Delivery suit PTSD?! 10 years on?! What should I do?

[freakedoutlady]

11 years ago I had a horrific drawn out hospital stay and birth in a poorly managed, busy, nightmarish hospital. DS got away with a crushed head (from an unnecessary forceps delivery ) and survived poor care that came close to causing serious harm. I was upset for a good while but got over it (or so I thought). Had DD at home 2.5 years later as a result. Blissful homebirth in urban area in easy flashy-light distance of hospital if something went wrong.
11 years later, 35 weeks pregnant, new partner, new area I today had to go to the delivery suite of the hospital I'm booked in at to get a quick ECG. Went there not worried. Interested to see what hospital is like. First time on a delivery suite since my DS 11 years ago. 11 YEARS!. My heckles went up instantly. Then a lady came in wailing in labour. I found myself bunched over, rocking, with my hands on my ears. Then managed to walk off. Was sobbing, shaking mess. Never experienced anything like it.

I want a homebirth but I'm 35 mins now from a hospital. Wanted a hospital birth to be on the safe side but I KNOW that if that's my reaction then I can't labour somewhere like that. It was beyond fear. If I experienced that in labour that fear would stop me coping and I wouldn't be surprised if the birth stopped altogether and I ended up with a cascade of interventions, maybe even leading to history repeating itself.

What the hell happened to me in there and what should I do?

God you poor thing! That sounds horrific.

There is a Birth Trauma Association - www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk

Might be worth getting in touch with them in the first instance for some specialist advice?

In terms of your upcoming birth, if it were me I'd be focusing my attention on a home birth - you sound like you have really positive memories to draw on. 35 mins to hospital really isn't long I don't think. It wouldn't worry me having a home birth at that kind of distance especially if you've had a good HB before. Our hospital is probably a similar distance or more in traffic.

Is there a midwife led unit compromise available? So in hospital, but not hospitally.

Thanks ladies. Thought about it all night and have decided as long as my growth scan on Friday shows no problems, I'm going to try for a home birth. Only thing that worries me is cord prolapse but googled and that is 1 in 200.
I know i've got the best chance of coping at home as I did 9 years ago. So reassuring to hear that you dont think 35mins is too far. It's good roads so would be even quicker in an emergency.

I'm shocked at how terrifying I found that place after over a decade.

Do you know anything reassuring about cord prolapse?

Why are you worried about cord prolapse particularly? I think it's more common if you have a low placenta perhaps? You could check at your growth scan?

Did you try the birth trauma org? I think you should at least make your midwifery team aware of your reactions and see what they can put in place to help you. It is probably something they will have encountered before.