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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

In laws want to come to stay before and after birth

38 replies

Annie105 · 13/05/2016 18:32

My in laws (well MIL really) have suggested they come to stay the night before my c section and for a couple of days after, they live just under 4 hours drive away. My own mother lives abroad so is a 2 hou flight away and also wants to come to stay. I love them all dearly and they all get on very well but is it crazy to have them all stay with us? My husband thinks we need our own time to bond , and for me to recover physically, which I do agree with but I do feel id like my mother here for comfort and experience and it would be mean for me to exclude his parents from staying? Thoughts or experiences?

OP posts:

Moogajoo · 13/05/2016 23:17

My God NO!!

It is quite telling that MIL invited herself. What is she like usually? If they ruin your postpartum time you will resent them forever for it. You absolutely can never get that time back. If you have even an inkling that they will not be totally supportive towards you as a family then just don't do it. Too many stories of extended family baby hogging and expecting to be waited on. Wishing you the best for a peaceful birth and recovery and really hope you enjoy your first days together as a family unit.

Luckystar1 · 14/05/2016 06:46

Yes I too would add a word of caution as to what they (including your parents) will constitute as 'help'.

No one gave me even the slightest sniff of practical help when DS was born, they say around wanting to hold him, while I was trying to feed him.

There's also this (usually unspoken!) pressure for you to let them hold the baby (who is often sleeping or feeding during those early days!), which is actually really annoying as you almost feel like you have to wake the baby up (DON'T DO THIS!) to give everyone a 'go'!

LuckySantangelo1 · 14/05/2016 07:04

Another one saying no! This is time you will never get back. Hunker down with your husband and baby and just enjoy being together & bonding with the new arrival. On a practical level if you are going to bf you will also be sat with your boobs out for hours, frequently latching on and off in order to get it right. I personally didn't feel comfortable with my massive post partum boobs out in front of everyone but that's just me.

Good luck. I had a great recovery from my CS & I wish you the same.

Lalalelele · 14/05/2016 12:27

OP relatives can get very 'overexcited' selfish when a new baby arrives. You wont have the energy to handle difficult people or repeatedly ask them to do or not do xyz so you need to look honestly at your relationship and decide if your relatives can manage their own behaviour when overexcited. If there is any history at all of them ever overstepping lines or lacking respect limit their contact with you in first 2 weeks after a baby. Alternatively if DH is very good at laying down the law with them that might work but tbh thats still not ideal as DH will also be very tired and needing to focus on you and baby not unruly relatives. There's an old thread that describes a few experiences where relatives have lacked the ability to listen to the mother and to respect their needs. I wish I had read this before DC1! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/childbirth/2411075-Was-anyone-upset-with-their-relatives-after-birth

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 14/05/2016 13:22

Your mum gets priority straight after the birth because you might want her there to mother you. Don't worry about unfairness - your DP isn't having a baby so there's no comparison!

timelytess · 14/05/2016 13:25

Say no to the in-laws, and if you want your mum there and can get her, go for it.
You are the mother, you get to say, everyone else gets to suck it up. Remember that. It will stand you in good stead for the next 20 years. After which, you'll be the grandma, and it will be your turn to suck it up...

KnitsBakesAndReads · 14/05/2016 18:48

I hated this! I felt mean not wanting to let people hold the baby as I totally understand why people want to, but I felt like crying when he was sleeping happily with me and I had to hand him over for other people to hold. Crazy hormones after birth probably exacerbated it too.

And don't even get me started on the visitors who stood over me and actively tried to wake him up so they could hold him sooner.... Probably unreasonable of me but I honestly could have burst into tears or pointed out he's a baby not a toy over this.

KatyN · 14/05/2016 21:43

My mil stayed a week after my daughter was born. She was incredible looking after my son but also ensured we ate three meals a day and I spent the rest of the time in bed. She did all the laundry, cleaning etc
This isn't what she normally does, she's nice but I wpuldnMt expect her to do chores in my house.

If they do come maybe ask specific things for them to do, like bring dinner (we kept this rule going for nearly 6 months that any visitors had to cook it was brilliant). It is also handy to have someone to hold the baby while you have your 15th bath of the day because it's the nicest place for your stitches. (Actually no idea if that's allowed after a cs). Good luck! K

Quodlibet · 14/05/2016 23:37

You need to base your decision on what company YOU think will be useful/good support when you are in a very vulnerable state. You will (likely) be some combination of intensely hormonal, weepy, elated, shattered, leaking bodily fluids from several places - whilst trying to get your head round the biggest change of your life so far. If the thought of being in that state and also having to make polite chit chat with the PILs (whilst probably wondering if you are leaking blood onto the sofa) brings you out in a cold sweat, don't do it.
DEFINITELY don't have the PiLs to stay because it would feel 'mean to exclude them'. Your needs come first here.

MusicIsMedicine · 18/05/2016 00:25

Don't do it.

That first bonding period is for your new family, baby and parents.

Greyhorses · 18/05/2016 07:27

I didn't want anyone there but me and DP.

Mil wouldn't leave us alone and now whenever I look at her i remember how shit she made me feel in the week (actually no,hours) after birth. My own mother annoyed me too!

Don't do it!

Dozer · 18/05/2016 07:33

Your plan sounds good: have your mum on standby and PiL waiting a good bit, DH can share pics, skype etc.

My DM was great with me but interfered a lot which stressed DH out big time!

Bfeeding (if you plan to try this) can be challenging for some and others people being around might not help how you feel, eg I had my boobs out a LOT in the first days after CS1 as we had some problems, and was in pain, bleeding etc. was glad FiL and BiLs were considerate and just popped in briefly!

Original poster

Annie105 · 18/05/2016 11:41

Such amazing advice ladies!! And I'm going to follow the general consensus which is don't let everyone come and stay, see how I feel post section and get my mum over if I feel I need her. In laws can nip down for a day then mother in law can come stay at a later date when husband is back at work and I'm up for a duration of a stay and my own mum is no longer about. Although all I'll say to them for now is please let me see how I feel!! I know they are all just so excited and if they lived round the corner I wouldn't have this issue, actually in fact it might be worse as all the extended relatives would drop in constantly!! Lol!!

Thanks all!!

OP posts:

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