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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Older teen DD as birth partner?

22 replies

troodiedoo · 07/03/2017 13:29

I'm due to give birth very soon and dd1 aged 16 is very keen to be present at the birth as well as dh.

I'm thrilled that she wants to be involved obviously but I have some concerns.
she is likely to see me in a lot of pain, and possibilities of complications.

I may not be myself and might scare her by shouting at her or acting like a spaced out weirdo.

It's likely to go on for a long time and she might get bored

Selfishly, I might like it to be just me and dh and not have to worry about her at that moment.

I'd appreciate any advice or comments about this, thanks in advance :)

OP posts:

Annesmyth123 · 07/03/2017 13:30

I wouldn't. 16 is still so young and has the potential to traumatise her if anything goes wrong. But that's jus my gut reaction.

bummymummy77 · 07/03/2017 13:31

I would.

blueskyinmarch · 07/03/2017 13:57

I think I would agree to her attendance but with some caveats.

If she wants to leave at any time she can.

If you want her to leave at any point she must go.

You will need to be able to have some way of her getting home should she be leaving.

No drama type behaviour. If she can't keep calm and focussed she leaves.

You reserve the right not to have her look at the 'business' end when that point comes.

Other than that it might be a great experience for her.

What does your DH think?

Original poster

troodiedoo · 07/03/2017 14:05

Thanks all for your comments. Yes I think I am leaning towards those caveats and will put them on my birth plan if I allow her to come.

DH (who is not her father) is happy for her to be there if that's what I want. But you raise a good point in that I've not discussed it seriously with him and I really should do that, so thanks :)

As a unit we are very close and do a lot together. She's quite a sensitive homely type of girl.

OP posts:

Heirhelp · 07/03/2017 14:12

What happens if you need a crash c section?

Original poster

troodiedoo · 07/03/2017 14:36

Obviously if there were complications she would have to leave. Hopefully that is unlikely though. I'm seeing midwife tomorrow morning, will discuss it with her.

OP posts:

Semaphorically · 07/03/2017 14:39

I know several men who remain very traumatised by seeing their partner go through a difficult birth. I don't think even an emotionally mature 16 year old should go through that, and she may not be able to be shielded from it if things happen quickly.

Also, personally, I wouldn't have been able to properly get into labour if one of my children was there. The instinct to protect them over and above protecting myself is too strong.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 07/03/2017 14:41

At 16 she could be having her own dc so would say she is old enough to know the score about the event! Sounds like she wants to be as involved as possible which is great for you all as a family!!

Somerville · 07/03/2017 14:56

My DD1 is 15 and when I told her I'm pregnant she asked if she could be at the birth. She's interested in a career in medicine so seems to be viewing it a more of a work experience opportunity than anything else.

One of her friends, whose mum is a doula, had been at the home birth of a younger sibling, and she'd talked it through with that friend first, and put some thought into it.

By what ultimately will stop us, I think, is the fact that, like you, DH is not her father, and this is the first birth that he'll be at. Although he's happy for her to be there on a surface level, when we discussed the reality we wondered if he might feel a bit distracted or awkward or inhibited if she's there, or in turn if she might feel embarrassed if I'm naked on a birthing ball and he's pressed up against me doing counter-pressure massage, which definitely happened in one of my previous labours, with my late first husband. When we'd talked through a few scenarios like that, she and he were both slightly cringing. And if it's embarrassing to talk about it would be even more embarrassing for that to happen, I suspect.

Elledouble · 07/03/2017 15:03

My cousin was 14 when her youngest sibling was born and attended the birth under similar caveats that bluesky describes. It worked well for then and she now has children of her own so it didn't put her off!

Does she know about the pain? The possibility of pooing and weeing? The way one tends to go very slightly loopy during labour and doing and saying weird things? Blood? Episiotomies? Instrumental deliveries? If she's going to be there she needs to make sure she's not going to have a problem with the realities of childbirth...

Original poster

troodiedoo · 07/03/2017 15:03

Thanks Somerville that's definitely given me something to think about.

OP posts:

Original poster

troodiedoo · 07/03/2017 15:07

Elledouble she knows about the pain but I don't think she realises how bad it could be, or the pooing, which is another of my concerns which I forgot to mention. Very worried about the pooing actually.

OP posts:

ChicRock · 07/03/2017 15:10

I would allow her, with the caveats listed above.

I imagine it'll be a great form of contraception for her.

bummymummy77 · 07/03/2017 16:40

I saw two of my brothers being born when I was 14 and 16. Was lovely. Sil is having me attend her homebirth soon and her 18 month dd will be there. Homebirths around here generally have the the other kids there too.

geekaMaxima · 07/03/2017 16:52

Get her Kate Evan's Bump book to read first, which has some lovely graphic cartoons of the business end of labour and birth If your DD is comfortable seeing you in those situations, OP, then she probably has put enough thought into it.

There's a preview of one chapter on the author's website here to give you an idea.

Original poster

troodiedoo · 07/03/2017 17:08

Thanks for the link geekaMaxima that's brilliant.

Did consider a home birth but the hospital is a fair way away in case of emergencies unfortunately.

She is not a fan of babies and children in general and is adamant that she will never have kids. Which is why I'm so surprised that she wants to be there. Possibly it's more that she doesn't want to be left out.

OP posts:

ILikeSalmon · 07/03/2017 18:16

I doubt me as a 16 year old would want to see my mothers vagina stretch open and watch my sibling plop out, and the possibility for poo coming it also. Aswell as my Mam suffering in pain.

divadee · 07/03/2017 20:07

I had my 19 year old at my home birth 5 weeks ago. She was even at the business end. She was over the moon to be there and crying her eyes out at the end with happiness. It was a beautiful thing to be part of. Even the midwife said she will never forget my daughters face the minute bubs was born and she felt privileged to witness it.

Yes she has made comment that it's put her off childbirth (good I'm not ready to be a grandma yet!) And that it seemed a lot more painful and messy than she had thought but she still says she was glad she was here.

Mine did go wrong afterwards and had a massive PPH but she took it all in her stride.

If she wants to be there let her if you are comfortable with it. But , you have to be comfortable with it.

Original poster

troodiedoo · 07/03/2017 20:36

Thanks for sharing your experience divadee

I think we need to have a serious discussion about it. Which will be hard as we are not a serious family. But needs must.

OP posts:

divadee · 08/03/2017 10:05

I hope you can both reach a decision troo it is a magical thing to be a part of.

I did say to my daughter she can leave at anytime of she wanted to and I wouldn't of minded. To be honest I was in so much pain and in my own zone at times I didn't care who was or wasn't there. But the minute she was born I was so glad to see my eldest daughters face. Literally me, oh, eldest daughter and newborn all crying at the same time.

Original poster

troodiedoo · 08/03/2017 10:53

Aw how lovely 😍 we will have a proper chat about it tonight. Thanks.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 09/03/2017 14:41

I would have to say no. My labour was 12 hours from 6cm (which was 4 days at home), with me wandering around topless for a lot of the time. The last 3 hours were not a pretty sight! I think a teenager would have been very upset.

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