Advice for dealing with a traumatic birth one year on

[Moomintroll85]

I'm after some advice if anyone has any. I had my first baby just over a year ago and it was pretty awful.

I was overdue so induced, no progress, my epidural failed (despite the anaesthetist trying to resite it twice) and didn't get anywhere trying to push. I ended up with a spinal and an EMCS (which was a huge relief at that point). DS was a big baby, nearly 10lb and I'm quite small so I guess that was part of the problem, though I'm not really sure.

DS was fine, as was I - I did lose a lot of blood in theatre but recovered ok. I'm still feeling very traumatised though. I wasn't treated badly, I was actually impressed with the hospital, but I have nightmares about it, get into a panic and cry about it often and just finding it hard to come to terms with really.

The thought of doing it again terrifies me, but as an only child who always wanted siblings I do want another child. I worry I wouldn't get an ECS for whatever reason but I feel that's the only way I could cope.

I feel a bit embarrassed about it as everything turned out alright, I know many women have had much worse and I haven't had PND or anything like that. I'm just wondering if it's worth speaking to my GP? I have a good GP but don't know if they would be able to do anything. Or the hospital, I hear I can request my notes or go over them with someone - if anyone's done that was it helpful?

Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post!

Please don't feel embarrassed about how you're feeling! Your birth sounds similar to mine, and it is a rollercoaster. I felt shell shocked for a while afterwards and I think it's completely normal to feel the way you do.

I didn't have a birth debrief, but many people do find them really helpful. You can ask questions and you might find out things that help you understand what happened. I had a doula with me who took detailed notes, which I read some weeks afterwards. It was very helpful to put things into place.

I had almost the exact same labour experience as you except I was induced due to waters breaking. I was tearful for about three weeks and now mostly deal with it by blocking it out. The obstetrician came round to see me to debrief and was lovely but said she couldn't tell me why the baby didn't come out, she didn't know. I felt like such a failure. Strangely it doesn't stress me out that much any more to think of what will happen next time as I have read a million times on here that all births are so different. My views on pain relief have also changed 100 % too so I won't feel like a sell out next time around. My only stress would be if I am allowed to choose between vbac and elcs, I'm sure I will have doubts about what's best etc. I wonder if a good vbac would help ease the emotional pain. But to be honest I think I would prefer another c/s even with the increased risks and recovery issues. Are the guidelines not that if you have had a section you can choose to have another? I guess it might depend on where you live. Me I think I'm resigned to feeling like a failure at childbirth anyway now so I may as well drop out. ....
As someone who has been through the same as you, you have my sympathy.

And though I believe that full debriefs have been helpful to others, I bawled my way through reading my very detailed notes so I don't think it's for me. For me, more time, and just knowing I'm not alone, will be more helpful.

It's so sad that anyone feels that they have "failed" at giving birth. It's not a thing that can be passed or failed, and one birth is just as valid as another.

Thanks for your comments.

Culture thank you I think I will find out about the notes, I don't know if it will help but I feel there are a lot of blanks for me with what happened. I was so out of it on all the pain relief going (though none of it was working!).

Slalom sorry to hear about your experience, you're right it is reassuring to know that others understand. One thing I don't feel about the birth is a failure - I don't like all this pressure on women for a natural birth and no pain relief. Fair enough if that's what some people want that's great but everyone is different, every labour is different and it's not for me. I simply couldn't have done it that way as no matter how hard I tried my baby was not budging.

The consultant I saw for a check up 6 weeks after said I could choose an ELCS or a VBAC next time but different hospitals may vary I guess and I'm moving in the next few years so will likely use another hospital if I have another baby. The thought of a VBAC horrifies me so I hope I could get the choice elsewhere too.

I had counselling and hypnotherapy to help me deal with my horrible first birth. It really helped.

I've just given birth to dc2 with only gas and air which l never thought l'd do (still hurt like a mo-fo!) But it was a quick labour and birth and has helped put a positive spin on child birth for me.

Having said that, if l could have chosen a cs l absolutely would have.

I had a fairly traumatic first birth. I was offered the birth reflections service to go through my notes with a midwife. At the time I said no as I felt more or less okay and was busy with my new born.
When I got pregnant again 2 years later I went back to them and asked if I could take up the offer of going through the notes. I wanted to know more now especially as I was going to be doing it again.
The midwives were wonderful. It was very very helpful and I found out things I didn't know about or had not really remembered clearly. I was glad I did it and it helped me prepare for the birth of my second baby.
I had a very positive, calm elective c section for my second baby. I knew exactly why this was right for me and all went well.

you cant "fail at giving birth" any labour that results in a healthy baby and mum is a successful birth no matter how traumatic

There is a Supervisor of Midwives on call for every hospital and even though it was a year ago you can contact them anytime. I would give them a ring and give them a quick summary of how you feel and ask them to come in for a chat. They will pull your notes and go through them but if you feel you don't want a complete minute by minute rundown of it just tell them that and instead go with a list of questions about why certain things happened and what would have changed them etc.

They can also have a chat with your previous consultant about next time and whether they would definitely be happy to offer an elective section and a copy of the summary of your session and conversation would go in your notes so when you do become pregnant again that would be seen before any plans for your delivery are made.

I would definitely ask for a birth debrief, and seek counselling. I had CBT after the birth of my first child (for trauma prior to the birth, rather than the birth itself) and it really helped. I was able to put aside my fears about having a second, and the techniques helped me cope with all sorts of other difficult things too.

I had a traumatic first birth that affected me badly too. I tried to get help but as it wasn't PND the health professionals thought I was fine (don't want that to sound like PND isn't really important to look for but it seemed they were only looking for that).
Fast forward to my next pregnancy, massive pressure to VBAC. I broke down in one appointment and got referred to a councillor. It turns out I had PTSD, hence the flashbacks and being hyper aware,nightmares etc. I had emdr (eye movement therapy) and am now OK.
I give birth in 2 weeks and although I'm not going to lie, I'm scared I'd say it's a normal scared, like any other pregnant woman. Not the intensity it was before.
Two frustrating things were my hospital never gave up my notes so I'll never get a full debrief and I've found the VBAC pressure intense. Finally signed off ELCS today at 37 weeks. I had to be very strong to get one.

Hope this helps somewhat, good luck

Thank you for all the advice, it's really helpful and good to hear I'm not alone. Reassuring that some of you have had less awful experiences second time around. I think I will go to the GP and see what they say and ask the hospital about my notes.

Possum congrats on your newest little one! Glad you had a better experience this time round. Abbeyroad all the very best for the arrival of your baby, great news that you got the ELCS you wanted.

Thank you
I hope your GP is helpful. I forgot to say the birth trauma association website has some useful links regarding getting your notes etc www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk

Thanks Moom

Just posted about this on another thread but really wanted to reply to you. Had a similarly traumatic birth and EMCS two years ago. Tried not to think about it too much afterwards, but it was only when I got pregnant again and started bursting into tears at every midwife/scan appointment that I realised how much it had affected me.

One of the midwives suggested I go to something called a Birth Reflections clinic where they went through all of my notes, discussed every stage with me, and basically were just incredibly sympathetic (and recommended that I have an ELCS this time, to take away any fears I might have about things going wrong again). It was SO helpful. Sounds like you have a similar thing at your hospital so I can't recommend it enough