anyone not had a birthing partner? how did you cope?

[Bee182814]

I'm due to have dc2 in about 4 weeks time. For one reason and another, it's a strong possibility that I might have to give birth without DH. There's no-one else I could or would ask in his place. I've been doing yoga this pregnancy and when I'm feeling calm I don't feel scared about giving birth again (traumatic birth with dc1) but it gets to the end of the day when I'm tired and I have the time to think about it and I panic and think I can't do it again, and especially if I'm labouring on my own for a while at home with nobody to take DS from me for a few hours or whatever, I'm really panicking about the logistics of it, getting to hospital in time, not getting upset in front of DS etc and am curious as to how others did it?

Is there nobody else at all? And why can't DH come? Unless he is a soldier in the army or in hospital himself I can't think of ONE reason which would be ok?

Their first child? I'm presuming that's why be can't come.

No advice I'm afraid but I'm in the same boat. DH works sometimes at the other end of the country and if baby comes earlier than expected he may well be away when the time comes. Obviously he'll leave ASAP to come home but travelling by car in traffic on a Friday can take up to three times as long as normal so I have to be prepared for him not to make it. My mum can have DS so that's not a problem but I may have to go to hospital and labour alone.

Have you thought about hiring a doula? They'd be able to be your advocate and support.

I was on my own for all but the last 20mins with dc2 and to be honest I think had dh not arrived for the last 20 I would have been fine, I just got into a zone with it. However it was all very straightforward, had it not been I would probably of wanted him there to support me or be an advocate. My friend's dp couldn't be there for hers so she had a friend- maybe you could ask a friend or another family member?

Angelic no. She forsees labouring at home with "nobody to take DS from me"

So that does not suggest her DH is there at all.

So there are really two issues (sorry for drip feeding I was trying to not go in to much detail)

DH is never less than two hours away, either by train or car. Traffic and trains can be really unreliable. He's booked several meetings a week up to and beyond my due date at the other end of the country which obviously I'm furious about but it's done now and can't be rearranged.
The second issue is that MIL has offered to have DS but in reality may not be able to take him. She is incredibly stretched at the moment looking after other GC’s, sick elderly relatives, working, all very valid reasons why she may not be able to despite being very local. So I’m thinking if DH does get back in time he might have to stay home with DS.

My family aren't local and are all men except my sister who I’m not close to and who is very young still so I wouldn't ask her. They are all away for the month of August anyway so not an option. I don't have any other female family members. My few friends who are local are all heavily pregnant, have small children or work so it would be a really difficult one for them to manage with childcare etc.

I think I’m more thinking of a) the logistics. Do I get a taxi to hospital? What if I leave it too long and can't drive? And b) will I be able to keep my cool by myself? I'm determined to not have epidural this time as long as no complications. I'm worried I will panic once the contractions start and will let myself down and just cave in.

Gosh I see why you're worried. I think part of your stress is coming from the not knowing...that it could go any way.

In your shoes I would be always thinking up the various possible scenarios and trying to plan...because I'm a planner and get stressed when things aren't set in stone. Are you like that?

If so, I advise that you plan out all you possibly CAN plan. Anything that you can control, get it done now so that you have at least SOME certainty.

So you could think about looking up someone who won't mind being on call just to give you a lift to the hospital.

Get a short list of people other than DH or MIL and speak to them about this...tell them your situation and ask them if they wouldn't mind being added to your list of "possible lifts" over the week you're due.

Explain that you may not need them but you also MAY and it would be good to have a lift if DH or MIL can't do it.

I had my last four children without a birthing partner and tbh I preferred it. Dh looked after the older ones so I felt happy that they were ok and it was easier not having to think about or talk to another person. The midwives were very attentive because I was alone but in actual fact in labour I just retreat into myself so don't want or need interaction. Dh turned up at some point after the birth,I enjoyed that time just me and the baby.

Why not consider a home birth? It would save you having to stress about a lot of things you've talked about.

