AIBU to expect my DH to be at the birth?!

[Carlz84]

To cut a long story short- my DH runs his own small/medium size company and his mobile normally rings off the hook from 7am-6pm on weekdays. Some of the phone calls are not very important, and some need urgentish action to fix an issue/ prevent the business losing money... I work full time and most of the time take home a bit more than him. I'm expecting a baby in September, which is a busy time for the business (I know, bad planning). DH has previously mentioned that he might not be at the birth as he doesn't have anyone in the office to cover him and can't afford to get admin in to cover him. We argued about it again today, and I told him that I expect him to prioritise me and the baby on the day that I go into labour and when I call I expect him to meet me at hospital as soon as he can...he said he might not be able to as he might struggle to leave the office/not take calls. He said that anything could happen, a employee might have an emergency and need urgent help!! I said that I might have an emergency and need his help!! We know that the signal is non existent in the labour ward, so he's worried about what calls he's going to miss. All I care about is that he's there for the birth as he will never be able to replace that moment. We also didn't particularly want our families involved in the birth, as we feel they stress us out, but if there's a chance he's not going to be there for the whole labour I'm thinking I might need to put my mum on the birth plan as a birthing partner?

Sorry to waffle on, hope it makes sense!

Urgh, so I guess thats no family holidays for you, no looking after his own children. All holiday times, sickness, unexpected issues will fall on you as well, no matter what you've got on, or whether you are ill or well.

He does know that having a child is (a) kind of important and (b) not something that you'll recover from instantly. The reality is that only about 50% of first time mums achieve an unassisted vaginal birth anyway, and then by the time you add on severe tears, PPH, then the majority of women will actaully need time to physically recover, as well as bonding and taking care of the child. I don't say this to scare you, but I get the feeling he doesn't quite understand the reality you will be facing.

How dare he prioritise his work and his employees at the one time in your life when you will need him most. I'm horrified that he is even thinking like this, and if he does miss the birth, then he's clearly shown you where his priorities lie.

And I say this as a self employed person myself. The thing with self employment is that work can take over, but work shouldn't be the be all and end all of life, and he needs to achieve balance, and fight for it. A few days off won't kill him, and unless his business is crap, it won't kill the business either.

What is going to happen after the baby is born? It's such hard work and by the sound of it, you'll be doing it mostly alone.

He needs to start thinking about that too!

Honestly I hope for your sake he is using the business as a pretext and doesnt want to attend the birth for some other reason. otherwise it sounds to me like you as a family are in an extremely precarious position. If the business is so fragile, then it would be massively irresponsible for you to go part time to stay at home with the children. Otherwise one bout of flu or a bereavement or any reason for time off for him would see the business go bust and you as a family would be on your part-time wages. There are two big issues here - your relationship and your famiy's incone. Both need to be addressed.

Best wishes.

My husband is self employed and was there for the birth. He took a grand total of four days off when baby was born (two for induction and one day of delivery!!)
I did understand that he had to go back to work (sole trader) straight away (although didn't know til the day we came home that he was going back the next day!!) it was very hard emotionally though I had my mum, sister and mil to help. I ended up needing an emcs but physically I was fine and able to cope.
My dh works long hours and essentially I have done all childcare, cleaning, cooking etc from day one. It's tough but I have no choice. I also work full time.
I definitely think it has affected his relationship with ds, he is definitely a mummy's boy. I think if you can explain this to your dh that he will need to be there for your dc to build a relationship.
I'm pregnant with dc2 now, ds will be 2yr 9m when #2 arrives and to be honest I'm not expecting much to change. You just find a way to cope with it, though I do feel sorry for dh when ds refuses to hug or kiss him I feel he has brought it on himself.
As for being at the birth mine was more traumatised than me by the whole thing and although I don't think he will miss the next one I wouldn't mind if he did, they feel like a third wheel anyway.

