Help - traumatised by first stage of labour

[twinklemegan]

Hi folks - I'm new to Mumsnet and am very encouraged to see that I am not the only one feeling traumatised by my birth experience (12 weeks ago). But, whilst the second stage was pretty horrendous (baby went posterior and finally came out 3 hours after the head first appeared, not to mention a bitchy consultant who told me to stop making a noise!!), it's the first stage that is really bothering me.
Once my waters broke, my contractions were more painful than I could possibly have imagined, especially down my legs. I had read that you are supposed to get a break from the pain between contractions, but I was getting no respite at all - the MW's answer was, well of course you won't! I was told it was too early for gas and air, and was offered paracetemol! They sent me out for a walk with DH, which I will never forget as I could barely put one foot in front of the other, and then for a bath as it was too early to use the birth pool. I got in the bath and couldn't even lie back - I just knelt at the end of the bath and ended up screaming in pain with the contractions so much that DH had to pull the emergency cord.
I think I need to know whether this was normal - I don't think my pain threshold can be that low since as I said I did manage to get through labour with virtually no pain relief. But it was in those early stages, from 2 cm until getting in the birth pool, that I really needed the pain relief and didn't get it. I'm so scared of having to go through that again that it's affecting my relationship with DH. I'd really appreciate any advice - did anyone else have a similar experience??

once you are in hospital..you labour under their rules and protocols

X amount of hours,.,then ARM ..then syntocinon..etc

my vbac was given a 6 hour limit - to get from 3cm to pushing! luckily it happened...but did question the psychological impact of labouring under a time limit...was told it applies to everyone regardless...which is ridiculous as each woman labours differently..!

that's the one! thanks lulu.

Since I saw that programme I have not stopped thinking about it. It it amazing to me that the programme was made about 25 years ago because not one bit of his approach had filtered through to my midwifery unit!!!!

The thing that has stayed with me the most was one woman saying (in the modern day follow up programme) that her labour was the time in her life that she stood alone, without relying on her DH or her family, and she did this huge thing - she said it changed her forever. I thought that was a stunning thing to say and it still resonates with me.

I got precisely the opposite from my labour - I felt like a nuisance, someone who wasn't 'coping' and whose body couldn't even do what nature intended; I was left alone so much that I lost any self belief I started with....I think that it will be with me forever, this sort of regretful feeling.

i too felt like my labour was a journey i had to do on my own...didn;t feel abandoned..but only i could do it..so i did it!
and it changed my life! (my VBAC) so much so i am hoping to start working as a doula in the new year..get quite evangelical about the power of birth ! the regretful feeling was on i had too after my emergency c.s and took a long time to get through..for me, having a vaginal birth second time healed that...

I have been concerned about my approaching birth in hospital. I don't trust them and the Tonight programme last night was not reassuring to say the least. Last time I felt safe because I paid for a private consultant to be responsible for the birth in the public hospital. (i.e., I was paying for a person with some power to look after my interests). Do they do this in the UK? Or, failing that, would a doula act as a kind of advocate for me with the hospital staff - i.e. to make sure my wishes are heard, that I'm not left in a room without midwifery contact or progress being monitored, all those awful things that women so frequently describe, etc. etc.? It's such a factory at my hospital that I'm feeling very insecure.

a doula - cannot make the hospital 'do ' anything as it were..but she will know your birthplan and your wishes, in depth and in detail..therfore if you are not in a position to express yourself clearly, she can back you up and your DH too

also, the midwife is unlikely to be with you the whole time - whereas your doula will - as soon as you are in labour and call her.she'll be there and won;t leave your side until the baby is delivered - however long that might be.

the continous one to one support a doula can give you , to be there for you, is a very importnat element..if you feel safe & supported..listened to and heard...your labour ismuch more likely to be a positive empowering experience

if you are unhappy with your hospital...try a different one!
ask for a home birth, possibly with an independent midwife
change consultants
hire a doula (!)

private birth is available in the UK - the places i know of are down south - eg the Portland

don;t know if an NHS obs can be hired privately to deliver you in a NHS hospital..

have a look at
comparing maternity units & hospitals

and

train & place doulas

lulu, I'm sure you'll be a wonderful doula if you can communicate that confidence to your mums...good luck

I won't be having another child so maybe that's why it resonates so much with me still; there is an element of me knowing that I won't get the chance to do it again in order to 'get it right' next time!

Poppynic- this is the birth choice link!

birth choice

thanks sunnysideup-- i'm sorry you still carry those feelings...i hope you are enjoying your baby....and thank you for the vote of confidence...!

and if I were to be having another child, I would CERTAINLY hire a doula! Go for it, poppynic!

Think of it this way, a doula can't make labour worse; whereas patchy or bad midwifery care most certainly can, as in my case.

I know in my heart that if I had someone with me during those long early stages, I would have retained much more confidence and self belief..and would not have been so exhausted as would no doubt have been encouraged to rest...DH completely useless, bless him! You need someone who has been there...good luck, sure you will be FINE; most people are!

lulu, the worst thing is DS is now four years old, not a baby!

Gosh I am carrying these feelings a bit aren't I!

Sometimes I don't think about it at all, other times it's on my mind.

How much does it cost to hire a doula? My friend had one for her second birth and swares it's the only way to go.

sunnyside - there is a lot you can do to help yourself...if it is playing on your mind too much...is the brth the reason you are nt havingmore children ( sorry if too personal) , don't have to answer....

