I'm 17 weeks pregnant with DC2 and it's really only just hit me that I'm going to have to face my fear of giving birth again.
Sorry - this is a long post....
Giving birth to DD three years ago was one of the most frightening experiences of my life. It was all going well - I'd used a TENS machine to labour at home and was 6cm dilated by the time we got to hospital. Then got in the birthing pool as planned and it all seemed to be going well, with me using gas and air and breathing techniques.
But the midwives hadn't identified that DD was in the back to back position. When they did establish that she was, I was at the pushing stage and they encouraged me to get her out naturally. I was pushing for two hours and ended up getting out of the pool and trying to deliver her on the floor. But it was still no use. She was basically stuck. It's all a bit of a blur for me but I remember feeling terrified. The hospital was very short staffed and the midwife kept having to leave us to try to get a doctor to come and see me. Unfortunately, there were three emergencies in the maternity unit and I was told that we were not classed as an emergency. For about 15 minutes at a time, DH was the only one in the room with me as I was pushing DD out (she kept crowning and then going back in).
Eventually, docs and an anaesthetist came and I was prepped for a C section but then heart checks showed that DD was in distress and I was given a quick injection 'down below', and episiotomy and a ventouse to get her out.
I remember her birth being very brutal as she was 'yanked' out - that's how it felt. DD arrived safely and I am thankful for that. But she was very bruised and I felt guilty for what she'd been through - it wasn't the peaceful water birth I'd planned for. I suffered damage to my coxyx and had physiotherapy for months after to help the pain.
A consultant midwife came to speak to me a week or so after the birth. She said that no mistakes had been made and that, if DD hadn't been back to back, I would have delivered her no problem.
But I've realised now that the birth had quite a powerful effect on me. I ended up with postnatal depression and had counselling. I'm fine now but the fear of giving birth again - and going through another experience like that is terrifying me.
I realise that some women may read this and say 'That's nothing compared to what I went through'. In a way, I feel worse for being so badly affected by this because I know that some people have worse experiences.
I'm seeing a consultant in a month's time because they want to keep an eye on me due to my weight (my BMI is 18 and they say this is a risk factor) and I am wondering whether I should mention this to her when I see her.
I don't feel able to tell my community midwife because she was a bit dismissive when I saw her for my 16 week check.
A friend of mine told me that if I am really scared, I could ask for an elective C-section. But I know there are potentially huge drawbacks with this too and that there is no guarantee they would agree to it anyway.
I just don't want to have another birth experience feeling out of control. Has anyone else had a positive birth experience after a nightmare first delivery?