Can midwives really be mean?

[FGSholdthedoor]

Sorry if title is a bit strange.

I'm currently pg with DC2, DC1 was an extremely quick labour - we got to the hospital and I was ready to push so I didn't actually experience the whole labour on the ward, just the pushing stage.

I've recently spoken to a few mums and also read a bit about bad experiences when it comes to midwives and the general way they treat and talk to labouring patients.
Also I've heard a lot about women in labour not being listened to - a friend told me a lady in bed next to hers kept telling the midwife she wanted to push and was ready and if she (the midwife) could check but kept being fobbed off and told she wasn't - another midwife came in and it turned out the lady was crowning!
Another one where the midwife was trying to get a patient to take some pills - the patient repeatedly refused as she said they made her feel light headed and not in control of what she was doing and she wanted to be aware of everything as she laboured, the midwife proceeded to push the cup with the pills right towards the patients lips, the patients swore at her and pushed her away. Other midwife came in and told sent first midwife home as apparently it wasn't the first patient she upset that day...

Also heard lots of stuff about snide comments, wired doctors, patients not being allowed to birth in any other position apart from on their backs despite there being no risk associated with anything and being refused pain relief other than gas and air/pain relief being deliberately discouraged and/or delayed etc.

I don't know how common that is, if I'm just being hormonal and silly and I know people always talk about the bad more but I'm a bit worried about being in a vulnerable position and potentially not having the right people with me. I'm not great at asserting myself either.

I guess I just wanted to ask for people's experiences?
How have you found your birth experience?

[FieldsOfWheat]

Some are just not very nice to start with and if they feel they can get away with treating patients badly, they do. I used to work in an obstetric ward and there was one mw in particular who enjoyed bullying labouring women.

My friend's ex was really controlling and abusive and left him pretty much suicidal and a shell of himself after 4 years. She wanted to train to be a midwife (she's a primary teacher now...)

The girl who bullied me at school is now a nursery nurse

I do think there is something in controlling/bullying people working in caring professions - where they have total control and dictatorship over vulnerable people.

Obviously a lot of lovely and genuinely caring people work in those jobs too.

[BertramTheWalrus]

Why do they do the job if they cannot show a shred of compassion?

Many definitely get worn down by the daily grind of the job. Being a mw is tough and it's an undervalued job ime. Some are just not very nice to start with and if they feel they can get away with treating patients badly, they do. I used to work in an obstetric ward and there was one mw in particular who enjoyed bullying labouring women. She was a nasty piece of work and must have left a number of women traumatised. Nothing was ever done about it though, despite numerous complaints.
Most were lovely though and really cared about giving women the care they themselves would have wanted.

[NikiBabe]

No personal experience but I watch documentaries and this one stood out to me. In particular that bleach blonde midwife needs to retire. Look how she treats a woman in the opening 10 minutes and then the other midwife openly admits on camera to bullying her a bit.

The later on the lady with a hip problem with additional pain from it, the bleach blonde midwife bites her head off and tells her to get into another position.

Why do they do the job if they cannot show a shred of compassion?

[silkpyjamasallday]

I only went in towards the end of my labour, so basically only the pushing stage. My midwives were absolutely fantastic, I had said on my birth plan I wanted low intervention and for them to just let me get on with it all being well. They only spoke to me to tell me to pant and that DD had a good head of hair! They were talking DP through everything which he was relaying back to me. They let me kneel up on the bed in the position I wanted and adjusted it so it was perfect for me to lean on and tolerated my swearing for 3 hours. I couldn't fault them on anything (although they did let my parents and brother come in when I was totally naked legs akimbo and covered in blood which I'm sure my brother would rather not have seen) , I wish I could have thanked them properly but I was totally off my face on gas and air.