009 - doulas vary in price

trainees are expenses only,up to a max. of £150 whereas experienced ones can be several hundred, also depends where in the country you are.

look at

train & place doulas

or

main doula website

I may be wrong here but I think it's a shame that we have to pay for someone to come and support us through childbirth. I'm sure in other societies ones mum, sister or best friend would do the job.

you are not wrong....in many cultures and other countries
the doula was your mum, your sister or another woman from the community who would be there for you......

as families move further away from each other and communities shrink - you do lose some of the natural female support network

however....a mum /sister /friend. who loves you dearly might find it really hard to see you in pain and therefore might not be as much of an emotional support for you than a doula, who does not have quite the same close bond....

doulas work with you antenatally too , are on call for 2 weeks before the birth, to be at the end of the phone, day or night to answer questions..research things for you..be there for you ....and are with you for the birth, even if it takes 36 hours! and will most likely visit & be on the end of a phone post natally too!

My sister offered to be at my DDs birth. She is not a mum herself but is a nurse and helped to deliver our niece. But I didn't want her to be there, I wanted to share the experience only with my hub. When I woke up from GA the first thing I said to hub was "Where's Angie (sister)". She appeared just moments later and was such a support getting me washed and dressed and into wheelchair so that I could go to see my DD in SCBU. She was so great.

that;s wonderful.... i'm really glad you had the support you needed! some women only want their DH at the birth ..it comes down to personal choice..it must have been wonderful for her to see her niece so soon after birth and for you to have her there just when you needed her...

having a doula, a friend, mum or sister with you can be hugely beneficial , if it's what you feel you need.

i think it is simply offering another choice ...

Have only read to op so sorry if i repeat what anyone else has said.
with both my labours, i did get some respite between contractions, even if it was for 30 secs or so. I cant imagine how awful it must have been for you.

when i arrived at my hospital for ds2 they were trying to get me on the gas as soon as i got thru the blinking door.
i believe they dont let you in the pool too soon as if it is too soon it can slow your progress.
you must complain. i dont understand how they can tell you it is 'too soon' for gas and air?!!
it cant harm you and everyone is different. they cant gauge the pain:
'once you have been labouring for 3 hours, you should feel like this....'- that's total bollocks.
each labour is different too. with ds1 i was pretty fine with it all, then expecting it to be easier with ds2, i got a huge awakening as i thought i was going to die!!
if you dont complain, others will go thru the same.
with regards to how you are feeling, i know what you mean with it all hanging around in your head. i had different probs, with ds1 i had real problems getting admitted to the delivery suite and was sent home at 6cms resulting in me getting very, very afraid of what was going on and nearly loosing it completely. ds1 is now 15m and i feel better about it now but i wish i had sought some sort of counselling as i am sure this was a major contributing factor to me having severe pnd.
hope you sort something out soon. dont let it ruin your early weeks with dc, they are so precious.
sorry if you have already done this, but really try and explain to your dh exactly how you are feeling. i couldnt to begin with but once i had i told the poor bloke about a thousand times... but it helped me and after all it is their job! you've done the hard bit and you did it well- your dc is safe and well.
you need your dhs support now more than you may ever need it again.
x

ps: sorry if i have rambled!

My hypnobirthing teacher told us the last person you want in the room with you is your mom. Mainly because they can't stop being a mom. When my mom came to sit with me in labor she was a pain. I got the worst chills when I was transitioning. My mom was trying to tell the midwife and nurse what to do to make me feel better. My sister was no help either she kept bringing negative stories of her birth up. Anyway, in the end I kicked them out and was much happier.

Josh&Jamie - I am definitely going to try hypnobirthing this time. My friend tried it and had a pain free labour(!!!). It must be worth a try.

Unfortunately I tried using a birthing ball last time. Spent every spare minute leaning forward for months and the baby switched to back-to-back the second I went into labour - typical!!! I couldn't use the one in the hospital even though it was the most comfortable position, as it was caked in filth and then I was put on a postnatal ward where there wasn't one. I should have taken my own in, but was told by the midwives they are always available. Typical.

I am shocked by the number of threads with a similar story to mine. Especially the midwives not allowing women into delivery suites (like me) and not allowing gas and air (like me). I was told gas and air is addictive, so I couldn't have any. Funny most women in labour have g&a without any problems....

I don't know about you MumtoBen, but when I was finally allowed the gas and air, at the same time I was allowed in the birth pool, I was so far gone mentally and physically that I was unable to use it properly so I'm not sure I got much benefit from it. There's a knack to it and you need to be reasonably 'with it' to get the hang of it, I think. In fact the only time I felt it working, with the lightheadedness etc., was after the birth when I was having my stitches.

g&a not addictive! you can get too relaxed (!) using it and therfore not concentrate on labouring IFYSWIM

also, if start using it too early, you become saturated, and it stops really having an effect...after about 6 hours i believe

the problems you encountered where from not being heard, from your needs not being met and not being supported adequately

it's really important that you work through this with someone...and get some answers if possible...

these stories make me so upset....bad care during birth has massive repercussions....

but g&a is great to use...especially if you don;t want opiates..and when given at the right time, is a great help

it really does take the edge off the pain....! meant to put that in other post!

but g&a is great to use...especially if you don;t want opiates..and when given at the right time, is a great help

it really does take the edge off the pain....! meant to put that in other post!