should i ask for a c/s or not? scared by 1st birth...

[daisybo]

hi i'm too embarrased to talk to anyone in rl about this, and i don't really know what to do...
i had a long 32hr labour with ds1 which resulted in forceps and episiotomy, something i really didn't want. i suffered post traumatic stress after the birth and i had nightmares and flashbacks for months afterwards, and ended up on anti depressants. i also suffered with pain where the scar is (not during sex) which still comes and goes at time and i also had slight incontinence which only resolved itself after about 2 years.
i'm now 22 wks with number 2 and i'm terrified of the same thing happening again. i don't know what to do, part of me wants to try again for the birth i feel i missed out on last time and part of me just thiks i can't do that again, i want a section!
i haven't spoken to midwives as i just don't know what i really want or which is the best option. i really felt like i'd failed last time and part of me thinks i will feel like that again if i have a section, instead of doing it myself. ikwim. anybody got any advice??!

My midwife was very understanding when I explained why I wanted a c/s with No.2. Spoke to the consultant at 30 something weeks and that was it. He agreed and my worries were over. You definitely shouldn't have to be terrified of going through it again. Talk to the your midwife now.

And forget that "I failed" stuff, you had a terrible time and survived and had a beautiful child that you've raised ever since. Where's the failure?

Hi there

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))

I had a 40 hour labour after being induced which ended in a section after 2 hours of pushing. In the end I begged for a c-section as I'd not slept for 2 nights, she'd gone back to back and I was in agonising pain. I just knew she wasn't coming out that way! It was hell. I can understand your fear but please don't think you've "failed" things don't always go your way no matter how hard you try. How you give birth is in no way a relection of your maternal abilities. I did everything in my power to prepare for childbirth-perineal massage (ew!), ante-natal yoga, exercise (sensible amount), took rasberry leaf tablets, read every book I could find. All to no avail. I had to try really hard not to let things bother me, of course it was in the back of my mind that I had "failed" but I managed to get past it (just) and enjoy my baby. I'm in too minds as to whether I should have a repeat section with my next one (not even conceived yet btw!) or to go for a v-bac.
I can advise you on what a section is like-really enjoyed the birth (it was pain free and all you do is lie there after all!) but the recovery is hard. You can't move for 12hours ish afterwards, and then your exercise is to "sit in a chair". You can't get up to pick your baby up, and you still have a catheter, epidural and drip in you. Walking is difficult for weeks (I had an infection in my wound so was even longer recovery) and it bloody hurts to even stand up, let alone cough, laugh or fart! (sorry tmi!)
However I have no experience with natural childbirth as she was my first baby so have nothing to compare it too. My advise would be to read up and get iformation from a consultant, a section is major surgery and carries big risk, but on the other hand it's best for you and your baby for you to be happy and confident.
It's hard because you never know whats going to happen. it's a case of weighing up the risks, both physical and mental.
Anyway I sympathise cos I'm dreading having the next one!
Hope this helps a bit

Big hugs from me too.

I had a horrible birth with my ds 11 weeks ago (induction, failed ventouse, episiotomy, forceps, tears, bled loads and ended up with a blood transfusion). Really not what I was expecting, and I can't even think about having another one at the moment. If / when I do get pregnant I suspect I'll feel very similar to you.

It would be so, so worth going and talking to the obstetricians about how you feel. There's a really good chance that next time it would be straight forward - second babies often are, especially since you did deliver vaginally the first time. (My GP's very intelligently referred me back to the O&G already to discuss it and make a plan for next time if there is one).
At least if you go and talk to them you can discuss pros and cons of a section etc, and you'll feel more in control. We all know how you handle labour is affected by your emotions, and so sorting things out in your head before hand is important.

I know having a section isn't plain sailing, but to be honest my friends who had sections recovered quicker than I did, and as for driving I couldn;t drive for 4 weeks anyway, because I couldn;t sit down, so there are no guarantees!

You've got nothing to lose by talking to people about it, and lots to gain.

Daisyboo I know exactly what you are feeling. I had a very traumatic birth experience with ds1, which resulted in an em section. Within 5 months I was preg again and absolutely not ready to repeat the experience. The consultant at the hospital made it very easy for me to have another section, although he was also quite happy for me to try for a vbac. I opted for a planned section. It was all very civilised, unlike the first time. However, afterwards I regretted my decision .
My personal feelings are that I wasn't in anyway an active participant in my son's birth and it really affected my relationship with him.
I know these are just my experiences but sometimes a planned section isn't all cosy and simple emotionally.
I wish in retropsect that I had had more support in dealing with my fears. There was no emotional support. I think if I had been able to talk about things and feel supported I would have tried for a vbac.
I have since had 3 vbacs and will soon be having my fourth (fingers crossed).
I would suggest that you talk about your fears and all the options you have so that whatever decision you make you are really happy with it. Also bear in mind that it will be harder for you to try for a vabac the more sections you have., good luck

thanks for the support you guys, i guess i really should swallow my pride and talk to the consultant about this. if i could guarantee a vaginal birth with no episiotomy and none of the agony from it that i had last time i wouldn't be even thinking about a section. i mean i know it will be painful and i can deal with that its the 7hr pushing stage, episiotomy, failed ventouse, forceps and blood transfusion (blue moo our births sound scarily similar!) that i can't cope with again, especially having a 2 and a half yr old running around too. so if there's any chance of this happening again i just don't want to risk it. i know it might be ok this time it's just that not knowing thing...
i'm also scared that if i did have episiotomy/tear this time around i would end up incontinent (i had incontinence for nearly 2 yrs after 1st baby (poos not wees) which really scared me that it might not go away) i have never mentioned this as i'm soooo embarrased. also the scar was painful for about 6 months and i still get the odd twinge now, and i just know i can't do it again, i was so low after my little boys birth, it spoilt the first year or so of his life.
aaargh! i'm so useless at making decisions, i just don't know what to do!!!

