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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Elective Section - Why does anyone need to know?

21 replies

ChaCha · 29/01/2007 23:25

I have told my mum the date that has been my elective section has been scheduled for, this is because she will be caring for my 13 month old while i'm in hospital and has to make arrangements accordingly.
I do not want to tell my relatives or friends, in particular my ILs who will be wanting to travel up and meet grandchild asap - I would like everyone to know when baby is delivered, hopefully safe and sound. DH think i'm being unreasonable and that his family have a right to know so that they too can make plans (they happen to have a big party to attend the day after so he feels they should know) but my argument is had i have chosen a normal birth everyone would have had to have just waited anyway and to heck with their plans and anything else.
Am I being hormonal/unreasonable here, too OTT perhaps? I haven't even told anyone the gender yet as i just feel these are personal findings to us...
MIL wouldn't be happy if she thought we'd kept it to ourselves though... don't know what to think.
Thanks.

OP posts:

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MrsBigD · 30/01/2007 06:59

Hi chacha, nobody does need to know unless you choose to

As for MIL... you could always tell a little fib and say it was an emergency c-section?

MrsBigD · 30/01/2007 07:01

p.s. and so what if you should be hormonnal... it's your pregnancy, your delivery and you should be able to decide what you do and who to tell .

The other solution is of course you can tell all those relatives who would like to come and visit asap that you are having an elective and will need at least 4 weeks to recover before you can entertain a larger number of people. 1 or 2 to do the housework for you is ok but no more

DaisyMOO · 30/01/2007 07:34

Do you want your ILs to visit? It sounds as though you don't want to tell them so they won't have a chance to rearrange things. If that's the case, that's fair enough, you shouldn't have to have them visit when you've just had surgery, but maybe you should be upfront with your dh and tell him.

I can understand why you want to keep it to yourself, but I think you are potentially adding loads of hassle to your lives - if they find out you kept it from them they will very hurt and uif you tell them it was an emergency you may have to keep lying about why. I think if you know they have a big party that they will have to go to some trouble to get out, to keep it from them is actually quite unfair. Yes, I know that this could have happened if you'd gone into labour spontaneously, but that's not the case, you do know the date already! I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but you did ask

DaisyMOO · 30/01/2007 07:37

Meant to say, I think it's completely reasonable only to tell those who need to know and not friends, neighbours, random shop assisstants

lulumama · 30/01/2007 07:53

my POV...

i do know someone who had an elective, did not tell the in laws...who had a 200 mile trip to get there, and they felt a bit left out, as it was their grandchild too and one set of grandparents knew and they didn't....so i can see DH's POV for this...if it might cause upset for DH and his parents..esp when they find out it was elective...might be worth telling them, but asking them not to tell anyone else at all.....

AllBuggiedOut · 30/01/2007 08:21

Only you can choose whether or not to tell them the date, but if I was in your position I wouldn't lie about anything, even if I did decide not to tell them the date. You could explain it to the ILs exactly as you have here and hope they understand. Part of your decision about whether to tell them the date or not will be how you think they will feel about having to cancel going to the party at short notice when you could have given them the chance to apologise in advance. DaisyMOO is absolutely right that if you pretend it was an emergency, you're potentially creating lots of hassle.

ProfYaffle · 30/01/2007 08:25

Chacha - i've got exactly the same dilemma with my parents. My pil live closest so they will know because they have to look after dd1. My parents live 250 miles away and, as you say, will want to be in hospital with me the second dd2 makes an appearance. They are quite overbearing and ott and tbh I don't want them crowding us at first.

Personally I would like a week at home with just the 4 of us before we get any visitors and I don't want anyone to see me in hospital (this is what we did with dd1)but I don' think that's realistic this time round.

dh and i have decided we will lay down rules for when pil can come into hospital for a short visit once I'm up and about. We don't feel we can ban them altogether as they are very kindly looking after dd1 for us. They're quite reserved people and won't want to visit in hospital for very long anyway.

We've not told my parents yet that I'm having an elective. Once I've got the date booked dh and I will figure out when we feel it's reasonable for them to come, and tell them when they can come down. We'll tell them not to come while I'm in hospital and use visiting hours as an excuse, ie, they won't see much of the baby as they'll only have visiting hours.

tbh I will need Mum and Dad to help out even though they'll drive me mad while they're here so I don't feel I can be too restrictive about when they visit but we can negotiate a convenient time.

Original poster

ChaCha · 30/01/2007 09:02

Thank you for the replies.
Definitely have no intention of lying to anyone just wanted to keep the date to myself so i don't get bombarded before i've even had a chance to make myself presentable IYSWIM. Last year I had an emergency section and ILs were up visiting and in observation for ages. They followed us up to the room and stayed for hours on end, it was quite exhausting so i think that if i'm to tell them the date i'll have to make it clear that i don't want visitors until we're both settled and ready - just hope this doesn't cause more problems!

Profyaffle - Hope it all works out for you too. My ILs sound a bit like your parents - overbearing at times (not so much FIL but definitely MIL) but i do love them and don't want them to feel left out - just think they should be more considerate as to when they visit.

