My husband is scared of childbirth - help!

[TallyHoAndToodlePip]

Sorry for the long, upcoming post.

My DH and I are expecting out first child next April and we're very happy excited about becoming parents. I'm not worried about childbirth. My biggest fears are pooing myself in front of everyone and tearing.

He however is terrified of childbirth. As the months roll by its becoming apparent that it's really getting to him. He won't discuss it or show me that he's scared (trying to support me and be strong for me etc.) but I know it's there.

His biggest fear is that something will happen to me and the baby and that he'll lose me or both of us. He's also scared of me having to have a cesarean, planned or emergency, because it's 'major surgery' in his eyes.

He has started having nightmares about this most nights too. I wake in the night with him hugging me tight and cradling my bump, breathing like he's scared. That's the only time he shows it to me - when he can't hide it. I ask in the morning if he wants to talk about them and he just shakes his head. Can't even say 'no' out loud.

He has a fear of hospitals too which isn't helping. He's really happy that I've chosen to give birth in a hospital because of all the medical staff on hand for emergency scenarios, but ultimately he fears them because, in the past, when his loved ones have gone in they haven't come out. I've tried explaining that this will be different and have a happy ending but he's still fearful.

I've tried being gentle by giving him facts that should ultimately reassure him but he just freaks out and walks away saying he doesn't want to discuss it because 'it'll just be one more thing that he'll be worrying about'

How can I help him? A woman in his position would receive help I'm sure but I don't know what can be done for him? I don't want him to suffer like this. Normally I'm the insecure one in our relationship and he's there to hold me up. I've never seen him like this before over anything.

Also, please don't berate him in anyway because 'I'm the one giving birth and not him so he shouldn't be scared'. He's a truly wonderful man who cares about me and our baby deeply. We've been together 13 years and I'm basically all the family he has.

Thanks for reading.

mouldycheesefan: I'm not dismissive. I was just trying to get across what he'd said and I did a bad job of it, for which i apologised. I really do know it's major surgery. My mum had 3 c-sections. She nearly died in the first and third, as well as my sister in the third. Huge distress to her and her babies, major hemorrhaging, collapsed lungs, oxygen deprivation - you get the idea. What good would me saying to him "Yeah that could happen to me and you'll have to watch" do? There's got to be a better way.

Thanks to everyone for all of your thoughts and suggestions. I knew he couldn't have been the first man to go through this which is why i came here to ask you all. Also, don't worry that your birth stories have scared me because they haven't. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me - I appreciate it

Now to address your suggestions. Hopefully i get them all!

We have luckily already booked onto an NCT course so that sounds like it may be useful to him. It doesn't start until late January though so i'll look to speak to my midwife in the meantime about him/ me and see what she recommends. I'll also ask if we can tour the hospital as we're not due to do that until March, which seems a bit late. How do i get in touch with my HV? Or is my midwife and HV one and the same?

Him not being there for the birth is not an option. It's not that i'd demand he'd be there but he would. He wouldn't miss it for the world. I hadn't considered how useful he'd be to me though... I think he'll do the thing where outwardly he's strong and smiley but I'd be able to see fear and panic in his eyes the whole time. I think i'll be the one reassuring him i'm fine even if i'm not, that's assuming i'm still this calm by then and able to carry it off if i'm not? I'm definitely going to have to give that one some thought.

I would love to say that he'd give hypnobirthing a go for his anxiety alone but i know he'd say no. On the other hand, if i were to say i wanted to go and asked him to come with me i know he would. Like i say, he's very supportive of me. I think the more feasible route for him though would be for us to approach our GP though and see about counselling or CBT potentially. Do you think enough progress could be made in such a short amount of time?

He has come along to all the scans and all but one of my midwife appointments so far. He missed one because it was an impromptu thing to check babies heartbeat and he was at work. Baby was fine but he got a bit upset that he missed it. I've said we'll try not to let that happen again. It does seem that being there for the appointments helps give him reassurance. I know i love them for that reason!

I feel better now knowing i can potentially help with his anxiety. Just need to do some research and make some calls!

