Parents/in-laws visiting - very long and boring, sorry.

[macneil]

My c-section is booked for 1 December. Unfortunately, due to husband's job, I am going to have this baby in Canada, away from my family. My mum is going to come the night before and stay for a month. My dad is going to come in a few weeks and spend Christmas with him, he doesn't want to be in the way, and will be staying in a hotel - I think maybe my mum will transfer to be with him if we're doing okay. I am crazy about my mum, absolutely love her, and wish she could stay forever because I know she'd just cook and clean for me.

Of course, the in-laws want to come too, and I'm fine with that, but they are hard work. They've found all the flights from 1 JANUARY are really expensive, and I feel awful asking them to stay away longer than that. But my parents are a bit weird with other people, and I hoped to have just my mum around for the first few months and I didn't want an all-family Christmas. My husband knows it would be awkward. They're very different sorts of people - my parents are quite shy and reserved, they're louder and more sociable. They'd be very happy to spend Christmas altogether. But I spent last Christmas with my in-laws, I sort of feel it should be my parents' turn, but on the other hand, I think my in-laws won't see a reason we can't all spend it together. And I'm afraid I will be exhausted and won't want to worry about parents getting on, and stuff. Also, I fear mother-in-law's version of helping (she only has sons) will be looking after the baby while I do the cleaning, and think she doesn't understand the difference between having your mother helping and your mother in law helping. I had a lot of operations as a child and my mum was always with me, it just seems natural, not like favouring one particular set of parents.

However, in-laws are VERY easily offended and have never forgiven me for not having a white wedding and other stuff. So I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable again and breaking their hearts again.

Does anyone have any opinion on this? Should I bite the bullet and have them overlap and if they don't get on it's their problem? I would really like some recovery time before my mad in-laws come, they mean well, but they are really hard work. Can I really get away with demanding they wait a WHOLE MONTH before seeing their grandchild (not their first, husband's brother has kids. Still, that hardly matters...)

I think a month is too long, but I do see how awkward it is for you.

Can your in-laws come while you're in hospital? Then they'd have to stay in a hotel, they could come and see you for a bit, but there are visiting hours, etc? Do remember that this is your child's grandparents - you don't want their relationship soured by asking them to stay away for weeks.

I think you need your husband on your side here though - and he needs to stand up to his parents and say "ok, time to go now, Macneil's tired and sore from her op, see you tomorrow". If you have them soon after the baby's born, you can have Christmas with your parents - surely your ILs wouldn't want to stay a month?

I think a month of your parents without your in-laws being allowed to visit will certainly be viewed as favouring your parent, even if that is not your intention.

A month sounds a very very long time to me - my friend who had a caesarian 10 days ago is more than ready for visitors etc - especially close family.

If you don;t want to make it Christmas then just plan it in either side - that way you don't have to fuss about Christmas itself.

And don't forget - your parents' lack of ease with other family members is their problem not yours so don't let that get in the way of your in-laws meeting their new grandchild

Basically, I think you're both right, it is fairly unreasonable of me, and it is crazy for me to try to protect my parents from, like, speaking to other people. Reading my post back, I do look like a bit of a maniac. Okay, I shall tell my in-laws maybe to think about coming in the second week of December, when it's just my mum here, and I can still claim tiredness, they can get a cheap flight and go back happy. It will be worth it in the long run. As long as they don't make my mum eat with them every night...

Thanks, by the way, for your common sense and perspective. Sorry to keep bolding words, must get hang of italics.

macneil, just remember that when they all turn up, it really isn't your problem to worry about them all. If it feels like they're not getting on and it worries you, send them all out on errands while you rest or have time on your own with the baby. People like being useful around a new mum and of course they all know what it is like to be a new parent, so they know how tiring it is. You need to worry about you, and your husband and your baby, not about family politics or anyone else.

Sorry, this sounds really bossy, but you will have enough on your plate to worry about your families. Also, it really surprises me how two families who don't really get on can be brought together by having a baby born into both. However shy your mum and dad are, they're likely to get really animated talking about the baby and really want to talk to your in-laws about it, so you may find you're worrying about nothing in the end.

Argh, offered in-laws the earlier slot. They now want to stay twice as long, for two weeks. I think this is really going to kill me off. They're already cross with my husband because he goes back to work the new date they'd be going back and won't be able to give them a lift to the airport, they'd have to get a cab. He said the last time they stayed with him, they complained all the time about him not arranging enough things to do with them. I know the baby will take some of that away, but I am now fairly terrified...

Reading this I am a bit envious that your inlaws want to come all that way to see you. Mine are only 25 miles away and don't give a sh*t about me. I had csect in May, had 16 month old toddler, no close family and they never once offered to come, help, shopping, take toddler to park etc. My recovery took ages as I was doing too much even when trying to do very little. So please try to see the positive side that they are coming all that way and you might think that them holding the baby while you sort a bit of washing etc isn't such a bad thing! I know I'd have been very grateful! Alternatively, you could suggest, that as they are now not able to get lift to the airport, they might want to come a bit later, when baby will be much more 'interesting' ie not the teeny floppy stage. That you will be much more up to taking them around and doing stuff when your 6 weeks post op is up? That you will be in a routine and not frazzled from new babyness and lack of sleep? And that of course in the meantime you will send them email pics and video every burp and nappy change. If its your first baby I think you're very brave to think of them coming over for an extended stay, think of all the 'advice' you'll be getting

"think of all the 'advice' you'll be getting "

Hehe! Well, it's not going to kill me, or my parents. We're just going to have to get used to my father in laws booming false laugh waking up the baby, and him telling me I'm doing everything wrong, as that's the way he does everything else. It's just going to be one big holly jolly Macneil family Christmas month!