I don't think the business is particularly fragile or close to going bust, but it's still less than 2 years old so it's early days. The structure of the business changes/developed monthly so we're hoping that it will be in a strong by the end of my mat leave. I will obviously go back to work full time if we can't financially afford for me to go part time, but that's the dream!

I've sent him a lengthy text, so let's see what he says! It's just so frustrating that he doesn't see my point of view and thinks I'm being harsh saying that I can see it ending in divorce! Every other part of our relationship is good, no problems really apart from him leaving skids in the toilet. He's always telling me how much he loves me and bump etc.

His business will never be a success as it stands, because he invests too little in training staff and, frankly, sounds as though he chooses poor staff to employ.

He is constantly firefighting and doing other people's jobs at the same time as his own.

THIS is why so many businesses fail. He's obviously got the energy but is directing it completely wrongly.

If he loved you both, wouldn't he also prioritise your needs puzzled?
Don't be a martyr here. Its his child too, he needs to pull his finger out.

You should worry more about the next 18 years...does he plan to not be around for your future baby child teen ?
Just as well you have other support
Use it.

It sounds very much like he needs to better train his staff to deal with the problems that appear to be recurring. That is the most sensible option for the longevity of any business. Or your u are going to have bigger issues than him not being at the birth!

Is the business on the verge of going bust because your dh is a control freak.

This.

Delegate man! Delegate.

Couple of things - if his business is so fragile and you need his wage to keep the family afloat, then he needs to accept it's not compatable with family responsibilities and look for a salaried job.

You can arrange for someone else to be your birth partner (and I would do this in case he does turn out to be unreachable /distracted during labour), but longer term, worth asking him what role he sees him having in the life of his child? If he's just going to be the person who pays for everything, but doesn't do any actual parenting, you might as well be on your own.

His plan is to employ about 5 more employees which should then pay him enough to employe an admin person. If he employs admin now it will come out of his wage. The more employees he's gets the more he can step away from the company-supposedly!

He's replied to my text, saying that he sees all of my points but that he's in catch 22 blah blah blah and basically asking me to tell him what to do. WHY SHOULD I? I didn't bloody choose to open the business!

Have you considered hiring a doula to help support you during the birth? It doesn't sound like your partner will be there all the time as he'll probably want to step out and check messages. Doulas can also support you after the birth until you are able to look after the baby and run the household as well.

Don't think we could afford a doula, plus I don't really like the thought of having someone there who I don't really know, I'm quite a price person really. I don't even like the thought of my DM or DS being there, but would prefer one of them to a doula.

DH is saying he make sure he's there now and will change things around it work but I don't think he really means it or thinks it's sensible. I just feel like he's saying it to end the argument and be awkward. I won't go into the details but it means him acting as an employee and basically giving control of the company/admin/management to one of the employees.

I'm trying to explain that I just want him to be around as he'll never get them moments back and I just want us all to be happy and to have a good family life. He says he wants to be there too but that he'll have loads of time, probably more than me when DC is older and the company is more established. He thinks he'll be in a position to do the school runs, go to their plays etc. I honestly don't know what the future is going to look like but I think it's so important that he's around for the birth and first milestones!

The more employees he gets the more he can step away from the company

If the employees he has hired so far can't do the job then why hiring more make it easier. Surely it was just make things worse.

I think you really do need to threaten divorce again or financially he could take you down with him. Never mind him not being with you when you need him.

I don't know of anyone else's experience when going into labour but I could not have done without dp. As soon as I arrived at hospital I was attached to monitors and on that bed I stayed for 48hours. 2 days sat on a bed you can't move from. Then after 2 days dd showed signs of distress and within seconds the sides of the bed were pulled up and I was racing down the corridor and dd was born by ecs within a couple of minutes.

Does your dh think he is going to go to work one day and when he gets home you will be making his tea with baby asleep in their cot.

