Missing out on the first week of birth.

[Stuart96]

Hello this is my first post. I need some advice. My girlfriend is currently 27 weeks pregnant. We are really organised and she is spending 2 weeks with me and my mum then 2 weeks with her mum (we can't afford a house because I'm a student and she works) at the moment things are going great. However the main argument that we keep having is that when the baby is born she wants to take the baby to her mum's for the first couple of weeks. Now she did say she wants me to go with her and stay however her family aren't a fan of me. There is a lot of tension between us. Her mum also barely has any room for my girlfriend let alone me and the baby. I wanted her to stay with me and my mum for the first week at least since the first week is so important for bonding. The other problem I'll have is college. I'll be full time and although I can take time off, my first assessments will be due in. If I'm at her mum's I won't have any of my art equipment or my computer to work on (I'm doing a HND in Art). This is causing a real problem for both of us but she isn't willing to back down. I know if I miss out on the first week of the birth I'll feel terrible. The majority of the babies things are here plus the baby has its own room here. I just don't know what to do. Any advice is appreciated.

Is travelling between houses not an option? If you're at college full time anyway your girlfriend sounds like she doesn't want to be with your DM all day, and after having a baby i don't blame her for wanting to be with her own DM not mil.

A newborn also takes up minimal space, they pretty much only need a Moses basket at that stage, a changing mat can just be put on the floor to change it and nappies etc don't take much room to store! As for their own room, baby shouldn't be in their own room until at least 6 months according to safe sleep guidelines.

I know you say that you aren't comfortable around her family due to tension, but to be honest I think you need to suck it up. Maybe your girlfriend doesn't feel comfortable to be emotional, sore, bleeding and possibly establishing breastfeeding (if that's how she wants to feed) around her MIL!

Take some time off college and get your assignments done before your baby is born, and go and stay where your girlfriend feels comfortable. Her feeling stressed and uncomfortable would be even worse for bonding with the baby and her own mental health.

Travelling is much of an option as we live hours apart I would b taking time off college to be with her and the baby.

When it comes to space her mum has already been told her house is overcrowded as my girlfriends brother lives there too. We know we can't put the baby in a room I was just stating there is plenty of space.

When it comes to her family it's not a matter of being comfortable. Her family can't stand me and want nothing to do with me. They are forever treating me like I'm dirt.

This sounds tough for you op, but unfortunately, I don't see that you have any other option. You can't force your partner to stay with your mum. If she's planning to breastfeed, she won't be able to leave the baby. Even if she's not breastfeeding she probably won't feel able to leave the baby at this stage. So, you will either have to put up with her family for a week by going to where she will be staying and staying with her. Or, you can travel hours each day to see the baby. That isn't impossible. It's only a week of your life. You can get on with your assignments ahead of time and work with your college to make it happen. You sound organised, so I think you will manage that. Colleges will usually work with students in exceptional circumstances like yours.

It would be lovely if you had your own place of course, but circumstances being as they are, you don't. That's really unfortunate, but can't be helped now.

Fwiw I can't imagine anything worse than moving in with my mil immediately after giving birth. It's a very vulnerable time for a new mother. She will most likely be in pain, bleeding heavily, trying to establish breastfeeding, (which involves a lot of sitting around with your breasts out). Even if she isn't planning to breastfeed, she will have very leaky breasts as they won't get the "we're not breastfeeding" memo iyswim!

It is a shame for you that things aren't as you would wish them, but that really is down to you not having your own place. It isn't your fault, but it does complicate matters. I honestly think, in these circumstances, her needs have to trump yours.

On a side note, re her family; you will all need to find a way to get along civilly. You won't be able to avoid each other, as presumably your partner relies on her family for support, as she wants to stay with them after she gives birth. They are allowed to dislike you. They don't have to think you're wonderful. But they should be able to remain civil, even if they aren't especially chummy or nice to you. I think you will find you will be able to suck it up if it means seeing more of your baby.

Bear in mind that you need to maintain a passable relationship with them and that they will be livid with you, (and actually, I think they would be right), if you try to pressure your partner into doing something she doesn't want to do, just after she has given birth to your child. That would be a terrible idea!

