Want only my mum during labour, not OH.

[wombat57]

Hi all,

Obviously nowadays in most cases it is your OH, who is with you during childbirth.

But, lately I started to think if he would be the right person to be there. He wants and he is wonderful, but I am not sure how he will cope. Not for because how gross it can get - he saw me gross. But of the way he deals in a stressful situations. He can be selfish and concentrate on himself much more, than on me.
I just know the way he is. He can not sit still, he is impulsive, he fidgets, and can never shut his mouth up, if I say something upsetting (being upset or in pain or hurt myself). He always turns attention on himself and his hurt feelings... Also, he "doesn't like to be treated as a dog", meaning "go get me this or take this, or don' t touch me now" doesn't go well with him.
And during contractions I do not think I will have the patience to "darling, would you be so kind and give me water" treatment.

As I am planning to try to go for a VBA2C, I'll have to go without epidural or pain relief. I will be in a lot of pain. It might be long and exhausting... And I am thinking that who I really want to be there is my mum.

My OH wants to be there, but he wants to be there to see the birth of his child. Not to help me and be there for me.

Problem is, here you are allowed only one person. And if I go for a VBA2C, the more I am thinking about it, the more I want my mum.
I need someone who will concentrate 100% on me, not on himself.

I told him about my doubts, and had an exact reaction I expected: so what about me??!!

I would have been much more inclined to have him there with me if he said "baby, I know myself, I am an ass sometimes (a lot of the times), but during your labour I will try my best to be on my best behavior, and will act as an adult, understanding what you are going through, and that it will be the time I will give my 100% to YOUR attention and would solely concentrate on YOU".
Did NOT happen.

When my dog died, in my arms, I cried like crazy. Absolutely unbearable pain. Kids were in the house, I was with the dog outside (vet gave him a shot, dog was 16 years old and very ill with cancer), I wailed and wailed, he came out to check on me (good intentions) but I told him through wailing to go and stay with the kids, I didn't wan them to see the dog suffering and dying, he exploded and I ended up trying to calm him down.

This is just to explain on his inability to be empathic to what is happening around is not always about him.

He is a great hands on dad, but during the childbirth and a possible long labour, I want my mum there.

Thank you for your replies.

We talked, andeven though he is hurt, he understands my reasons.

I hope I will manage to get two people, then it will be better and he will be able to participate in the process.

The dog thing actually made me wonder if you sometimes push him away when you are stressed? I assume he came outside to support you? But did you allow him to comfort you at least a bit or did you send him straight back inside? He shouldn't have exploded but it does sound like he may have been trying to support and felt rejected. There's nothing wrong with wanting your mum there if you feel this will work better. Could your mum and DP swap at the pushing stage so that he can see the baby being born? I think it will be hard for him to not be allowed to see the baby being born. Good luck!

If you are in a loving relationship and having a baby with someone they should be there. The baby is his too, yes you are the one in labour but it not all about you. Deny your partner the opportunity to see his child being born is wrong.
You should sit down with him and explain what support you will need.

Did anyone RTFT?!

It's completely up to you who you have there. It is NOT wrong to decline to have your partner present. It is your labour and your body.

So I looked up your other threads and I can see that he is a recovering alcoholic who has been physically abusive to you in the past.

So yes, you should choose your mother over him.

Well said AnotherEmma

Girls, thank you for your replies.

We talked with him and he is supportive of my choices. He knows how he is (can't sit still and will not be able to get through 18 hours of "go get me this" and "don't touch me now! - why you are not massaging my back as I told you" treatment. That is just the way he is. He knows he has insecurities and problems with self confidence and we are working on it.

Will try though, when and if I will be close to pushing stage, he will be allowed in to see the actual birth and cut the cord.
(If I do not choose the c-section).

Mum also said she will be there, if that is what I want. And it makes me super happy.

About him being a recovering alcoholic. He is sober for 6 months now. Completely. He had a 2 glasses of wine, on separate occasions, and that is where it stayed. He does 18 hours days, including taking the kids in the morning to school so I can sleep in (every morning), and shift at the restaurant never finishes earlier than 11. So, bed time is 1.
Yes, we HAD huge problems. So huge that I had to kick him out.
But, we love each other. And both of us decided, that our relationship is worth fighting for.
And I never regretted giving him a second chance.
Yes, there are some emotional issues we both are working on. But, every day when I fall asleep in his arms, I feel happy. And sure I did the right choice.
Stupid saying - love conquers all. But, I think in the rare cases, it does.

"Girls"?
I'm not a girl.

If he's only like this when he's stressed, what's going to happen for the first six months of the baby's life when every day is stressful?

Needing him to help you won't necessarily end after the labour.

What if you need a c section and need to ask him for things because you can't move easily?

What if it's the middle of the night and you're both nearly in tears with exhaustion and you need him to pass you something?

I know it's not what you asked but the fact he is difficult during stressful situations doesn't bode well for the first few, stressful months of having a newborn together...

I thought that with my Dd. They were both there but my ex-nurse mother pissed everyone off, got in the way and kept telling me to scream when I had no desire to. My oh, who I thought wouldn't be able to handle it was amazing and in the end i only wanted him there. He kept me calm.

Your mental wellbeing and the wellbeing of your child are the most important thing during a birth. Its sad that you dont want him there and he will probably understandably be upset by that but at the end of the day you need to do what you think is best to get the baby born safely. If you seriously think it may be very traumatic for you and you will need the support of your mother then you should have your mother as a birth partner. xx

positive thoughts wombat as you move forward with this fellow.
my dd has ask me ex nurse to be with her for her next vbac (hopefully) rather than her dp alone.
i'm torn on the issue but agree a woman who has been through l&d is often time better than a dh sitting in the chair staring blankly and wondering about his work emails on his blackberry.
in a perfect world i will be able to coach him to be more helpful, present to rub the back get pillows and step back when the little one makes his or her way into the world.
have them both if not together have your mom leave once the pushing is well established and the head moving down well.

Wow AnotherEmma you really are laying into this woman aren't you?!

I hope he can be supportive when you need him to get you things, or help you with baby after they are born. I would be worried that if he can't support you in labour (when you need lots of love and care and is the start of the bonding and child rearing process) than how much will he be with you after, particularly emotional support? That would be my worries Xxx

I think it is really sad he can't be there...tbh lots of red flags - not sure I would want to be with a man who couldn't be supportive during tough times. I would have left for good after the dog thing. Also personally as a grown woman I would feel infantile needing my mum instead of the father of my child and the birth. As others say how on earth is he going to cope with the first 6 months. Harsh but maybe he needs to move out until he can cope