In laws visiting after birth

[Calliwalli]

I know this has probably been done a million times, but I'm 36 weeks and stressing.

My in laws are ok, we get on, but will never be the best of friends as we are so different.

After my last baby they turned up at the hospital 3 hours after I had given birth. Then they arrived at our house 10 minutes after we got back from hospital, and just sat on the sofa for 2 hours. I don't want that to happen this time. I am pretty assertive and made it clear I wasn't happy, but I don't think they cared.

How do I say that I don't want any visitors for a few days without upsetting anyone? I would really love my mum and sister to come, but don't think I can have them without the in laws. Or can I? I am just so much more comfortable with them (boobs out, waddling etc) also I have the kind of relationship with them that I can say "I have had enough, please bugger off" and they will just laugh and go.

Do I need a blanket ban on anyone or can I pick and choose who I feel comfortable with?

Sorry for waffling I'm tired

In this by I forgot to mention is that I find them visiting stressful at the best of times. They are very formal and stiff and always eye up the mess like they do t know where to sit (it's not that bad, just not perfect like theirs)

I could be without stressing about how tidy my house it just after giving birth!

I had the same question, not just for ILs but for everyone. I personally think it's unfair to single out the in-laws with whatever you choose to do but it is your choice after all.

I'm planning on advising anyone who wants to visit that they can visit on one single day and they get time slots. I say that because as much as people say you can go upstairs and sleep if you want to, maybe you don't want to, maybe you just want people to take a hint and leave when they've overstayed and not treat your baby like a game of pass the parcel.

This is where your dh comes in, he should keep visitors at bay. Let them visit in hospital if possible because you can kick them out when you've had enough.

I think it's fine for your mum and sister to visit as long as it's done discreetly, ie: no social media posts and photos.

When our son was born my partner arranged for people to visit but only before checking I was up to it. Initially no one was coming to the hospital but I then had to stay in so he organised for my mum to come and only a little bit after did he say I suppose you don't want my mum and dad to come. I said yes it's okay for them to come but he would have been okay if I said no.

Ultimately it's up to you who you want to come see you and when.

I get what you are saying but I do feel that the Dad's family do sometimes get treated as 2nd class citizens after the birth of grandchildren

Is there a reason why they can't visit the baby while Dad is looking after it and you go upstairs for a sleep or bath or whatever?

As a mother of only an adult son (22 years old but no children yet) I know that he would be very excited to show us his new baby, why shouldn't he be allowed to?

I get what you mean about them stressing you out etc but if your mum and sister comes to hospital can't his parents come just before visiting time ends or again while you are having a shower if you don't want to see them

It's not really about not wanting to see them. I just don't feel that comfortable with them around while I'm trying to bf, or just generally feeling like shit.

I know it shouldn't but them coming to visit would mean I had to change out of pjs, tidy the house, sort my hair, make sure there is biscuits in. I could just do without the stress.

It made me so anxious last time. I hated them coming over. I just want a few days to adjust before having to worry about me/the house being presentable.

Tell your DP what you need from his family and then get him to make it happen.

It is a question of how comfortable you feel around people - you obviously feel judged

Wonder why they judge you over the mess but not DH? Why are you expected to get biscuits - tell DH to tell them to bring busiuts and I'm sure he knows where the kettle is - go upstairs to breast feed - tell DH to bring the tea up ... then leave them too it

Whatever you might get told on MN, no one actually comes round with a clipboard to check you've done the right thing and fines you for Not Doing Visitors Right.

Have a and do what you need, without guilt. It takes the other party as well as you being sensitive to each other's needs for it to work.

Sorry my post was a bit ranty and frustrated and not really about you or your PIL

Perhaps get the Dad to do more around house and be in charge of hosting making cups of tea, shopping, looking after older child and tidying up around house so you just concentrate on you and baby

What I mean is he hosts his parents while you have a rest upstairs or bath or spend time on MN

And that way he hosts his family and you host yours

I certainly think it is fine for you to have a rest upstairs while they visit not rude at all

Make all visits timed to 45 mins that he has to control and co ordinate

But the dad must pull his finger out and help you

OP yanbu. Have who you want. I'm having my mum as a visitor but DPs mum can wait.

