Fear of being a parent

[DaffodilPops]

Hi all,

I don't know if I'm on the right bit, this is my first post, let me know if I should go elsewhere!

I'm coming on to ask for some advice; basically, I want to be a Mum, but I'm scared I'll be horrible and im also fearful of becoming paranoid about my kids being in danger.

I'll start at the beginning. I'm 30, married and have a nice job. I'm the oldest of 7 siblings, my sisters have all had children, so I'm also an Aunty to 6. Throughout my childhood my Mum and my Stepmum, were both pregnant or nursing new babies a lot of the time. This was all lovely, and its turned me into a very maternal person. I am really knowledgeable on all things kids, and I'm not worried about the practical side or birth.

The thing is, my mum was occasionally a bit mean to me when I was little, my step mum was quite difficult and my dad had a temper. All of these things combined have given me know self esteem and anxiety. None of them were overtly cruel, but their behaviour has given me lots of.problems in my adult life. I was singled out and spoken to badly a few times. I've had counselling and my dad and stepmum have both apologised since. My mum and my relationship improved a lot as I grew up, and we were fine by the time she passed away 3 years ago. I looked after her at the end.

I've no doubt that the bullying was part of post natal depression on both mothers' sides, especially as my sister did exactly the same a few years ago, culminating in accusing me of trying to hurt her unborn child. I hold absolutely no bad feeling or grudge towards any of them as I know now that they weren't themselves and I became the target.

I'm.just scared that I'll be the same. PND seems to run in my family (my granny was actually sectioned, although this was the 50s!) And I'm an anxious person as it is. I'm already scared of the worry I'll feel if I become a parent (child illness etc). I'm a bag of nerves

What I'm really hoping for is someone to have had a similar feeling and now be one confident mamma!

The fact you are even thinking of these things puts you ahead of most. You sound like such a lovely caring person. We don't automatically become our parents, genes play a part, as does environment ..... but your choices are the main tthing. I had very low self esteem and picked a real abuser to be my daughter's dad. I spent my entire pregnancy in turmoil and counselling for peri natal depression. We split when she was 18 months old and my maternal instinct kicked in, up until then I didn't think I would manage without him. No one gets everything right but trying to do your best and having a good support network is vital. X

Oops.. hit send by accident. Try to forgive your past and realise that you are very fortunate to be someone who cares and thinks about these things. Surround yourself with trustworthy people and see what happens. X

Echoing the pp - the fact that you're thinking this signals the fact that you're already caring for your future child before it's even conceived.

Honestly, OP, you are not your parents, that's the first thing to remember. You've had a different life and have made different choices. My parents, though well-meaning and not cruel, were poor parents, we were very poor, and (I'm another eldest of a big family) our childhoods were very far from ideal, largely because of my parents' weakness - and the experience made me not want children, partly because I was doing so much childcare so young.

But I have a wonderful son, and, while I'm definitely no 'naturally maternal' person, I'm nothing like my mother as a mother. I had postnatal psychosis, and the first two months of his life were hellish, but I recovered, and am a much better mother than I thought I could ever be. Sure, there will be things I screw up, but I'm doing my best to give him the best possible start. It's easier to parent when faced with an actual real child with needs, than worrying about it in the abstract.

Yes, you might get PND. Tell your midwife/HV etc that you feel you might be particularly at risk, and put in place as much support as you can in advance. It's common, and treatable.

Best wishes, and try not to borrow trouble!

Ladies. You've just made me burst into tears of joy, I don't know either of you but you're fab.

You have both opened up lots of new thought processes for me. I'm so grateful.

I'll have some thinking time and be sure to get back to you - but thank you, thank you, thank you xxx