Ok, information as unbiased as I can it and to the best of my knowledge:
Am pregnant with my second and am anxious about birth, my first labour was pretty bad.
Anxiety is a health consideration in its own right. Which ever route you go down, if you are anxious enough to consider requesting an ELCS its a pretty big clue that your anxiety is significant enough to merit support and taking seriously. An ELCS is currently being pushed in a lot of circles as the solution, however I really don't believe this is correct.
The issue should be more about addressing concerns by examining them in detail. This may enable some women to resolve issues with extra support, options being given to them, good communication and listening to what the problem is. It may well be that some find a home birth a way of dealing with things, for others a detailed and robust birth plan which the hospital, knows, understands and respects, for others it might be breaking a normal hospital 'rule' or two to accommodate needs. Basically individualising and tailoring care to suit the needs of a woman. If done well it can help women face a VB despite their fears. For others who continue down the ELCS route, it is still a crucial part of tackling the under lying anxiety.
Its good that you clearly have been referred, but it does should like instead of listening, the consultant has done more talking at you.
Generally at the heart of a request for an ELCS is the desire and need to be more in control of the situation. Ultimately an ELCS might not necessarily offer that to an individual for various reasons depending on what they feel they need to control. The key is to find ways to empower women and give them back the control they feel they need regardless of how they eventually end up giving birth.
For this reason there are women that find subsequent VBs a healing process having initially requested an ELCS.
Recovery was painful and after a nearly 30hr labour I felt like I'd been hit by a train
I had an ELCS for anxiety. A text book ELCS. If I am honest, I think it was more painful than I'd expected, and I did feel very out of it for some time. I don't feel my experience was reflected by comments I've seen online about an ELCS being a breeze. Don't automatically assume it will be easy or less painful.
I had both a big, nearly 10lbs, and long baby so I'm sure this contributed to the forceps delivery.
Quite probably. However the question you now need to ask is about this birth and how likely it is you will need forceps again. Just because you had them previously, doesn't mean you will again even with a 10lb baby. Most damage is done during your first vb. Having done it once your body is more likely to be able to stretch without the need of forceps. Equally second and subsequent babies tend to arrive quicker. Unfortunately no one can give you a crystal ball and tell you this definitively. They can only give you statistics on the likelihood of this.
Anyway I just don't want to possibly go through all that again. I had an apt with an obstetrician today and I feel like they completely dismissed my concerns as my first birth was apparently completely normal!
This is more of an issue. The Birth Trauma Associate make it very clear that Birth Trauma is COMPLETELY in the eyes of the beholder. That is, even a 'text book' VB can be traumatic to someone going through it, and that thoughts and feelings should never be dismissed just because everything 'went right'. Equally someone who had a very difficult birth ending up in lots of complications, may not necessarily be traumatised by the experience. Its more about how different individuals react with different situations and they ability to cope with that. It is crucial that women are listened to and their feelings given value otherwise if they have been traumatised they are liable to become more anxious.
I was given lots of negative facts about sections and was told there was a chance I could die! I understand that can happen in rare cases but surely the same can happen in natural childbirth?!
Yes this is true. For both. Deaths from CS in the Uk are exceptionally rare. They majority happen with unscheduled surgery not ELCS though. There however is a huge problem with data and how that data is being presented. An EMCS is a consequence of a planned VB so when researching and presenting the risks of a VB the risks of an EMCS should be included. However the methodology of a huge number of studies is flawed and compares VBs with ALL CS's, rather than looking at data for planned ELCS separately. The effect distorts information and is misleading.
One of the things you should be aware of though, is the physical risks to the mother and baby are different for first time mothers compared to mothers having their second child. Once you have had a VB the risks drop, whereas if you had a CS first time round they actually increase. This does mean that statistically, if you have had a successful generally uncomplicated VB first time around that you are safer to have another than go for an ELCS. Especially if you are considering another child in the future. Like I say, though that's the physical risk. I think that the psychological risk should also be considered too, and its poor to completely ignore this factor. Its about balancing risks across the board.
I was also told that pretty much all sections involve forceps so I can't avoid them
That's an arse of an consultant using his medical knowledge to beat you with. Yes the use of forceps is common in CS. DS was delivered with forceps via an ELCS. However the mechanics are completely different and the consultant will know this. If it reflects anything it reflects an attitude that your well being is unimportant and secondary to the baby, when both are important.
that second babies being bigger was a complete myth
There is some limited evidence to support the fact that second babies are bigger, but it depends on a lot of factors including the gender and isn't always the case. I don't think its significant enough to assume that you will definitely have another 10lb baby. Its possible, but having given birth to a 10lb baby previously, they are likely to keep an eye on this (though scans for size are notoriously inaccurate).
and that recovery is much worse. Is this all true?
It depends. A bad VB could be worse than a straightforward ELCS. An EMCS is likely to be much harder than an ELCS because you've laboured first but its a consequence of attempting a VB. Again crystal ball time.
I appreciate recovery may be harder because I wouldn't be able to lift and that it is major surgery but I just feel like the consultant was throwing everything at me to put me off.
I suspect they were. However I was surprised at just how hard my straightforward perfect ELCS was.
Also can I insist on a section if I decide I want one?
Technically no. The NICE guidelines advise that anyone who wants one should have one, and if a consultant refuses they you should be referred to one who will. UNFORTUNATELY, not all hospitals agree with the guidelines and don't follow them. You do not have a right to an ELCS.
However, mental health is a legitimate HEALTH reason for an ELCS. Though not recognised by all Trusts yet due to exception ignorance and a lack of political will to do so, despite NICE's considered recommendation and acknowledgement that it is a health issue.
Ultimately it depends on the individual consultant you come across and the policy of the hospital you are at. It shouldn't be the case but it is. There is a wide disparity of care between hospitals. At some you will find it very easy, at others a massive battle. Many consultants are under considerable pressure to reduce CS so try and put off as many women as possible at least initially. (Interesting, some consultants seem to be less obstructive at subsequent appointments having 'got the message across that its a big deal' at the first. Though some are still just utter twats).
My advice is this:
Examine you fear. Pull it apart. Write down every single thing no matter how small that bothers you. If you can understand what exactly is driving your fear, you might be able to find ways to tackle those elements rather than going as far as an ELCS. The theory of eating the elephant bit by bit rather than eating it whole. Go into your birth trauma appointment with it. Look for alternative ways to deal with your anxiety. It does not mean that this closes the door to an ELCS. It merely gives you other options to consider which you might not be aware of.
No two people are the same. This is about you and your needs. There is not 'right' or 'magic' solution. Just one that's right for you.
Go to appointments with your partner if you possibly can. You are more likely to get a more positive response judging by similar threads on the subject. It seems that its easier to be dismissed if you don't have back up. Rightly or wrongly.
Be prepared. Do some homework yourself. Read up on the NICE guidelines. That way you are a bit more empowered and less likely to feel 'railroaded'
Don't be afraid of crying if that's how you feel. It is NOT a sign of weakness but reflection of the extent to which is it affecting you.
Good Luck what ever route you decide.