Lots of good suggestions here, I'd suggest that even if he's there for the birth you're going to need someone else too, a doula or supportive family member because you will need someone 100% focused on you and he might well need the support too

"Do you think enough progress could be made in such a short amount of time?"

Yes CBT can be very effective in a short space of time. I've had it for depression and found it incredibly helpful. On the NHS they usually offer a fixed number of sessions (6 in my case). The only thing is that there can be waiting lists so you do need to request it ASAP. In my area you can self-refer (Google IAPT services in your area to see if you can too) but a GP visit would be a good idea too.

You could also white lie and say you want to try hypnobirthing for yourself even if the real reason is that you think he would benefit.

And please do consider another birth partner - not to replace him but someone extra to support you both (but mostly you!) You could get a doula for example.

Cross-post oaty

He needs to get help for his anxiety now. And if he can't make some progress , he should not come to the birth .

I have great sympathy for his anxieties, but he needs to act like an adult and get help, rather than ignoring it and hoping it will go away. Most men are anxious about their partners wellbeing , but they manage to overcome their fears and be there for her. For some reason, his fears have become unmanageable so he need to pay for some therapy .

During your pregnancy, labour and birth, you and your baby are the patients. Everything needs to be about you and baby's welfare and not about him. You will not have the mental and physical energy to be worrying about him during labour and it's unreasonable of him to expect you to do so.

If he can't cope with that he needs to bow out and let another family member or friend suport you.

In many cultures men do not attend births and there's no reason to think it will affect his bonding with the baby.

You can ask at your GP of course, but it think you will probably have to go privately . Let's face it, budgets are tight and waiting lists are long. There's little help for pregnant women who are terrified of childbirth, let alone men .

And his personal desire to be at the birth is just that -it's not a medical need.

So I'd encourage him to look for therapy today - search online and make some phone calls. He needs to take responsibility for sorting this and take the pressure off you.

I am concerned for you, that his issues are affecting your ability to enjoy your pregnancy and prepare for the arrival of your LO

My DH didn't have anxiety but i know he can get a bit weird and fainty around anything medical so I had two birth partners. DH because obviously he wouldn't have missed it for anything and my best friend because she's nails and I wanted someone i could rely on 100%.

DH almost fainted at a mw appointment when they took my blood pressure but he was fine at the birth (induced labour ending in EMCS).

Would you consider hiring a doula OP?

It's possible that he's anxious now but on the day will be ok. Best thing to do is prepare himself by watching childbirth videos, researching, visiting the birthing centre etc

Poor guy.

I think men are absolutely entitled to have their anxieties about birth too and it is good that you are trying to be understanding there.

My DH is nervous and squeamish around medical establishments. His anxiety isn't on the same level as your DH, but there nonetheless.

I found that for us it helped that I made clear to him that he had the choice over when he could face being there or not. He was there for all three, including one Caesarean Section and was pleased as punch in the end.

In your case I think that looking into hiring a doula could be the way to go. They can support and reassure both of you from what I have heard, though I didn't have one so that isn't personal experience speaking.

I do think if he can't commit to helping you then he might reconsider being there. You don't want to be reassuring him, or having a panicky person by your side.

Dh was 19 when he had Ds with ex. There was an emergency c- section and a lot of fear. Even before we conceived he said he'd rather not be there. He's not normally a wuss or even the anxious type. I had great births with my very confidant empowering sister by my side. And he was there 10 mins later.

It's not a terrible option.

What Kri1stina said: he has to step up and address his issue - you cannot sort this for him.

Lots of good suggestions on this thread and there are lots of ways to access CBT - a quick google about what's available in your area is a start (try searching for 'NHS CBT' and see what comes up).

I think it can be hard for the man/father who has no active role to play in labour and childbirth to feel very much out of control (because his IS) and to understandably find that frightening. The catastrophising he is indulging in is quite unhealthy and not helpful to anybody.
He really must address this now before he is confronted with being expected to look after a terrifyingly small new baby... trust me, babies can be scary creatures

Does he have other anxiety issues? V high standards on himself and others, is a perfectionist, likes things 'just so'? If he does, he should get help to have a look at all of that before a baby/toddler/child creates havoc in your lives.

