Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Flip

Original poster

Planned csec - how to refuse visits from parents and inlaws?

19 replies

Ginger782 · 12/12/2016 08:50

So I'm going to be having a planned csec early at 37 weeks. Both DH and I would prefer NOT to organise any visitors while in hospital until we say so. Both our parents are refusing our gentle/polite suggestions of this. His folks feel they have some sort of right to come whenever they damn well please and my mother is insistent that she should be there straight away.
Note: neither of us are actually very close to our parents. My mother stresses me the hell out when I have a 5 minute conversation with her, let alone immediately after major surgery.

How do I insist that they not come?

His parents live nearby, mine live some 5 hours away so they want to plan to come down and stay nearby - thus increasing their visiting time/driving me insane time.

Help!

OP posts:

SpotTheDuck · 12/12/2016 08:58

Bottom line, the hospital will not let anybody in if you tell them not to. Inform your midwife now that some relatives may try to visit but they are not allowed to come in and you want them to be turned away. Put it on your birth plan, put a sign up on your bed, and tell each midwife when you're in. We did the same to avoid a difficult situation with somebody who was insisting they would turn up.

Then tell them all, firmly and politely, that you are having major abdominal surgery. The baby is arriving early for medical reasons. You have discussed it with the medical staff and there will be absolutely no visitors allowed in (youcan imply this comes from the medical staff if you want). Emphasise that if they turn up they will not be allowed in!

Cosmicglitterpug · 12/12/2016 08:59

Give them a wrong date?

Can you just say how you feel?

kally195 · 12/12/2016 09:02

If they are that disrespectful of your wishes, I'd give up insisting and instead, put plans in place to prevent them seeing you.

While you are in hospital, get your DH to be very clear to the ward staff that you have a strict no visitors policy. It should be a secure ward, so they have to be buzzed in. You could bring the ward in advance to discuss your concerns, if it would help put you mind at rest. You can't stop them coming to the hospital, but you can stop them getting to you.

Once you are home, refuse to answer the door?

Failing that, tell them the date has changed?

As you and DH are in agreement, I'd suggest he takes the lead on this (to spare your blood pressure).

kally195 · 12/12/2016 09:03

Massive cross post with Spot, who has said it much better than me.

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2016 09:06

My materintiy hospital had visiting hours and open doors during those hours, they was no sign in procedure, so you'd have to check the hospitals procedures for post no 1 to work. You could tell them hospital has said no visitors for at least first 24 hours.

To be fair I had the same issue with my family, said no to first 24 hours, then ended up with a nightmare on my hands where on the second day over 20 people turned up, genuinely, family and friends,and they had to stand in the corridors. They just kept piling in. They didn't have to stand in the corridors due to hospital policy, simply only about eight could fit in the room st any given time, was bloody awful,

Just say hospital policy no for first 24 hours and your partner will update them on when visiting permitted.

SansaClegane · 12/12/2016 09:10

Just say no. Not gently, not politely if needs be. You have to draw the line now, don't make excuses like the hospital won't allow it, because then you're just postponing your problems to when you're back home.
Make your boundaries clear now as you'll be washed out after the birth and might not have the strength to fight it, and then you'll be miserable with people crowding around you.
Hope I'm not being too negative but I had this issue with my first, massive intrusion and interference from other people and I struggled so much after a difficult birth and adjusting to motherhood anyway, the first months were awful.

expatinscotland · 12/12/2016 09:13

I'd give them the wrong date.

ImYourMama · 12/12/2016 09:13

Do not be gentle!! After my C section I had a pad the size of a mattress between my legs, blood smears everywhere, and a catheter. You have around you who you want around you and nothing more. Bollocks to parents wishes, they have a lifetime to get to know your baby, those first few days are so insanely precious - keep them for you!

INeedNewShoes · 12/12/2016 09:14

I'd not tell them the exact date.

I have to be induced at 38 weeks. The only people who will know the exact date are my parents, and the friend who I hope will be my birth partner (I'm single) because I don't want the pressure of any visitors at the hospital apart from my parents who I want to be around.

Islacornx · 12/12/2016 09:14

I totally agree with Sansa
I know how difficult it is to be assertive and find a backbone but please do it for your sake for after the baby arrives! Just tell them firmly no, I didn't and my DD is now 7 months and my in laws try to take over at every visit! It's a nightmare and really stresses me out! So please be assertive now before the baby comes! Xx

megletthesecond · 12/12/2016 09:16

Don't tell them the right date.

I don't blame you for wanting time to yourselves. I did the same after my planned cs and it was lovely. Like sansa I had problems with too many visitors after my first cs and I still have issues a decade on, it ruined the first few weeks.

CalmItKermitt · 12/12/2016 09:27

Tell the midwives as suggested. Beggars belief that people think it's ok to ignore your wishes!

Sundaygal · 12/12/2016 09:37

If you haven't already told them, just don't mention the date or let them know that a planned section is in the works. If they already know then you and your partner will have to be firm about your expectations of them.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 12/12/2016 09:50

Definitely don't tell them the date, but if it's too late for that tell then it's partners only for the first 72 hours and you'll call after that.

my hospital does enhanced recovery for elcs and discharge after 24 hours providing all is well, so you could be happily home without them even knowing

Original poster

Ginger782 · 12/12/2016 10:11

Thanks everyone for the advice 😊 I'm actually not in the UK, and the private hospital I'll be in keeps csec patients for 5 nights. I'm going to have to suck it up and offend them. My husband is more than happy to act as gatekeeper, so that's a plus. Unfortunately I already made the mistake of telling my parents the date. I thought they would understand when I said we don't want visitors straight away! So that's my stupid mistake. ImYourMama had a good point - I can point out that there is plenty of time for them to get to know the baby later!

OP posts:

MuppetsChristmasCarol · 12/12/2016 12:07

Can't you just tell your parents that due to staffing issues they've changed your c section date?

Sparrowlegs248 · 12/12/2016 21:46

I didn't tell my parents the date of my c section. They were moving house the same day, and I don't cope well with my mum.in potentially stressful situations it's ALL about her

I think she's got over it, 16 months later.......

Fabulosososo · 12/12/2016 22:32

My mum was telling me that her friends daughter gave birth recently but they couldn't visit immediately as the hospital doesn't allowed visitors other than husband/partner. I know the hospital...she'd made it up...pure genius I think! of course I played along and said more and more hospitals r doing that now due to the shared wards being over crowded with visitors. You could tell them it's policy for the privacy of the other women and babies and act slightly put out by it. Although I agree with other PP that you are just putting off the problem. If they don't tend to listen to you this is just the start. You'll have all sorts of problems if you don't start to stand up to them now.

SanityAssassin · 12/12/2016 23:32

if they don't know they can't be there. Never told anyone about my CS dates until the baby was safely here. Nice surprise for people :)

Flip