On the ward was a different matter and I was ignored all night, no one told me there was a room with tea and toast and fruit, and I hadn't had anything to eat for almost 24 hours, they seemed to be rushing to the other women on the ward who were pushing the buzzers for every tiny mewl their babies made (My bed was directly under the buzzer noise bit so I got pretty ratty as I couldn't sleep) , no one helped me with breastfeeding and insisted when dd wouldn't latch as she was so sleepy that I hand express into a syringe so they could feed her. Didn't show me where I could change her so I was carrying tiny DD with the change bag and doing it on the toilet floor in a haze, that makes me pretty angry now I think back as they could see me carrying her back and forth all night. I discharged myself as I wasn't going to spend another 12 hours being ignored, and the head midwife was really really nasty about it, it was only bringing my mum in for back up that sorted it.

[MistyMinge]

The majority of midwives I came across were lovely, but there is one that I remember for being unsympathetic. I was in labour for a long time with DC1, hooked up to syntocin so contractions coming very fast and very strong, epidural not that effective. Ended up with a cesarean. By the time I got to the postnatal ward I felt like I'd been hit by a bus and was utterly exhausted. I remember breaking down in tears the next morning, a midwife asked me what was wrong and I explained I felt utterly exhausted and just wanted some sleep as I hadn't really slept in the night, it had been a restless night on a noisy ward. She grimaced at me and replied briskly 'well that's a lie, I saw you asleep from the office window'. Ummmm ok then, maybe I had managed to shut my eyes for 10mins out of the last 72 hours . I felt even shitter after that.

[YouCantArgueWithStupid]

I went through 4 when i was in labour with DC1. 3 were AMAZING. One though (the second) if I saw her today I’d rip her apart with my bare hands nearly 3 years on

[Ohwell14]

My midwife was great for me, really shop. Until my body was telling me to push so undid, she then screamed at me not too and told me ideas going to hurt the baby
Not a great thing to hear when your already terrified. After 15 minutes of repeatedly telling me this because I could not stop pushing she suddenly ran over and said, oh it looks like yours ready to push

[BexleyRae]

I had a lovely midwife, after I had given birth and she was tidying up in the room i gave birth in, DD on my boob, I said to her thankyou and she said "what for?" Like it was an unusual occurrence to be thanked for her amazing job

[Needadvicetoleave]

Yep, some are fucking dick heads. Some are lovely. Bit like all people really. Unfortunately I got the dick heads when I needed lovely and lovely when I didn't matter.

[yolkybokey]

I think it depends on the general culture of the hospital - how well they deal with patient feedback, etc

When I gave birth in the summer all the staff I came in contact with in my local hospital were amazing - and I was also asked for my opinion on the care I received to feedback to the relevant staff.

The midwives went above and beyond to support me and DH through a traumatic birth and baby being taken to SCUBU

[Bearsinmotion]

Variation is huge ime. Hospital midwives when DD was born were lovely. Substitute community midwife who spoke to DP rather than me and refused to examine my stitches, missing an infection, was a bitch. Hospital midwife for DS just wasn’t very nice. Follow up midwife who left me in the shower room without my wheelchair was just a bit dim. Takes all sorts I guess.

[Makesmilingyourbesthobby]

Lovely MW's during pregnancy, labour & antinatal ward on both my second & third babies,
But having my first was a totally different story espes the MW I had for the first 5 hours of labour she was just awful, my mother even felt she had to pull her aside & have a word as all she kept doing was upsetting me & making me worry & not answering any of my queries, plus hurt me more doing a internal than the pain I had actually delivering my baby, she put me off them so much I refused to have them on my second & would of refused them on my third if it had not been that I'd had a difficult pregnancy SPD, bleeds & under consultant care so I wanted to know baby was OK that I allowed MW to do internals & found that no they don't normally hurt more than labour itself, was so glad when her shift ended & I had a wondetful MW to help me deliver my first baby

[ApollO88]

The midwives when I had my DS were great. I was asked if I would allow the trainee midwife to assist. I said yes. In the end I ended up grabbing her hand and did not let go! To the point where bless her heart she did not leave my side! She ate her sandwich with the other hand and then wrote notes whilst I was labouring as I would not let her have her hand back to leave! Lovely lass. In the confused fog I did not remember her name but went back with a card to find her a week after ds had arrived

[Notreallyarsed]

MW who delivered DS1 was lovely, really supportive and encouraging. The student was a bit stunned, it was her first birth she’s now married to my cousin and still can’t look me in the face

Team who delivered DD (undiagnosed breech halfway out when I got to the ward) were incredible, and just so lovely afterwards too when I went into shock and was a bit of a mess.