OP, you and your DH might be interested in a male midwife called Mark Harris - he's written a book called "Men, Love and Birth" and he runs antenatal courses for men called "Birthing for Blokes". Here are his thoughts on whether the father should be present at the birth:
birthingawareness.com/2015/02/14/should-men-be-at-the-birth-of-their-baby/

I'd recommend doing a hypnobirthing antenatal class together. It gives the father a role to play in labour (massage techniques, anchors to relax you etc) so he will have something to concentrate on rather than feeling like a spare part. You can both listen to the music and read the birthing scripts to each other (affirmations to teach you to relax and be confident).

He will realise that birth is normal. Women do it every minute of every day and the vast majority of them are fine. He needs something to help him get it into perspective. I say this as someone who is 40 weeks with number 2!

I'm not opposed to having a second birth partner but I think it would have to be a doula if I were to go down that route. I know it's not medically necessary for him to be at the birth but he really wants to be so I'd rather bring someone in who can support us both and make that a reality. I know baby and I are the main attraction in this event but I can't help but want to look out for him. We're a team!

I am concerned for you, that his issues are affecting your ability to enjoy your pregnancy and prepare for the arrival of your LO

I really appreciate your concern but I'm honestly fine. I truly am enjoying my pregnancy. If anything my DH is my only concern so far. If I wanted to I could ignore his issues and focus purely on me but I want this to be a good experience for him too. Strange how things turn out though. I always thought we'd be the opposite to how we are now when I fell pregnant!

Also I'm going to look into some paid therapy/ CBT for him. I'm sure it'll help!

I was wrapped up with worry about DS's birth and didn't really realise that we would meet our first born for the first time. it was quite a shock when it happened as I hadn't really thought about how his features would be or how he would move or sound as a freshly born little person.

Giving birth is scary for the man too. He sounds lovely and very caring, he is crippled with anxiety and needs to speak to a professional soon to put his mind at ease. I agree with some of the others on here who suggest having a chat to a midwife.

How much does he know about the mechanics, if you like, of giving birth? The stages of labour and what will be happening in your body, that sort of thing? Would it help him to know how things work? Has he got fixated on the idea of birth as a medical event as opposed to a natural one that happens to take place in a medical setting, do you think?

Would a course on natural birth help him? We did a short massage for labour session at a local spa-type place, it was all very relaxing, but covered the hormones, and gave DH a job to do beyond looking helpless and manly. (In the event he had a go at it, knocked one of my TENS machine pads off and gave me a massive electric shock, but I'd gloss over that bit if I were you ).

Bless him, it is scary for them too. But he does need to get help for these fears, just as you would.

If going for CBT I'd suggest going privately if you can afford it - the waiting lists can be really very long if you're not priority (e.g. mum of baby under one)

It's not that you and baby are the main attraction . You are the patient and the midwife and others will be focussed on your well being , not on supporting your H. If there's a problem and he and his issues get in the way they will kick him out .

Your sentiments about being a team are admirable , but when it's your body that is wracked with pain you don't need to be worrying about his feelings. Seriously .

Everyone imagines they will have a beautiful and deeply moving labour , where you will grimace slightly with each contraction while remaining radiant and your loving H will mop your brow and tell you how beautiful you are . You will listen to whale music, mediate on your favourite poem and visualise a candle as the baby just pops out.

Yes a few get this and I hope you are lucky enough to be one of them . But if you are not, you won't have the physical and mental energy to be dealing with him and his issue in between contractions. It's called labour for a reason.

You don't want to be scared to scream or shout or demand pain relief in case it upsets him. You need to be able to lean on him, not support him.

I hope he manage to get some therapy and that it's helpful.

Another vote for getting a doula. We had one for different reasons but one of the benefits was that DH was calmer just knowing she was experienced and if she thought things were normal then he could relax. I didn't have to worry about him at all. We also did a extended natural birth course, which helped us feel more prepared.