I was in active labour. Gave birth by myself as staff were too busy and obviously no pain relief again.
Third baby= pain relief was 'unavailable' again, what a surprise. Baby was very large and back-to-back and stuck. Cue 2 midwives, 1 student doctor and one student midwife exchanging worried glances in between putting their hands inside me to guide where to 'push', I believe there were no forceps or ventouse available and I genuinely thought things wouldn't end well if I didn't somehow manage by myself.
No midwives to be seen on the maternity ward which suited me just fine only the afterpains were agony and there was no one to ask for any tablets. Could technically have been discharged after 3 hours but had to wait another day for them to turn up and sign the paperwork during which I kept having to repeat myself over and over again. Ended up bursting into tears because I just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

The first one I had with dc1 was awfuL, wasn't interest and just wanted rid of me. The midwife who took over when they changed shifts and helped me deliver a back to back baby less than 3 hrs later with no pain relief made up for her. Dc2's midwife was fantastic as well but I will never forget they way the first one treat me or the pain I endured because she couldnt be arsed to do her job. She had the cheek to wake me up at 2am and try and apologise, probably worried I was going to complain about her, I probably should have.

I was sent home in a taxi mid labour 3 times because she didn't realise I was back to back and 'nothing was happening up front' so I wasn't in labour, ' go home and take some paracetamol, this is the part of labour no one tells you about' 5 hrs before I gave birth to a back to back baby.

I see a theme on this thread regarding back to back babies. Are midwives not fully trained on this or do they not see many.?

My midwife that helped me give birth was fucking awesome. I still feel like I didn't thank her enough for her help. I was a shocking patient. She was brilliant.