If I was in your shoes (and if I could manage without an epidural) I would aim for a home birth and have a doula as a backup as well.

How would your sister feel looking after your DS while you are in labour?

Yes violet thats definitely him panicking is because of the lack of planning! I will try and chat to a couple of friends this week and see if theres anyone who might be available. I love making lists, it makes me feel safe!

Insan - I really like the idea of time relaxing with the baby after birth and think I would be okay with knowing ds was with dh etc but I think it's the not knowing who he will be with. If he goes to MIL I will be panicking about how soon I can leave hospital so as not to burden her etc. It's good to hear positive stories of people getting in the zone though, that's really what I'm hoping for. I had a very difficult birth with DS though and occasionally feel anxious about it I'm worried I will just forget everything I've learnt and be a wreck!

I'm also interested to hear at what point people felt they had to be away from the older children? My DS is only 2 and I worry that I might scare him if I'm not coping?

Socks - I can't have home birth due to previous complications. My sister isn't in the country for the next 6 weeks (I'm due in 4) and doesn't live locally and is too young to be in charge of a toddler - she's a teenager!

At 2 he won't be able to tell what's going on OP. He won't have the social skills to know you're in pain....if you get to the point when you're making a noise, then you need to be on your way to hospital.

If that happens just tell him it's a game...who can growl the loudest!

I say growl because that's the noise I make when I'm in labour!

I sound like a sea cow crossed with a wolf.

Oh Bee that's a shame.

Maybe tearing a strip off your 'DH' for booking those meetings might help you to release some of the anxiety

I hope it all goes well for you

I am kinda in the same situation op - my Dh is working five hours away by car and plans to take paternity leave around my due date, but if I go into labour early then he won't be here (I have the car so he will be relying on public transport to get him here).
My dm will be looking after my ds, and she is the only other person I could ask.

I asked my midwife about getting to hospital, have you spoken to yours? She advised me to ring maternity triage (sp) and they will arrange an ambulance to get me to hospital.

I asked about a taxi, she said if I was calm enough to get into a taxi I probably didn't need to go to the hospital yet.

I'm writing a birth plan (because we all know how full proof that can be!-) and sticking it to the front of my notes - this worked last time oddly enough, I think it might be unusual to do this so everyone involved in my labour had a read (and probably a laugh).

I will pack a birth bag in the next week or so and then cross my legs and hope for the best.

Well done on doing the yoga with a toddler - I to meant to but after running about all day after my toddler I never got round to it.

That's,a very good point violet thank you!

Thank you all for your practical suggestions and sharing your experiences!

I did as my induction went faster than expected.

Honestly by the time I was pushing I actually didn't know who was in the room by the pushing stage.

I had an extra midwife & meant I had more 1:1 time with DS after.

It is doable.

That's interesting Running, I didn't know they would book you an ambulance! I will chat to my midwife on Friday about it. And also good point that if I'm composed enough to call a taxi it's probably not time yet!

Honestly the yoga has saved my sanity this pregnancy. It's been my only real time away from DS all pregnancy, I don't know what I would have done without it!

Could you phone round local childminders and start sending your ds to one even if it's just 2 hours a week?
My cm will do overnights for women in labour so could you look for someone local who will do that for you and start getting your ds used to the cm now so it's not an unfamiliar situation when you need to leave him.

I'm pretty sure there are also country wide agencies that you can use to get registered childminders while you're in labour or for last minute emergencies you can find through a Google search

Snore - that's a very good point..my DS goes to a nanny share a few hours a week at another families house... She had said she would be on call however the other family have had a change of circumstances and don't need her much throughout the coming month and have told her to get temporary work which she has done but it's in another town about 30 mins away (more in traffic) and she can't fit all kids in car so I would have to drop him off. It's in the opposite direction to my hospital too. Were also giving the nanny notice this week as there have been a few issues so we've decided nursery is the more reliable option so it could be a bit awkward!