DP or DH's role during childbirth?

[lioncubofcintra]

I assume that most expectant women prefer to have their DP/DH to be present during the birth. What sort of things would you expect your partner to do for you during the event? Did you find that having them there was helpful? Also is there anything they shouldn't do?

I had my third child after splitting up with their father, in the end I had just me and the midwife and a student. It was brilliant.

Long labours. He got me drinks and food, got me to hospital, ensured no-one tried to part my knees, interpreted for me, massaged my neck and head for about 8 hours while I was in the birthing pool - almost worth giving birth for that alone - and more practically, could run out of the room and shout for help when we were alone, and get absorbent mats to put under me when I was incapable of getting to the toilet.

Also he could hold ds when I was busy puking after birth, and with birth 2, he had a stack of cardboard bowls for me to throw up into.

Invaluable - and telling all the postnatal staff the second time they'd better look after me properly or else, probably helped a bit too.

DH didn't do much, but the support just from his presence there was huge. We discovered at our NCT classes that I did not react well to having my back or head massaged, so he knew not to try - I think he would have tried it, as i know he felt a little bit unneccessary, but he knew in advance not to touch me unless I asked for help! He helped get me in and out of the water bath, but was mainly just there... I let him bring the newspaper to read, so he did that for a while and stayed out of my way!

Definitely an advocate. I quickly became incoherent and my DH prevented me from having a c section (in a safe way I must add!). I know that without him they would have knocked me out and taken me to theatre and I would have been so upset. He also reminded me I was having a baby when he said "I can see the head!". I was so absorbed in my own little world I had completely forgotten what I was doing until that point.

My DHs role during all 4 of my labours was to be a bit of a runner, fetching tea, food and anything else I might have needed. Also there for emotional support and a hand to hold come the big push

Couldn't think of anything I didn't want my DH to do as I know that if things hadn't of gone well, I would have trusted him to able to make the best decisions for me.

Dp was there the whole time through a very painful, very drawn out 28 hour back to back labour. (6 weeks ago) He timed contractions, rubbed my back, helped me to the bathroom when I needed the toilet, fed me percy pigs and sips of lucozade, and was an amazing advocate when I needed to up the ante with pain relief (I had agreed with consultant that I'd have an epidural and the hosp really dragged their feet with it) Baby was back to back and I have a spinal condition which made contractions excruciating, without him I think they would have just kept giving me morphine to shut me up.
He asked lots of questions and when I got to pushing he told me how much he loved me and how proud he was. No cheerleading... Unfortunately ds got stuck and I ended up with a series of rapid interventions but he again, helped make sense of what was happening so I didn't feel totally out of control at having things 'done' to me. (Ventouse, Big episiotomy, big 3rd degree tear,) and then when DS finally decided to make an appearance, we had a room full of people as he was in distress so DP stayed with him to make sure he was okay (We had a Cardio and a Paedatrician checking him - he was fine) but I think he took cues from me looking mildly terrified when all the people turned up, briefly said who they were and started doing 'stuff' to my baby while I was in stirrups having arts and crafts applied to my wrecked downstairs. After that he got in and out the shower with me, dressed DS, changed my Mat pad, helped to the loo etc. He was absolutely amazing throughout, and I was worried he'd find the experience too gory, or just too much, but he was brilliant. We didn't attend any classes beforehand, but I did get him to read the Expectant dad's handbook which I think helped a bit.

Speaking to him afterwards, he said it felt like it went on forever, so I guess that's something to bear in mind, it can be a seriously long haul, and the waiting around for things to happen is endless. /checks on progress, waiting in mat assessment, waiting for monitoring, waiting to contract regularly enough for pain relief, waiting to get dilated to a certain point, waiting to see an anaethestist, waiting to see if waters broke, waiting for a consultant to view a trace, waiting for a bed etc etc. The non stop waiting is frustrating, (Esp if you aren't the one sucking on the G&A to distract yourself!) - So I think I'd advise anyone going in as a birth partner to be prepared to wait around. A Lot. Take books. Don't live update social media. Don't eat anything stinky next to her. Don't clock watch. These things don't run to a schedule. :)

Oh goodness, DH was a god send. I had SPD when pregnant with DS and knew that lying on my back would just about finish me off. Unfortunately DS had to be monitored all the way through labour and the midwife needed to strap monitor to my bump. She was amazing and didn't care what position I was in...so long as she got a constant reading. So dear dear DH spent 9hrs holding the bloody thing in place while I crouched over the side of the bed.

That and force feeding me fruit juice to keep my failing energy levels up sufficiently to avoid a cs.

In my wildest dreams, I'd have neither dh or DM there. Just my bff. However that would not go down well in rl. Oh well.

Dh was there to hold my hand and just generally keep me distracted from my own crazy thoughts. Considering I was high as a kite, he had to make a lot of big decisions during labour because I couldn't.