MW dealing with DS2’s labour was a bitch, she moaned and whinged all the way through saying that I’d days to go yet (I was ready to push) and I wasn’t helping myself by telling her he was coming. Thankfully the student had her gloves on or DS2 would have hit the floor! MW then turned to DP and told him to leave (this is within 10 minutes of birth) and left me in the sheets I’d delivered in and stalked off to resume roaring with laughter about her night out the previous night and how hungover she was. She was formally disciplined when I complained.

[BernardBlacksHangover]

I have only given birth once, but had about a million different midwives, (it felt like). They were all lovely iirc. Don't remember any mean ones at all and haven't actually heard anyone say anything negative irl either, EXCEPT postnatally. Postnatal care was shit when I was in hospital and most of my friends who have given birth in hospital have said the same thing. None of the mws were mean then either though, just too busy / understaffed to be helpful.

[Dinosauratemydaffodils]

Yes. I hope there is a special place in hell for the midwife who told me after a traumatic emcs following a long labour with newborn in NICU that all this could have been avoided if I'd just dealt emotionally with being raped in the first place. Who knew that therapy not only would have fixed my issues but would have made my pelvis miraculously open in labour.

They also come in lovely flavours. It's just really hit and miss in my experience.

[Reema2017]

Hi,
Actually , when I enter the labour ward the first midwife was so kind and stay only one hour with me then another midwife come and she was so rude and tough I really felt pain when she did an internal examination and if I asked her anything she answer with a rude manner after two hours I asked a doctor if it's possible to change this midwife and he was so kind with me and let another one to come .

[HamSandWitches]

I've had 2 and both times they didn't know. With DC 3 I realised as DC1 was and told her when they tried to send me home again as nothing was happening up front. I also know another person who was repetedly sent home and delivered in the house with her first. Just seems reading threads on here it's quite commom. I was begging her to help telling her my back it feels wrong clearly in agony, surely they would think this could be a back to back. I was 3 hrs off giving birth and nothing was happening up front.

[RaindropsAndSparkles]

But Littlemiss Don't they have the experience to combine feel with a woman's pain levels and where that pain is. For example I had what we like continuous contra ruins with pain radiating throughout mye pelvic region. Would it be an idea to have a little check with hand held scanner to give women more realistic choices and information about pain relief/Caesars.

[littlemissalwaystired]

Midwives are trained on back to back babies and they're really quite common. However, in labour they are often the most difficult position to feel whilst contractions are happening as there is no defined back to feel, unlike when the baby is the other way round.

[SandSnakeofDorne]

@ponderland, she'd come in until someone could cover her even though she didn't have to. I'd rather have had a slightly brusque midwife than no one to check me out at all! She wasn't mean or anything.

[MomToWedThorFriday]

IME 75% of midwives were utterly amazing. For 3 out of my 4 births I couldn’t have asked for kinder, more encouraging women to help me. Unfortunately for my third I was surrounded by nasty, cruel witches. They refused to listen to me, left me in terrible pain (alone) and treated me like shit. I ended up nearly having an emergency section once they finally arranged a registrar to examine me who scanned and realised DS head was oblique - so he wasn’t coming out at all despite being fully dilated and contracting. It was horrendous.
My overriding feeling of births is amazing support though, my last birth in particular the midwife went above and beyond to support me after I told her what had happened before - including coming in to personally deliver my daughter despite not being on call.

[Orangebird69]

My midwife that helped me give birth was fucking awesome. I still feel like I didn't thank her enough for her help. I was a shocking patient. She was brilliant.

[HamSandWitches]

I see a theme on this thread regarding back to back babies. Are midwives not fully trained on this or do they not see many.?

[HamSandWitches]

I was sent home in a taxi mid labour 3 times because she didn't realise I was back to back and 'nothing was happening up front' so I wasn't in labour, ' go home and take some paracetamol, this is the part of labour no one tells you about' 5 hrs before I gave birth to a back to back baby.