Best of luck to you though, with fatherhood and your college course . Exciting times for you.

Why do your girlfriend's family dislike you?

She is the one giving birth and she will need to recover afterwards as well as having a newborn to look after. So I'm not surprised she wants to be with her own family and not yours.

I suggest that you do your best to resolve whatever issues there are between you and her family before the birth, so you can spend time with your girlfriend and baby without too much tension.

Your girlfriend could also consider applying for social housing, as she will most probably be eligible. Obviously there will be a waiting list but it's best for her to apply as soon as possible.

Do you have a part time job? Are you able to support the baby financially at all or will you have to wait until you've finished your course?

But they should be able to remain civil, even if they aren't especially chummy or nice to you. I think you will find you will be able to suck it up if it means seeing more of your baby

Obviously if they threaten or attack you that's completely different! Civil is the key.

Maybe a chat to clear the air before the baby arrives might be a good idea? Go on a charm offensive if at all possible. It really will be worth it in the long run.

I don't think it's unreasonable for her and her family to expect you to have a week off college for the birth of your child. Presumably she is having to have several months out of whatever she does? Yes, it'll be a faff and you'll have to get ahead with your assignments, possibly spend a long time driving etc, but that's what parenthood is about - sacrifice!

Im afraid her needs trump yours after childbirth, sorry. She'll want her mum, not yours.

Ditto what is said above. Grow up and let her tell you what she wants. She's the one giving birth and is probably worried and doesn't need this stress. I'm not surprised she wants to be with her mum if you're not going to take time off to be with her.

If I'm at her mum's I won't have any of my art equipment or my computer to work on (I'm doing a HND in Art).

Erm, she's having your baby!

Appreciate the HND is important and all, but I would imagine her life will be somewhat disrupted by giving birth to another human being in the knowledge she'll have to put them before everything else in her life for the next 18 years.

Get some perspective, jeez.

Also, you're very lucky to have two sets of supportive parents and jobs/potential career prospects in your situation, so if I were you, I'd drop this 'week after the birth' malarkey and focus on the bigger picture, because the baby's going to need you both for a lot longer than the first week and it won't make any difference to him/her where she lived for the first week.

This is causing a real problem for both of us but she isn't willing to back down.

You aren't seriously suggesting she should stay somewhere she doesn't want to stay just after giving birth? So you can be near your computer? That is batshit.

Look, it's a stressful time. But you need to understand a few things. First of all, that it's a really tough time for a woman just after she has a baby. Her needs trump your convenience. You're saying she lives miles away from you, but presumably she will give birth at her home hospital? Meaning you would want an immediately postpartum woman and a newborn to travel for your convenience. That's not ok. Babies aren't supposed to be in a carseat for long periods. And your partner will be sore. They shouldn't have to undertake long journeys.

Lastly, don't worry too much about the first week for bonding. It's overstated. Do take some time off, but you aren't doomed to be a terrible father forever if you can't be under the same roof as your baby for the whole first week. There are people whose babies are in hospital for much longer than this and are still well bonded to them afterwards.

I think, and I mean this kindly, you need to grow up and put your partner and baby's comfort before yours.

Wild horses could not have dragged me to my MIL's soon after giving birth. It took me 2 weeks to be able to walk any distance, sit in a normal seat (so a car journey was out of the question) or drive. Never mind the sitting around with my boobs out for hours establishing breastfeeding, or the sleep deprivation. Don't get me wrong, having a baby is lovely and I was over the moon but post partum is the time where you just do what she says. I suggest you focus on getting college work done in advance so you can support her, and try sorting things out with her family because otherwise she's going to be stuck in the middle having to choose between you at a time when she needs you both. Good luck!

Honestly the whole first week thing is over hyped. Our dd was in hospital for a week on sun lights so only held for feeds. DH saw her twice for a couple of hours, had one brief cuddle. They have a great bond and have since about two weeks old.

Will you be at the birth - that can be an important bonding time for you and your partner.