Secondary Tokophobia

[SecondaryTokophobia]

Dh and I have a DD, almost 7, and we want another child. Pre-ttc. I've started folic acid and had a smear, just waiting for the results the next technically we can start.

I've always be very scared of childbirth, ever since I was old enough to understand it. So when I became pregnant, almost 8 years ago the first thing I did was cry.

Not long into my pregnancy my midwife said I had to come off work on sickness. The reason given was non-specific anxiety. I was feeling angry in a way I never had before.

I couldn't plan very much, I chose a cd I liked to listen to for giving birth, packed a hospital bag, and buried my head in the sand. The only thing on my birthplan was no forceps. I just told myself women have done this for years, it's natural, it will all be fine.

Well it wasn't fine. It was horrible. The pain was unbearable. The tens machine was useless for me. The gas and air wouldn't work because I was screaming instead of breathing. The birthing pool was in use so I couldn't use it. The bath had just been used so they were cleaning it for me. I never got to use even the bath because someone offered pethidine and I took it in sheer desperation and everything went blank. I was just kind of comatose between contractions and then as the next one would build I could feel it and I would come to and scream. It took me about three cycles of this to get the two worlds "help me" out of my mouth to dh. But he couldn't help. No one could. No one could give me an epidural because no one was available - after 10hours it was offered but I was told baby was coming before it would work and because of the uncontrollable convulsions I was having when the contractions came it was dangerous.

Actually giving birth hurt, well 'stung', but I expected that part to hurt. I was kind of relieved when she was here, but the pain was so real even after. I was scared to use the toilet. I was scared she would be stolen. I was scared she would die - the euphoria I felt and the love I felt for her was so scary and overwhelming I decided I didn't deserve this happiness and something will take it away from me. To an extent I still have that fear and she is just about to turn 7.

Sometimes I wonder, did I have PND? Nothing was ever diagnosed.

The recovery was horrible. Painful. I didn't tear, I grazed. That sounds better than a tear, but it was quite terrible. I would cover everything down there with a cold flannel while I used the bathroom and that helped although I felt so ashamed and undignified. After I while someone suggested salt water baths and everything started to feel less sore after that - like I was healing.

I cried so much. I was afraid every time she cried because I had to put her back on the boob and the pain that would bring. Ashamed and a failure I gave up breastfeeding 5 weeks in and things got better. I started to see my baby and I did love her before but I started liking her too.

So after that things picked up I guess. You know, highs and lows and my mental health is never far from my mind. I have to take very good care of myself.

Dh and I decided we would stop at one child. But now we have both admitted we don't want to stop our family at one. We do want another baby, but are so so scared.

Well if you have read this far, thank you. Please talk to me. Share your experiences with me - try not to scare me, try to help me.

First things first talk this through with your gp. Get as much support as you can. If you decide to get pregnancy seek a midwife ASAP and discuss your fears and make. Plan together. See a consultant and make plans you are comfortable with x i hope it works out for you x

I think second time round can be more frightening because you know what can happen but equally you go into labour more prepared mentally, physically as well, as I believe it is easier and quicker.

Make sure you talk to someone (go via gp or midwife) about your fears.

Ultimately if the will to have another baby is strong and you choose to go for it, you will cope and manage and heal. It sounds like 1st time round it was hard and a big shock but you didn't do anything wrong! good luck....every preg and birth is different.

Thank you fairy. We are in Northern Ireland. We have spoken to gp and she has referred us to a consultant, who has a year waiting list. We are joining that list and the hope is that he can talk through and debreif me on what happened that day.

Hi OP, find out if your area has a perinatal mental health team- your GP should know. You may be able to be referred to them once you are pregnant. If you don't meet their criteria, you still might be able to access specialist mental health midwives (you get the same midwife throughout your pregnancy and they specialise in women with anxiety/ depression/ tokophobia etc). There is support out there- I wish you the best of luck.

Ok. So you know that this experience was objectively horrendous? It's completely understandable that the prospect of No2 isn't filling you with comfort and ease. I think you need more than perinatal mental health - although you would benefit - you need answers from your hospital over what happenedAND you need a solid birth plan in place that means that you can be confident that you won't be treated like that again. Would you feel more comfortable (wrong word) with a c section - major surgery so can't be taken lightly - but at least you can plan.

I'm so sorry that you experienced this - to me, it sounds like you were very badly let down and lacked adequate care. You're very brave to get back on the ttc train!

Hi OP. Your birth experience sounds similar to mine. I am due number 2 in 5 weeks and my DD is only 2 (unplanned pregnancy...) I started a thread the other week called something like 'elcs after previous traumatic birth' you might find useful. I completely understand how you feel but it's good in a way you recognise this now. I sort of was in auto pilot until about 20 wks then went into a complete panic. Since then I think I have cried at every antenatal appt and my hospital referred me to the mental health team who have been great. Tomorrow I have a meeting with a registrar to discuss birth options including the possibility of a section. I am so anxious at this point and really feel that it would be a more peaceful pathway for me. I have been reassured that if I have a vaginal birth I will be offered immediate pain relief on arrival - I begged for pain relief last time and got nothing but gas and air which didn't work for the same reasons you describe. Anyway please be open with your midwives/ medical team. I have been surprised at how supportive mine have been.

Just wanted to say thank you for the posts. I really appreciate it and it is giving me lots of food for thought.