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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Family argument over birth

24 replies

Wondering1234 · 01/07/2017 21:53

Hi all, we are having our first baby and having to have a c section. Both of our parents have separated, two have remarried, two haven't and are quite bitter about it, plus one of our sisters do not get along with her mother. We are having no visitors on the first day and on the second day we are giving way member of the family a 30 visiting time. All have been fine with this apart from my mother in CLAW who has really kicked off (she was the one we were
Most worried about!)

I was just wondering do people think it is a good idea to give visiting times so all is fair and no arguing with each other?

OP posts:

JoWithABow · 01/07/2017 21:56

Are they all coming to the hospital? Seems a lot of visits if so. What does your mother in law want?
I think you need to decide what you are comfortable with and then plan accordingly, and also let them all know plans may have to change depending on how you feel. If you have a lot of visitors why not wait until you get home?

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 01/07/2017 21:59

You'll most likely still be in hospital the day after a c section so they'll have to keep to the hospitals visiting rules and times anyway.
I had c sections at 2 different nhs hospitals and both limited visitor numbers and had a set time.

snoopypoodle · 01/07/2017 22:00

What did she kick off about ?

LexieLulu · 01/07/2017 22:28

What does MIL expect from you and what's her side of the argument?

Frazzled2207 · 01/07/2017 23:08

I don't think you will want that many visits the day after having a baby. We just had my parents ( albeit together) and that was more than enough. Had roughly one visitor or set of visitors per day for a few days once home,

Original poster

Wondering1234 · 01/07/2017 23:40

Sorry it's my husband that has written this... he's referring to the mother in law which is really my mum.... as a rule we are not close even though we speak everyday but argue at least once a week ( she is very very opinionated) basically we 4 sets of grandparents and 2 sisters that all want to see the baby and some are annoyed I won't let them come on the day of c section... 😡😡...So we have organised everyone to have a half an hour time slot on the day after c section... but my mum
Is saying it's like a military operation and won't have a formal invite to see her grandson.. Do you think what we have done is unreasonable?

OP posts:

RedastheRose · 01/07/2017 23:46

It's your baby and your choice tell her if she doesn't want her allotted time then you will allocate it to someone else! Sounds harsh I know but if she is difficult she will walk all over you if you make any concessions. Also I would be tempted to give her the last 30 minute slot as otherwise she will overstay on purpose just to prove her point regardless of the fact that he daughter has just has a major abdominal surgery.

Alittlepotofrosie · 01/07/2017 23:49

Tell her she can wait till you're home with the baby then.

StellaBlueBell · 01/07/2017 23:49

She is BU. You are being fair to everyone. sounds like she wants special treatment.

And yes she absolutely needs a formal invite. In all likelihood u will still be in hospital. She will need to buzz and explain who she is to even get on the ward. She will need to comply with visiting hours and any restrictions on visiting numbers. Most of all tho it's not about her wishes it's about you and your DC's health and recovery, and your feelings above all else

DuggeeHugs · 02/07/2017 00:10

You're in a difficult position and being far more fair than I would be! If your mother isn't prepared to adhere to your requirements then she will have to wait until you're home and invite her to visit you there instead. She really does need a formal invite.

If it won't cause too much angst, I'd consider asking them all to come visit once you're home instead/priming them that if you're not feeling up to it you won't be receiving visitors at the hospital. I felt very vulnerable after my CS and would have appreciated not having visitors until I was finally home and settled.

Original poster

Wondering1234 · 02/07/2017 00:53

Thank you all

OP posts:

badg3r · 07/07/2017 22:34

Gosh no what you are suggesting is more than accommodating! Tell her that's fine, she can come at x o'clock to the hospital or otherwise you'll let her know when you are home and you can FIX A TIME for her to come visit then. It kind of is all about you and the baby just after the birth

I would also chat to the midwives on the postnatal ward so they know you don't want anyone on day 1.

Original poster

Wondering1234 · 07/07/2017 22:41

Thank you

OP posts:

RoseVase2010 · 07/07/2017 22:43

Personally I wouldn't have visitors at the hospital. This time round I will also ask for them to also be during the day, family can take an afternoon off work because the last thing I want to do in the evening is try and hold a conversation/stay awake.

RossGellersteeth · 07/07/2017 22:43

She is being U. Tell her to take it or leave it.

