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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Doulas.........need to make an idiots.....ermm sorry husbands......guide to them.......

15 replies

fannyannie · 25/01/2007 07:44

what they do and how they can help me (and him). Don't want him to feel I don't think he's good enough (especially as it's DC3!) as I do - I just want the extra support of a Doula there.

I know I could just direct him to one of the many websites which explain brilliantly what they are, and why they're a good idea - but I think some of it may just go over his head - so I want to make my own "Husbands basic guide to Doulas" which won't risk harming his male ego .

How would YOU explain to a clueless DH what a Doula is and how they could help you??

OP posts:

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viclb76 · 25/01/2007 08:49

As a Doula we are there to support families through late pregnancy,labour & delivery and during the post-natal period.
A Doula will inform you of all your options about the type of birth you want and help you to achieve a positive birth experience.
We do not advise or judge.
We support you and your partner/husband throughout your labour and delivery in what ever way we can.We can be your voice (if asked)to express your wishes,be there for you so that your husband can take a breather or get a cup of tea.There are many ways we can help.
There are no set rules to what a doula can do to support you,though obviously nothing medical.We take each birth as it comes offering practical and emotional support to suit both of your individual needs.
Is there anything your husband is concerned about ?
If so,a Doula can help him to deal with this and help understand what is happening e.t.c
If you want to take a look at my website www.freewebs.com/vickylb
it may help him to understand a bit more about the role of a doula.
There are lots of other doulas on here so I'm sure you'll get alot of help from them also
Good luck and keep us posted on what you decide to do
viclb76

Original poster

fannyannie · 25/01/2007 10:24

thanks for that - I already know what a Doula does - I've got one coming to see me for an inital chat on Monday (something that was arranged when it looked like DH and I were splitting up) - but I want to break it to him gently - as I'm not sure how much he'll "get" about the concept of one - and why I want one.

OP posts:

viclb76 · 25/01/2007 10:36

Why not say that you're doing it for him.That you want him to feel fully supported and you don't want have to worry about him also.

LittleMamaT · 25/01/2007 11:46

As a doula, when I meet with parents-to-be for the first time it's usually the dads who need convincing that having a doula is a good idea - mums usually know they want one.

They do have fragile egos (bless them) and understandably don't want to feel like a spare part at their baby's birth. I always acknowledge this (obviously without mentioning the male fragile ego!!) and explain how I can support him too in the following ways:

Staying with mum if he needs to get some fresh air, go to the loo, sleep, etc

Explaining anything which he is unsure of or is worried about, maybe something the midwife says or does.

Showing him ways he can help his partner - massaging, stroking, physically supporting her so he feels useful.

Just being a calm, reassuring presence and someone to talk to - especially if labour is slow and the midwife leaves you alone for long periods of time.

The main thing is to reassure him again and again that a doula is there to support you both and would never try to take his place as the mother's birth partner.

Hope this helps a bit.

Dinosaur · 25/01/2007 11:49

I had one for DS3 (didn't have one for previous births).

DH was fine about it - he realised with DS2 birth that the support he was offering me wasn't quite what I needed - and also we wanted reassurance that if he had to stay at home for a while with DS1 and DS2 until someone could come and look after them, I wouldn't have to be in hospital on my own.

Booboobedoo · 25/01/2007 12:08

Advantages to having a doula:

o Shortens first-time labour by an average of 2 hours
o Decreases the chance of caesarean section by 50%
o Decreases the need for pain medication
o Helps fathers participate with confidence
o Increases success in breast-feeding
(Findings from "Mothering the Mother" Klaus, Kennell & Klaus, 1993 )

HTH

lulumama · 25/01/2007 12:14

means he can go for a wee and a sandwich, while you are in labour , without abandoning you..!!

and what everyone else said !!

cheritongirl · 25/01/2007 12:27

I had a doula with my first LO 3 months ago and my dh was very sceptical at first but would now say that it was the best thing ever to have had her there.
He says that it was such a relief to have someone else around who knew what was going on and could support and reassure HIM too! And it meant he could relax into supporting me without panicking himself. Also meant he could go and sleep when he had been awake with me for 20 hours and no sign of baby!
I guess your DP might be more relaxed tho seeing as its dc3...
We were at home too and in the end don't think dh would have been happy with a hb without the doula. best of luck!

MarsLady · 25/01/2007 12:41

FA if you want to email me lovelymarslady at aol dot com then I can direct you to my site which (like so many others) is written in plain language. You can vet it before deciding to direct him in its direction.

The only problem I can see with your "idiot's guide" is that you may leave out the bits that "sell" it to him best. Of course you could also direct him to www.doula.org.uk there is a wealth of info there.

choosyfloosy · 25/01/2007 12:48

The big pro for me and my dh I hope when we looked at having a doula was having a woman who had experienced given birth, but who had no big emotional investment in us (i.e. my mum!) in the room.

I don't know if the job description for a doula actually includes 'having given birth' but I certainly had the vague feeling that that was one of the qualifications. For me it had the potential to remove some of the fear of the unknown, both of the birth process and just having a midwife i'd never met before.

Also my dh was keen on having somebody who would come to the house and talk to us in our time. He came to antenatal classes and was an excellent partner throughout but I think would have enjoyed the convenience and privacy of someone coming to us.

In fact we didn't end up having one as the only one I could find who was available didn't click with us. That was fine. I just thought you might be interested in what made my husband feel positive about the possibility.

Original poster

fannyannie · 25/01/2007 16:20

this is all fabulous thanks - gives me something to 'work' with when I speak to him tonight

OP posts:

hertsnessex · 26/01/2007 11:56

Im going to see a client tomorrow whose dh is a little 'pushed out'........so i shall be taking along a 'treat' for him, as part of his 'birth kit'..........a mini bottle of whisky should calm them down!

Original poster

fannyannie · 26/01/2007 13:15

thanks everyone - I spoke to him today - and although he's not jumping at the idea - he's said he's not in the slightest bit against it. Think when I meet her initially on Monday it'll just be me (he's talking about going out to work early) and TBH as long as I get on ok with her I'm not too worried - DH is so easy going he gets on with anyone!

OP posts:

viclb76 · 26/01/2007 18:08

Glad it went o.k for you

MarsLady · 27/01/2007 00:07

herts... hope it goes well... and he won't need a treat lol! Give me a call if you need to.

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