"Scare stories"

[lunalovegood84]

I've seen some people on a few threads lately referring to "scare stories" or "horror stories" or even "doom and gloom". Normally someone has asked a question about procedure X and people have posted a range of experiences, good and bad. Then someone posts a message where the sentiment is similar to the following: "I had procedure X and it was great! Don't be put off by the horror stories OP!" (It's not a thread about a thread or aimed at any particular poster: just an observation I've made quite a few times.)

Of course I understand that they are trying to provide some reassurance to the original poster who is often very apprehensive and their intentions are kind. However, I can't help but think that these phrases are unhelpful to those of us who had genuinely bad experiences following a particular type of medical intervention. What happened to me was a real part of my life, not a scare story. I'm glad for people who had a smoother ride than me, and obviously it is really good when people share positive stories, but equally those of us with a negative experience should be able to say what happened to us without it being dismissed as a horror story.

I know it's a sensitive issue and careful consideration is necessary about exactly when to share this type of experience. E.g. if someone said "I'm going in for procedure X tomorrow and I'm so nervous" I would keep my mouth shut. But if someone was weighing up X and Y I would absolutely contribute my experience, being careful not to make it sound like what happened to me was the norm (because it wasn't).

Before I gave birth I only read the basics in books but I spent a lot of time on this forum reading real people's stories. I think the range of experiences is what makes this such a valuable resource. I secretly thought I'd get a short, straightforward birth (like my mum had) and it was hard to wrap my head round it when it didn't turn out that way, but it helped me to know that I was far from alone when things didn't go the way I planned.

I don't think getting a range of experiences can ever be a bad thing. You can hope for the best while being prepared and knowledgeable about the issues that can occur, with the reassurance of knowing that there are other people who had such issues and hopefully recovered and had a healthy baby.

Thing is, they're not 'scare' stories - they are just 'stories' aren't they. Different people have different levels of 'scare' too... things that bother me might not bother the next person.

I think it's good that people share whatever happens to them when asked for the information. It's good to know details of when things don't go smoothly, or just details of some procedures - I find that books, NCT and midwives brush over the real information for fear of being 'scary', when in fact it's probably better for most people if they understand in advance what some things mean. Less scary/traumatic or whatever if you at least have an idea of something before you're suddenly in it and vulnerable.

It's good to hear all the stories because anything can happen. I think lots of people forget anything can happen and the stats (ie % of women who have xyz be that an ideal home birth or cesarean or anything in between) because to us, it is our 100%!

But with both good and bad stories I do think it's vital to say "this is my story" not "this is what happens!". I've seen the 2nd tone with good and bad stories and it isn't helpful.
For example one post I read before birth strongly gave the impression that difficult tears were the norm with first births (with infections, labial and citral and analysis damage etc). I was so alarmed. A very honest mw clarified that tears/epis were normal- the stats were 30% got away with no stitches, 60% with 1st and 2nd degree and normal healing, 10% more complex.
But as many of the 60% who had an average amount of damage (as I ended up having) most likely won't have reason to post online being "average" and neither needing help/advice bar the usual nor being a birth warrior type, it gives an "all or nothing" impression .... like birth is either ina may in a meadow with whale song or intervention hell. I had a scarily fast birth (sounds lush but not at the timd ... felt very intense and almost didn't get to hospital - baby was startled too and full of mucus ) ... but I would be nuts to say thats normal or expected! It's just what my body did that day. It's my birth, but I know most people don't go from twinge to baby that fast or intensely.

Which is why it's so important to say "this is MY story..." whether we're average Jo with a 2nd degree like me, less fortunate or more fortunate.
Not "this will happen" or "ignore them" etc.

Yes generally it's caveat emptor, I'm not sure you ought to ask for or read about a range of experiences about a particular childbirth related thing unless you're prepared to hear bad things. Otoh, as you say if op posts for reassuring stories, that is usually respected. I do find the terrible stories distressing but clearly they did happen to the person posting. I expect all women reading these experiences to weigh the anecdotal evidence alongside the evidence of their experienced medical professionals.

I read books, went it NCT classes etc. Nothing prepared me for the seriously shit time I had. I know that I was at the unlucky end of the spectrum, though not the really unlucky end. In part, I post about my experience because I found the NCT course very focused on VB good, CS bad, intervention bad. When you go really overdue, you become a bit powerless to avoid something that has been somewhat demonised. From my experience, I think it is worth making the point to others that there is are worse outcomes than a straightforward ELCS.

I think if a story is a scare story or not depends on how and more importantly why it is being shared. Difficult or emergency birth stories can be told with sensitivity, and positivity to help other women understand what may happen. On the other hand if they are told with a you don't know anything let me tell you how scary it is then they are scare stories.

The other thing is is giving women warning so they can choose not to read, listen. For example I'm 32 weeks pregnant i know there is always a risk of still birth I'm choosing to not read any birth stories that have still births because I'll find it to upsetting at the moment. So if someone told me their friends friend had a birth at the place I'm going to proceeded to tell the whole birth story and then said the baby died I'd consider that a scare story.

Yes, if the term "horror story" or "scare story" was used to describe your traumatic birth it would probably be rage inducing. However, I wouldn't assume that the offending terminology is directed at you personally (unless it is directed at you personally IYSWIM).

Fundamentally it is not possible to know exactly how a women feels by reading a story on MN. It is also impossible for me as a reader to know how I would feel in the same situation. I know women who have had traumatic birth experiences when, on paper, their births seemed straight forward. Is their birth less traumatic than someone else's because it seems that way to some random stranger reading their story online?

As goats says as well, what "scares" one reader would not bother another.

I must say I have seen posts along the lines of "we saw first time mums doing a tour of the ward full of excitement and laughed bitterly them because it WILL be hell. .. ha ha silly girls" That kind of tone is scary and quite frankly inaccurate.
Some people have painful back to back babies - some don't. Ditto E MC, infections, scars, long labours...
Like if I said "I was ripped from fanny to arse and thats what happens with a quick birth..." that would be a scare story. "I had a massive urge to push and couldn't fight it on just gas n air, so I got a long tear. I have to do exercises for my pelvic floor and have my stitches checked regularly but so far so good. It was sore but is getting better" is the same taLe told in a more helpful/realistic way iyswim.
It's both what is terrifying and wonderful about birth - you don't know.

Saying EVERYONE should expect hell is as skewed as those who say "I did hypno birthing so had a good birth ".

The tone and remembering a birth story is a personal anecdote and not relevant to others unless they have precisely your circumstances, body type, pregnancy etc. Good or more challenging.

that's what is hard about other people's stories, just because you seem to have the same set of events, doesn't mean you'll have the same outcome. Important factors like labour length, baby size and position aren't really knowable upfront.