Figgygal · 07/07/2017 22:46

Christ alive

Tell them all to sod off until you get home

You're having major surgery and tbh if I was sharing a 4 bed ward with you and you had a Procession of people marching in and out id think you were very inconsiderate

mimiholls · 08/07/2017 19:19

I came under pressure from my family to have them visiting the hospital day of section. In the end they came the day after- just my mum and my sister. If I could go back I would have no visitors for several days. You are recovering from surgery, you will be bed bound with a catheter in at least the first day, you will be exhausted and possibly be struggling to breastfeed and have your boobs out 24/7. It's really not about your family at this time, it's about you as a couple and the baby. You are completely not being unreasonable, the baby is still going to be there a week after.

loveulotslikejellytots · 08/07/2017 19:28

Just bear in mind also that the day of your planned c section, you may be told you are first on the list, but you may well get pushed back for emergencies. My friend was told she was first but ended up not having her c section till 4pm. She wasn't put up onto a ward until 7:30pm. Visiting finished at 8. I had my c section at 9pm and was on the ward by 11pm. But the following day I really didn't want visitors. I still had my catheter in, canulas in both hands, I hadn't had a shower. I finally felt OK by about 4pm on the 'second' day once i'd showered, got some clean pj's on. All I wanted was a cup of tea and snuggles with my baby. I did have visitors that night, but they were all lovely, quick pop in visits from family that know not to argue or fight over who will be first!

endofthelinefinally · 08/07/2017 19:32

I wouldn't be having anyone but my partner visiting the hospital after major abdominal surgery. I doubt you will be feeling up to visitors TBH.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 08/07/2017 19:41

I would have them in two small groups and seperate those that don't get along. So 10-12 and 2-4. That way it's over with and less like a clinical round. You can sleep 12-2 and 4 onwards

EdgarAllenPoe · 12/07/2017 12:11

You are being far more accommodating than I would have been! Just be aware that on the day of your c-section, you will probably still have a catheter in place, maybe a cannula in your hand (I required anti-sickness drugs as I was puking for several hours afterwards), be feeling very rough all round. I did not have any visitors on the day of my c-section. I at least wanted to have showered and I couldn't get out of bed for the first 24 hours. The day after I had 3 people from husband's side for an hour in the afternoon, and my parents for an hour in the early evening. Everyone else had to wait. That was more than enough! And that was all the visiting hours allowed in my hospital. I can see why, I found that alone exhausting.

The baby will still be adorable and cute at 2, 3, 4 days old. Anyone who makes you feel bad would be sent to the back of the queue if it were me. You've just been through childbirth, you don't need any unnecessary hassle! Good luck to you.

Pip84 · 15/07/2017 17:24

Totally understand where you are coming from. My MIL is the same. We hardly see her and she hardly pays any attention to our current 2 kids however when we told her when i was being taken in for a section at 39 wks she said she will be straight up at hospital min we call to say baby is here!

I told her no one apart from my oldest son (4 yr old) and partner is allowed up at hospital that day due to the pain i will be in etc so if she wants she can come up at afternoon visit next day and she went off on one! I have my mum & dad who i am very close to they see the lids everyday as it is and they really help me out with the boys but we can go 2/3 months without seeing the MIL. She also said that when she comes up my 2 SIL and 2 nieces would be coming also. I have advised her we don't want kids at hospital apart from our oldest kid (youngest has just turned 1 and he wont sit down so not bringing him to hospital) and also that we would prefer the first visit to be grand parents only then the aunties can come up at later time at night. She was not happy and demanded that the day i get out of hospital she will be coming with everyone to the house to visit. We advised no house visitors for at least the first week as we want the boys to get used to baby and me to heal a little before everyone comes around. She went off at my OH and basically called me for everything and said they will just be turning ip at either hospital or my house. Told her of they all turn at hospital i will be telling midwife they ain't welcome and het them removed. Also said my door will be locked when we get home and they wont get in. My OH is so close to telling her that we are finished with her and not to bother at all coming to visit.

Hopefully u can get it all sorted as i know how stressing this can all be and esp when you are getting ready for birth. Im quite lucky as my mum is the nicest woman you can meet but god help MIL if she tried to turn up with everyone as my mum will go crazy lol the reason for this is massive but i don't trust her with my kids at all on her own even just for me to go to toilet.

Redken24 · 15/07/2017 17:33

Seriously say no. I didn't want anyone when I had mine never said it and they all appeared. Never got into the ward but it really put my back up. Enjoy the first few moments by yourselves. Don't tell them the date and just wait til your home.

Original poster

Wondering1234 · 15/07/2017 17:34

Thank you, can totally relate to you.

OP posts:

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