Are your in-laws planning to stay with you? I can totally understand why you wouldn't want a house full of people, when you've just had a baby. Surely they can see that you, the mum, are likely to be tired, hormonal and in need of your own mum rather than entertaining in-laws?

I guess they might think it's a long way to go for just a week, which I think is fair enough. Could you compromise and say that if they want to come for 2 weeks, at least part of that time they must stay in a hotel/motel? If they can't or won't do that, then they will just have to put up with a week's visit.

I do feel for you. I have a similar problem in that my parents are very different from in-laws and I would rather gouge my own eyes out rather than have them stay for two weeks. Frankly, more than a few hours is enough for me

Oh well at least its only for two weeks... you can just keep going upstairs to 'feed baby' and fall asleep up there for ages which was my trick. Also because I BF and they are not comfortable with that, I usually find that if I start fiddling with my clothing as if I'm about to feed is enough to send them running for the hills. If they are going to overlap with your dad, then why not spend the time before your csect sorting out things for them to all do for a few hours a day, leaving you alone with mum then they can come over at other times? So they get a sightseeing AND grandparenty trip. Don't forget to get some time for you and DH to be alone with baby either!

If father in law has a loud laugh, you now have a legitimate reason to tell him to shut up. Don't fight the maternal instinct to tell them to get lost when necessary, and also get dh to do it. They're his parents and he needs to help! Believe me, nothing you say can offend people when you are their route to seeing their grandchild, particularly when you have the tired/hormonal/emotional excuse.

My sister has really horrendous in-laws (her husband doesn't get on with them either) and having the kids has been a real release for her because (a) she feels justified in telling them to shut up, calm down, go away, because there is a reason other than she just doesn't like them and (b) she holds the babies, and if they want to see their grandchildren, they have to be nice (my brother in law, after one particularly horrible incident, told them they weren't welcome again unless they apologised, which they immediately did, and started behaving much better).

I can sympathise on this one. My in laws live about 5 hours away (not the same I know) but will always stay for 5 days minimum. They are really lovely in some ways but very frustrating in others. They have their routine and it takes them ages to get up and about, and MIL is quite manipulative. FIL is also very loud. I've found since having children that I am very firm about how I'm bringing them up and have no qualms about saying no to them (they now ask if they can give her sweets etc) and just let the rest wash over me. When they came over when DD2 was born, I gave them jobs - laundry and cooking. Sounds awful (I sound like a right dragon) but then they could get on with something and feel useful and we didn't have that awkward "Can I do anything for you?" and you having to think of something and then ending up saying "no it's ok" then secretly seething they're not doing anythign to help.

And believe me, with a new baby (especially if it's your first), you will be glad of any help. And to make you feel better, in those first few weeks, babies sleep so much and so soundly, even the noisiest FIL would have trouble waking them up.

It is a difficult one but my thinking is that by the time Xmas comes baby will be 3 weeks old and the fair thing to do would have both sets of parents there. I know that might not be what you want to hear but by Xmas you will more than likely be pretty sorted and I agree with Soaapbox that even if it is not your intention your Ils are likely to take offence.

My Mum sounds a bit like your Ils and I think now that your baby is on the scene it might be time for you to tackle the issue of their visits. My Mum lives abroad and has to stay and her idea of helping is redoing stuff i've already done on her last visit I said if she really wanted to help me she could do the stuff I had little time for (like cleaning the fridge, oven, microwave and stuff like that which gets a bit neglected

Also, when they arrive have details (leaflets, print outs of webpages) of places of interest and stuff they can do without you, and make sure you let them know when it will be for you to ferry them about and the whys and where fors of public transport etc.

You've got to be cruel to be kind (to yourself)!!!!

Couldn't you suggest they make a holiday of it too. Come and stay for a few days, then go off sightseeing and then return for the last few days? I do agree with others, that you are worrying about things that are not your problem - like how they will get on etc. I think try not to let it get to you just now, and if there are issues that you cannot ignore when the time comes, get your DH to deal with them.

Thanks for all the advice! All parents, apart from my mum in the first two weeks, will be staying in a tiny B&B round the corner. I'm a bit scared they'll be spending all day round here (it's a very little flat, no upstairs), but am emboldened by all your suggestions that I can boss people about and tell them they need to go. My husband says the last time his parents came to stay with him for Christmas, it was in America, they complained non stop about him not doing enough to show them a good time and arrange outings with him, and although it seems insanely unlikely that they'd do that with a newborn grandchild around, you just can't tell, because as I said, his dad is already getting angry about him not being able to take him back to the airport because he's working that day. His dad is the kind of person who needs to be constantly thanked, but doesn't thank anyone, who constantly reminds you how much he's done for you and makes a big deal about giving money as a present - presenting it in a big ceremonial way - but, like, when we come back from Canada at Christmas usually, with all our huge bags, exhausted, he'll get angry if we don't bring him duty free brandy, even if it's cheaper in Sainsburys (which it is, so I always secretly get it in Sainsburys now).

I'm sure my OH could complain about my insane parents for just as long. Except he's really nice about them... he's just nicer than me. But all men are bad about telling their parents off, I think, so we'll see how this goes.

I shall be blaming hormones for any flipping out I do, and remembering all your wise words, and I feel good about having given them the chance to come when they wanted, because it means at least I've done the right thing. So, many many thanks!

Your last para sounds just the right attitude. I think you sound more confident about things which is great. Good luck with the birth.