Birth is messy and doesnt always go according to plan and you need someone there. Ordinarily there is nothing wrong with having a birth partner who is not your husband /boyfriend but it is when your dh chooses answering phones over the birth of his first child then there is a problem which going forward with that attitude will only get bigger

Could it be that he's nervous about being at the birth and doesn't know how to broach it? My DH wasn't at the birth of our son, he is really squeamish and I wanted my mum there so we agreed he would stay at home with DSS and my mum would be my birthing partner.

He has always been a very hands on dad and when DS was small did the lions share of childcare when I went back to work. It's not always the case that if he isn't there at the birth he won't be by your side for the rest of the time.

Could it be that he's nervous about being at the birth and doesn't know how to broach it?

But he takes calls 12hrs a day at the moment and apparently never takes time off. It's not just the birth. He has an established pattern of being a workaholic. And sorry, OP, but I think this more established future when he has all the time in the world is never-never land. Why would more employees make things better when he clearly thinks he has to personally supervise them all? He'll work more, not less, unless he changes his mindset and his patterns.

I repeat: either his business isn't viable, or he's very bad at running it. I would have serious concerns in your position unless you are genuinely ok with functionally being a single parent all week.

Hope you have nipped this behaviour in the bud OP. Otherwise you are running a high risk of being a single parent in practice if not fact. That's not what you signed up for is it?

He doesn't seem to understand that it isn't just about him potentially missing out on seeing his child born. What about being there for you at a time when a decent partner's support can make a huge difference, both in practical terms and emotionally, at a time when you are so vulnerable.

Doesn't he feel supportive and protective of you - why not? Childbirth is a big deal, not just something on a tick list further down the list of his priorities.

It's not that he's nervous about the birth, or parenthood- he's a very laid back guy most of the time, just not particularly at work or when he's stressed.

His plan has always been to hire a certain number of employees before he can replace himself in the office. More employees=more money. If he comes out of the office now and has to pay for admin it will come out of his wages which mainly contribute towards bills, food etc.

His employees aren't necessarily rubbish and not able to self manage, but a lot of the issues are things that he feels he needs to sort as there can be cost implications, which I do get. They also don't have access to his databases/bank account etc as 1 they are out on the road most of the time and 2 he doesn't want them to have too much info for them to start up a rival company. However some of the phone calls are general ones that they don't really need to make, or could call another employee to discuss.

He is a very caring person and is protective over me and bump. I think a lot of the problem is that his parents didn't have any money growing up, which resulted in him and his siblings getting picked on at school, not having anything. I think he's terrified of that happening. I on the other side haven't come from a wealthy background l, just normal family but I always had nice clothes and had holidays etc. My family have never struggled financially when his has.

We had a good talk last night and he's promised that he'll make me the priority on the day and will sort something out at work to enable this to happen.

Thanks for all your comments!

I still don't think you get that it might not all happen in a 24 hour time slot. What happens if you are in labour for more than 24 hours and you don't push out a baby within a certain time limit. If you have a ecs you are bed bound. Don't expect help to come from nurses to get you breakfast lunch and dinner or anything else you need or cant reach this is what partners are expected to do.

I think it's the initial few hours that he's worried about, as no one is going to be in the office at that point. The plan will probably be that soon as he knows that I'm in labour/waters break whatever he will try to get out of the office asap to meet me at the hospital or come to meet me at my DM's (where I'll be camping out during the days). He can call an employee get them to get in the office as soon as and then not plan that person other work then until he's not needed in the office. Hopefully he can plan for his person to be in the office the few days around my due date but obviously we have no idea when I'm going to go into labour, whether I will have the baby within 30 minutes, 30 hours or what condition I will be in after it.

I trust that he's going to try his best to be there all the way through, I think that's the best I can ask for at the moment.

I cant get my head around why he isn't training his staff properly, if something goes wrong then why isn't he teaching them how to rectify the situation instead of just doing it all himself? He will never have time away from the business if he carries on like that.

I agree with previous posters, its just showing you exactly what his priorities are going to be once the baby is actually here, id get used to doing things single handed if I was you.

At least he's now saying he will be there but his attitude about it all speaks volumes. Good luck OP