Talk to someone Daisyboo and then make your decision. It's unlikely that the next birth would be he same, but I understand your fears.

daisyboo, have you considered hiring a doula or independant midwife to be with you at the birth?
having someone who knows exactly what they're doing (not that nhs midwives don't, but they can't always be there 100% of the time) and what you want can be a HUGE help.

I wont go into it too much , but lets say I had a vvv similar 1st time 3yrs ago; same no of hrs , episotomy , transfusion ptsd etc. I only just got speciifc therapy for it from NHS last 2mths of my 2nd pg, but it wasnt that that turned things around for me. I like you this 2nd time was TERRIFIED. Less than 2mths before dd2's birth (shes now 6wks)I chanced apon Hypnobirthing , all from the NHS therapist suggesting breathing lessons , which no ante natal grp teaches anymore. To cut a long story short , I did some reserach and found a practioner near me . I did 2 private sessions , as Id done hypnotherapy after the 1st birth for panic attacks, so didnt need to do the whole course. Alongside Hypnobirthing the practioner carried out a leading edge transforming therapy for trauma called EFT(emotional freedom therapy)and rather than fear and severe anxiety, I had excitment.

If you do a search on my name yuoll probably find many discussions with other MN's from my ante natal /post natal threads on here about it all. It may seem Im talking about it all over the place , but it works and its amazing. NO need to suffer , no need to feel fear.

You must go with what you feel is right for you , but there is help out there to make you feel good RIGHT NOW about giving birth and your past experience. Hypnobrithing is all about having a birth thats right and proper for you with the level of intervention that you either need or want and if it doesnt go the way you planned , giving you tools to cope with that too.

Hypnobirthing uk

Daisybo, I too had a very traumatic first birth - 24hr established labour ending in episiotomy and forceps - all without adequate pain relief. I am absolutely sure that it all had a very negative impact on my ability to bond with my dd and my experience of being a new mother.

I was terrified when I got pregnant again that I was going to have to go through all that again and was dead set on asking for a section. Which I did and which they said they would do if I really insisted. But as the time drew near I kept thinking that I needed to try and give birth vaginally again - almost to exorcise some ghosts - because I felt (ridiculously) that I had failed last time. Anyway, to cut a long story short I decided against the CS and boy was it different this time round! 4.5 hours, 5 minutes of pushing and she was out. No-one could have been more ASTONISHED than me at how straightforward the whole experience was and how POSITIVE. Still bloody painful but I really feel that it helped me to come to terms with what had happened first time round. And for me, 'dealing' with all that had happened before was a big deal. I absolutely agree with other posters that feeling that you have somehow 'failed' is crazy, but I CAN relate to it.

But having said that I think that ANY positive experience second time round - be that through a vaginal birth OR CS - will really help you to lay to rest some of the negativity that went before. So go with your gut. Good luck!

Hi Daisybo, I had a similar birth too. Failed ventouse, forceps, episiotomy, no pain relief, internal haematoma and tear (left untreated), left unstitched, long 2nd stage. I suffered flashbacks etc. It took me 15 months to physically recover.

I too am dreading another birth, should I be lucky enough to conceive again. I have been promised by the consultant that I can have an elective c-section. However, I have decided I will try for a homebirth. Sounds mad probably. But I managed with almost no pain relief last time & no midwife for most of the labour. I could not face being in hospital, I have been in tears having to set foot in the building where I had my son. I know I'd feel more comfortable at home. And as others have said, it will probably be much better next time. Maybe just another option for you to consider.

thanks, mumtoben, i'm glad i'm not the only one...
my original plan for this baby was a home birth for similar reasons to yours, however due to my blood group i have to have a hospital birth as baby has a chance of jaundice and/or anaemia. that's why i don't really know what's best, a vaginal delivery in a high-tech consultant led environment or an elec c-section. neither is what i really want. ho hum, am going to see consultant in 2 weeks so will see what he says..........

I had an horrendous 1st birth with ds (very long labour, back to back baby, failed ventouse, forceps, 3rd degree tear, blood transfusion!). I am now 25 weeks pg with number 2 and cannot imagine having to go through anything like that again. I was very depressed for the first few months of ds's life and feel like I missed out on enjoying him as I was so traumatised from the birth. I am seeing my midwife next week and am going to beg for her to refer me to a consultant for an elective c-section this time.

You've got to do what's right for you. Everyone's been saying to me that second births are usually easier and shorter but I think I will be so panicky that I won't be able to cope with it.

Let us know what you decide to do. x