@teabagsrus I can see why people might feel upset and like the paternal GPs are pushed out. But I want my mum their because I'm going to feel like shit, in the same way I would want my mum and my DP if I had my appendix out or I had any other kind of ailment.
Mil doesn't call me up on days with a high pollen count to check it's not effected my long term respiratory illness, nor has she seen me through every tough thing that's ever happened (between the pair of them Mum and OH have) - it's not personal. But I'm picking my visitors based on who's going to look out for me whilst I feel like shit and adjust to my new job.
I'll go and see mil like normal. We are in regular contact, but immediately after birth I want supporting, I don't want to be playing host.

X post teabags I like the idea of dp hosting own parents xxx

Another one saying get your DP to organise his parents, including getting them to leave when you want them to.
Don't get worked up about not having biscuits. Or put some in your next on line shop. I can't think they will bother if you are in pjs, or have uncombed hair. Really! And if they do, their opinion doesn't matter!
Is there any chance they could be of help by entertaining your older child? Maybe if you give them something to do they will rise to the occasion.

Thanks all. BingoFlamingos that's it in a nutshell. I want people around that will help me, I don't want to be a host.

If they offered something helpful like taking dd1 out, or doing some shopping I might be more accommodating. But they honestly will just come and expect us all to sit around and provide food and drinks. It's all so formal, and the last thing I will need.

They would be horrified and think it was rude if I stayed upstairs too, so that's not really an option. If they lived closer I would prefer to go to theirs. As then I would have control over how long we stay and wouldn't have to clean up.

This happened to me with my firstborn and I've still not got over it 14 years later! I had 2 sets of in-laws as DHs parents divorced and remarried!! They all turned up at hospital within hours of me giving birth, along with DH brother and grandma, wheeled my little DD off down the corridor to the cafe in her see-thro cot and left me to limp along behind and then sit with a cup of tea trying to smile and be polite while they all crowded round the cot and all I wanted was to lie down with DD as I had just lived through the most insane experience of my life (giving birth) my stitches were killing me and I hadn't slept for days. I was too out of it and helpless to do anything about it. Then the day I got home they all turned up again and just sat there, The step MIL making comments about hating changing dirty nappies I just wanted to scream at her to get out of my house. It honestly still traumatises me to think about it! I absolutely insisted when DC2 came along I had at least 24 hours at home alone before we had any visitors so at least I could just stay in bed. And then it was only my parents who were allowed to come first not DHs.

It's your house and you can go upstairs - they are being rude not you

Can you imagine if you had an operation and they rocked up expecting to be hosted by the patient?? Having a newborn is much harder as you have to take care of them as well as recover -

What does DH make of it all?

To further what bingoflamingos said. When you go into hospital to give birth, it's Mum who is admitted as a patient and Mum who has to be discharged. Point this out to your DH and hopefully he'll realise how hard it is for you to be expected to run around after his parents.

Do we have the same MIL?? when I had my first, my partners mum step dad and nan turned up first thing in the morning after I had him the early hours, I was there looking and feeling rough, trying to breastfeed, I felt really uncomfortable!! It still pisses me off now looking back that they just didn't have the sense to leave, I had the midwife holding onto my nipple trying to help baby latch whilst they all stood around me! I was only young too.

I honestly don't blame you not wanting them turning up! Whenever mine pop round it's always "what's for tea" after I've worked a nightshift!

Although being a mum of boys I'm worried I'm going to be that annoying mil that won't get much of a look in! 🙈

You've just given birth so if you don't want people there, then they don't get to be there. End of.

My in-laws will be staying in a hotel, rather than our house (we live a 3hr drive away so they have to stay the night). No way on this earth that they are coming to the hospital, and they will be invited up after I've given birth and assessed how I feel. This will be #4 for me and I know how I'll be feeling (emotionally and physically), so I see it as taking care of myself by making these rules. Maybe it seems selfish, but it's not their baby, they have no god-given right to be there the instant the cord is cut, and I will need that space and time.

Insist on what you need.

When dogs have pups the best advise is to leave well alone as mum will be territorial and may reject them -

Why we think humans are any different I don't know!!

People don't come and gourpe when you've had a normal op - but throw in a baby and mums fair game!!

I read so many similar threads to this and often (not always) disagree with posters saying that both sets of grandparents should have exactly the same treatment re hospital visits, etc.

Often it's not about allowing the maternal GM to see the baby first, it's about a new Mum (often scared, in pain, hormonal) just wanting her Mum. I know I did. It just happens that they see the baby first because they are their for their daughter.

I totally get how this seems unfair to the ILs, but it's not just about the baby; it's about the feelings of the new Mum too.

I'm well aware that this is not always the case, but, in many situations it is