what went "wrong"? why was the birth like this?

[pinknavy]

I had Ds on Friday morning and I'm still in abit of shock. It's my 4th and my previous were induced (no.3 I was in early labour by the time of my induction) and it was slow, painful but "ok". First was epidural, second it didn't work but it was 10.4 but I coped , third was long but again I coped on just tens , gas and air and pethadine. I remeber obviously being in a lot of pain , but I stayed somewhat mobile to near the end .

This time I had a bleed at nearly a week overdue so went straight in as I'd never experienced anything like that, was told to walk an hour to check the bleed and before my time was up I couldn't walk anymore. By this time I was pretty much in the waiting room banging my head on the wall (ie I was at the "given up on maintaining dignity stage") . Went to the labour room with a view to be going home to have early labour there, when it was just so intense. It was like the last stage of labour of the others, but at only 2cm. They gave me pethadine and I dozed a little but I had a semi dream I needed to push and was kinda delirious and was warping dreams and reality - I remember signalling DH to call the Mw and I told her that I felt like pushing but also I'd possibly had a lot of g & a (I didn't have conscious control on myself (??)) and it may be a dream. But then I have snippets of memory of two Mw, I remeber screaming ALOT and very seriously asking DH over and over to kill me. Then I have a dreamy memory that I was dead... With more snippets of memories of lots of screaming - I was still in the same position as when I had dozed off and 4 hours later roughly from me dozing off DS was born. I don't have 4 hours of memory though.
I can't get my head around it - why was it so so painful? Why did I go like this? I didn't pass out, DH said I didn't but I don't even recall looking at the Mw in all that time. It was like a bizarre drunken dream.
Just feel like I need to go through it - the sense of loss of control is really heavy on me. Ive ever heard anyone shouting like what I was - it was like a horror film and in a shy person so it wouldn't have come easy to me to be like that.

First of all, congratulations on the birth of your DS.

I wish I had some answers for you, but I didn't have a similar experience.

I do know, however, that at most hospitals, they do offer the opportunity to go over your birth with a midwife and they can talk you through it.

Perhaps contact the hospital midwife/maternity team and see if this is something they can offer you to help you to understand what happened. And hopefully give you some closure

I did ask a little - I thought maybe he was "back to back" or something but she checked the notes and he wasn't. Nor was he my biggest baby. They just said each birth is different, and I was so exhausted and confused I didn't really pursue with the questions.

Agree with where, you need a debrief with the maternity team.

I can't answer why it so painful but pethidine can cause that drunken, surreal feeling- maybe you reacted particularly badly to it?

You definitely need answers to all of this though and your obs teams are best placed to give them.

Sorry you had such a terrible experience but congrats on your baby

Have you had a reaction to pethadine before? I went like this during one of my labours not as bad as you though

Many hugs. Agree re debrief.
Sounds like a reaction to a drug.
Xx

It could have been that baby was back to back, then did a slow rotation to get himself into a more normal position. Or he was in an odd position that required a bit more jigging round than they would have normally.

Back to back births can be painful, and just long, especially if he's one that did a slow rotation. Pethidine may have sent you a bit loopy as well.

This does sound a lot like my experience with a back to back baby- could they have missed that perhaps? My first was back-to-back and it was terrible, terrible pain. I expected the same with DC2 and could not beilieve I was fully dilated with him because it didn't feel anywhere near painful enough! Also with the back-to-back DC, I had that weird feeling of not being present.

to you, and congratulations on your new DC! Allow yourself some time and headspace to get over the shock of the pain. Don't keep it in. x

I'd say pethidine. My birth with dd1 is v traumatic too but me debrief shows a totally diff story than my drugged up memory. Dd2 was del on no painkillers just G&a as I recalled peth can cause psychosis and despite agony it is a much. Better memory to me.

My hospital do a debrief service. A midwife will go over your notes with you. I would if I was you. I had a scary first birth but the midwife who delivered my baby found me on the ward afterwards and explained what had gone wrong (lots of things) so I had some closure

I had pethidine with dd I locked myself in the loo and couldn't open the door... I vaguely recall dh and midwives banging on door and desperate pleas to open it...but even now I can see how very far away the door was... Dh said I told him it was too far and I would have baby in the loo on the floor as there's blood and it looks comfy..

I have no memory of the door being removed from hinges or being manhandled across the corridor or dd being born as I reached the bed.. I vaguely remember being sent for a shower on my own and thinking I shouldn't be allowed out by my self...
When I came back into room my mum was holding dd and I thought what a beautiful baby and wondered who she was.. took a few hours for everything to really sink in really.

Had a c section for the twins much better birth

Sounds like a reaction to the pethidine. If you are planning on having any more, I would make a debriefing appointment to discuss it so that you can ask for it to be recorded, so you don't have it next time.

Each of my three births were completely different in terms of pain levels and my own physical response (my own experience of a back to back labour was nothing like this description, for example) but I'm fairly open in my expectations (understatement - I have no expectations at all).

It doesn't sound like anything to with the actual labour itself tbh, more like hallucinations brought on by a drug reaction.

Congratulations on the birth of ds. Be kind to yourself - it took me a long time to psychologically get over each birth (they were all alarming in very different ways) and I know how the mind keeps looping round. A debrief will help you get some perspective - book it for a few week's time and some of the shock will have worn off xx

I have had pethadine before but I think at a later stage and it just be a mix of fast labour + pethadine and possibly as you say back to back. I will ask the Mw when she comes tomorrow , it was all just so bizarre but it's reassuring to know it's not just me.

Pethedine is strong stuff. I read a whole imaginary newspaper on it, I think it is easy to lose time on it as well.

Congratulation on your new baby, concentrate on the baby and try to put the birth out of your mind until you are recovered a bit more, then ask for a debrief.

I had a similar experience of being out of it and losing hours on diamorphine.

I was out of it on pethadine too. I remember pushing the baby out in two pushes and a man with a very deep voice singing. Then hearing nothing so I asked the midwife if it was born and and she laughed and said not yet dear. My husband was giggling too. I still (in reality) had a few contractions to go.
I don't think I'd go near pethadine again, to be honest. Weird shit.