When can family actually visit post section - does anyone know? Surely not straight away. Thanks.

OP posts:

amidaiwish · 30/01/2007 09:07

sorry but i am with your dh.
it is their grandchild... i am not suprised they want to come and visit. Is it just that you don't want them to stay for long?
Your dh needs to handle this. He has to tell them you have had surgery and a new baby - they can visit for just an hour, no more.

DaisyMOO · 30/01/2007 09:16

I think your dh needs to be quite firm tbh and say that you need some time together as a family before they descend on you and I think it will come better from him than from you, as he's their son.

When they can visit will depend on the hospital and when you have the surgery. I had an elective CS about 10.30am and had visitors by late afternoon. Many places will have rules about how many visitors per bed, often just 2 excluding your other children, so you can point out that whilst they're there your dh can't be, which isn't fair on him etc etc

Hope it goes well. (Makes me thankful for my ILs who didn't visit my dd until she was 6 weeks old )

Original poster

ChaCha · 30/01/2007 09:41

Think that's what i'll do. I'll leave it to DH to explain that they are welcome once i've seen to myself and baby etc.. My previous section was done at 6am last year after 23 hours of failing to progress so hopefully i'll actually be better and more prepared this time. Think it comes down to wanting to preserve a little self respect post op, can remember not wanting anyone to see us until cathether was out, hair brushed, teeth cleaned, washed etc.. but then, an emergency section was a different scenario.
Daisymoo - We have other relatives (one v.close one) who didn't visit at all, it was us who had to make the effort so i can sympathise with you too. I appreciate friends and family who want to be there, just want it all to be 'normal' if that makes sense and to give myself a chance to recover. I will leave this now to DH.

Thank you.

OP posts:

lulumama · 30/01/2007 09:42

an elective will be a lot less traumatic than your previous c.s, i am sure you will feel a lot better and more presentable,! make sure you take your hairbrush and make up bag xxxxx happy birthing x

amidaiwish · 30/01/2007 09:47

to make you feel better with dd1, I had to go to visit my ILs, when baby was 2 days old!!!

nogoes · 30/01/2007 10:02

I can see where you are coming from but I can also see your IL's point of view too. I would want to know if a member of my family was going in for an operation for no reason other than I could give them some positive vibes and if you don't tell them they will probably end up worrying unnecessarily. So I think I would tell them after all they are still going to be surprised by the sex and weight etc.

uwila · 30/01/2007 10:06

Amidaiwish, I can relate. But it was one week post emergency section ON FRICKEM MOTHER'S DAY. It involved a 2 1/2 hour drive.

I do think that if you tell your parents and not your DH's parents, then you are bound to be the subject of much resentment for years to come. It is much better to say, the section is on this day, but I really don't want visitors until we are home. Please come round on day y. You might offer that you will call them as soon as the baby is born. And perhaps call them first and let them know they are first. Might buy you some peace for a couple of days.

Aloha · 30/01/2007 10:09

I think Uwila is right - if you tell your parents but not your husband's parents you are setting up a heirarchy of grandparents and a them and us situation which will cause hurt and resentment. I do understand that you want to keep them at bay, and your dh should make it clear you want a few days on your own, but this is when I do, for once, feel a bit sorry of mothers of only boys in that you do seem to become the lesser grandparent if your son has babies rather than your daughter. I don't mean that as a personal criticism of you, btw.

Original poster

ChaCha · 30/01/2007 10:40

Aloha, you make a very valid point, one that i haven't taken into consideration. I never really thought of it as the 'lesser grandparent' but that's quite how it can be perceived. Thanks for that

at having to visit relatives so soon! I am lucky i suppose.

OP posts:

uwila · 30/01/2007 10:55

For me that was the first child. When I had the second one I declared loud and clear that it is the mather'splace to be visited. And I wouldn't be travelling anywhere until I felt like it.

Anyway, good luck with your section. Perhaps you could give the inlaws something constructive to do... like the cooking and cleaning. It sounds a bit like they want to be involved. So give them something you don't want to do. Oh like bending down to clean up the toys. Now, there's a nice in-law job.

madmarchhare · 30/01/2007 11:01

I think you should let them know, but just lay down some rules as to where and when you want visitors.

If you let your parents in though, it wouldnt really be on to not let your DHs family visit.

Aloha · 30/01/2007 11:05

I do think it is hard for many of us when what feels like a very private, personal thing - having our baby grow inside our bodies and be born - is a public event. I empathise with that completely. But I can also imagine how upset I would be if my son had a child and I was kept at bay. It is a real emotional minefield.

BlueberryPancake · 30/01/2007 11:46

I am also having a planned c sec and will tell the planned date in laws and the family. I have no problem with that but I have good in laws though, very nice and friendly.

After the birth of DS1, which ended up in emergency section, I made clear to everyone that we didn't want any visitors in the first couple of weeks, and no visits after that for a while unless they'd come with a meal and had the intention of doing the washing up. And I didn't care if I wasn't presentable, it's their choice not mine. Same rule this time - if they come and visit they will have to take DS1 for a walk in the park to give us a break, and will have to bring a meal and do the washing up!!

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