Well I thought I'd give an update... and ask my next bundle of questions!
Firstly, thankyou. I read back through these messages often, usually whenever I'm having anxious moments, (frequently and generally in the middle of the night!) It's just so reassuring to know there are people who do actually understand. So thankyou again to all of you for your replies 💛.
Well, what's been happening... back in February I had a telephone consultation with a cbt therapist. It wasn't the best phonecall actually, got pretty emotional. She was saying she didnt think i was in the riggt frame of mind to try cbt as I was focused more on a caesarian than curing my phobia. I was devestated that I'd told her some really personal infornation... and she wasn't going to try to help!
She called back the next day to say she had spoken to her manager and wanted to meet me in person. I met her back in March and we did a session of cbt to give me an idea of what it would be like. I still struggled with the the idea of having a vaginal birth as my end goal, but I understand the therapy has no chance of working if I dont.
My local cbt service is so busy that I'm yet to get an appointment, half of me is eagerly awaiting it's start. The other half soooo grateful for the wait!
In May I was watching TV with my lovely partner when an episode of Gavin and Stacey came on. You know, the one where Ness gives birth. I tried my usual casual trick of trying to change the channel, nope, he wanted to watch it.... next trick, I'll keep chatting and try and ignore it, nope, he wants to watch it. I'll do the washing up, nope, come and sit with me. By this point I was pretty horrified and trying desperately not to watch or listen to anything. In the end it turned out to be the best thing to happen. He saw how panicky I had got and wanted to really know why. We spoke for hours about everything and I honestly couldn't have asked for a more caring response. He admits he doesn't really understand, but is trying to and has been googling things on and off and asking me questions. Honestly feel overwhelmed and so grateful for his caring and desire to help, especially as this potentially affects his future so much too.
I took the advice about writing to PALS. Unfortunately after 12 weeks of no response I contacted them again, PALS checked and confirmed they had asked the appropriate department to contact me. After about another month I received a one line email from the head of midwifery, to say my local hospital doesn't have any policies on tokophobia. I replied to her twice, explaining in more detail, however she hasn't replied. Still, I'm looking on the positives- I have her name now and will make sure I never see her!
7 weeks ago I went back to my GP and asked him if I could try his second option- being referred to a gynae. He agreed and said he'd send off the referral. He also tried to convince me to have antidepressants again. I've declined, I honestly don't feel depressed. Anxious yes, extemely. In the middle of the night, perhaps a little out of control. But other aspects of my life are great, I really dont feel down about anything else. Has anyone else been offered these? I'm doubting things now and wondering if it's a normal part of the process!
Well, yesterday after some gentle nagging from the lovely man I called the hospital to see when I was likely to hear about an appointment. The secretary was able to confirm there had been communication between my Gp and the gynae but I could not have an appointment without further confirmation from my GP. He called me today to explain the situation. He said he has picked this particular gynae as he believes she cares about the lady and the whole situation, rather than just a physical need as some consultants do. (Very grateful to him for this). He explained that the delay has been caused by the gynae wanting me to have cbt before or alongside seeing her as she recognises it as an important part of treatment. However the cbt service are not replying to him when he asks about waiting times. My GP has kindly agreed to contact the gynae and ask her to see me before I start cbt. He has also recommended I look into private cbt and hypnotherapy in our local area as he feels this might help. I've been googling prices and they seem to be ranging from £40 to £100 per session, with sessions recommended as weekly. Has anyone tried this before and have any idea of how many weeks I would need to go for? Trying to calculate how much overtime I might need to do to fund this! Also, has anyone tried hypnotherapy?
So really, the wait goes on. But, thanks to all of you wonderful people, after many years I'm actually at the beginning of a journey, all be it slow and anxious. I wasn't going anywhere before and I was still just as anxious. Trying not to get my hopes up, but maybe, just maybe, the gynae will understand.