He knew what I wanted and what to say yes and no to. He'd slept for 3 hours in the previous 40. But he made sure I was looked after.

In my first labour DH spoke for me when I was too exhausted. He also encouraged me when I doubted myself during a long pushing stage (DD was back to back it turned out!)
In the second he kept me calm when my labour went much faster than I expected and let me hang around his neck when I was pushing so I could be an upright as possible. And didn't complain once even though I'm sure it wasn't much fun.
In the third he massaged my lower back for ages so I could remain drug free as long as possible, helped me into the birthing pool for the main event and helped haul me out when I passed out following a PPH.

He's a great birthing partner

I just wanted him to be there to see his children come into the world. Its a huge moment for him too. Of course he rubbed my back when asked and handed over a drink. I wouldn't expect him to second guess what I need or follow a birth plan for me because I know well that even my own wants and needs changed throughout my labours. I would expect him to stand up for me if I was expressing a want or need during the labour and people weren't listening. But mainly his purpose was to be the father of my children and to be as happy as me to meet them.

I didn't really consider DH's role in childbirth other than us both wanting him there the moment our babies came into the world. His job was to tell me what sex we'd been blessed with, cut the cord and take a bajillion photos and walk around with a big grin on his face.

With DS1 I had a doula for my hypnobirth - DH mostly sat in the corner, ate jelly babies and enjoyed the gas and air until I asked for him, at which point he'd take over from the doula.

DS2 was a night labor and I had an epidural so he mostly slept in the chair at the end of the bed and intermittently checked in with DS1's sitter. He was most upset to not have gotten any gas and air this time.

It felt that he was more "useful" the second time as after the first I was bouncing around like a loon, felt amazing; DS2 arrived at 6am after a long day the previous and not much rest even with the epidural, so after taking DS1 to preschool, came back to help me shower once I had the use of my legs back, got me dressed and helped settle me into the recovery room with a huge cup of tea and some breakfast. I definitely felt the tiredness the second time!

But infinitely more useful after the birth of both of them, bringing food, getting coffee, delivering chocolate and magazines and changing nappies.

I don't think my DH even had a role. Just to be there to see his children arrive in the world, that was all.

He was very supportive though, even though I could tell he was pretty shocked too see what childbirth actually entails.

I was untraditional in that I didn't actually want to have DH with me... In my head I saw childbirth as a very primal and sacred experience in its own way, and didn't see why I would "need" him... and from the moment my waters broke until 36 hours later of labour, I would probably say that I didn't need him.

But then things went wrong. The baby's heart rate was dropping, no midwife was in the room, and I was leaking green stuff. I'd watched enough One Born Every Minute to know things were wrong - and that's when I needed him. He called for a midwife, within five minutes I had a whole team of people around me, taking my clothes off and putting me in a gown, and all I could see is my DH in the background mouthing "it's okay, it's okay". I was rushed to theatre and the bloodbath happened trying to save DS (they did), and I'll never forget my DH crying his eyes out as they handed him our son.

So for all my ideas about not needing him... I'm actually rather glad he was there in the end. I think that, if it had gone the other way, and things had turned out badly for either me or DS (nearly lost both of us that day), I'd have forever regretted banning him from the room.

DH was amazing during my labour. He kept me calm when I was trying to weigh up my options (I was trying to decide whether to go to the birthing pool, or whether I needed diamorphine - in which case would have had to stay on land).

He passed me the gas and air tube when I was in the water.

When I wasn't in the water (I had to get out partway through as wasn't progressing quickly) he was constantly rubbing my back.

He passed me water and fed me Haribo and put music on for me.

He talked me through my moments of panicking that I couldn't do it by being firm and calm and telling me that I could.

He stayed by my side the whole time (aside from a bit earlier on where he had a little snooze) and held my hand, right to the end, even through my episiotomy (which I thought was pretty brave of him tbh!).

Honestly, I couldn't have asked for anything more. I really don't think I could have done it without him.

There was no specific role for him planned, just to be there and support me as and when it was needed.

With dd he was quite bored during the whole thing until she was actually born so for labour number 2 he prepared some films on his phone etc. As it turned out ds was in a bit of a hurry and DH actually delivered him in our living room while on the phone to the ambulance operator. All quite dramatic but he did amazingly and I'm so proud of how he coped with it.

He wasn't much use and I would have managed fine with just the midwives. He slept through a lot of labour. It was nice that he was there for our babies being born, but not essential. He is very old fashioned and extremely squeamish, I think he would have preferred to be elsewhere.

No idea why he was coralled into cutting the cords- it served no practical or symbolic purpose for either of us- and my OH found it gruesome.

My dh did nothing and was no help for first 3 so with dc4 my eldest daughter was my birth partner. She only did things like pass my phone and chat but was very good at holding baby at the end and it was a great experience for her. She was only 10 and was much better company than dh????