complete change of plans

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morning.

please bear with me on this thread - it is a bit f an outpouring as i dont feel i can say it in real life.

I am pg with dc2.
I have been diagnosed with antenatal depression and struggled through alot of this pg but have been able to avoid meds so far and keep it in check. A big part this has being able to feel in control and make my plans. I have battled to feel connected with this baby at all though. I have never bonded with it and have had a very different pregnancy than with Dc1. I have been honest about this with my dp and midwife and we have worked on ways for me to feel connected.

I have had my heart set on a homebirth for dc2. i was feeling so positive, excited and really looking forward to it. we had got our home sorted and ready for it - home birth kit arrived and birthing pool etc. i had a great homebirth team and had a really good relationship with them. I had my doula sorted. DC1 was fully included and we had all our plans re skin to skin, cord clamping and cutting etc. I felt really on top of things.

I now find out that as baby is still transverse lie at 36 weeks - they want to admit me into hospital where i will be for 2 weeks until i have a c-section at 39 weeks. i battled with them yesterday to get an extra few days to try and move baby - as i have been doing since 30 weeks with inversions / spinning babies moves etc. they are giving me to 37 weeks when i will have another scan but they want to remove me from homebirth pathway from here on in.

i have cried solid since i found out. i didnt sleep a wink last night and feel on the verge of panic attacks every time i think of this. I have been sick a few times and feel like throwing up. I cant get it in perspective and feel that all control has gone. i feel that my body has really let me down. I know other people may react differently but i feel that this is now about as far removed from what i was hoping for and planning. I dont feel i can talk to my dp about it as he just keeps saying - but think of the baby at the end. That may be true but right now - i cant even see that. I dont even want to think o it. The thought of having to be in hospital is terrifying for me. A c-section may be the best option I know and other people may not feel too bad in this situation but i feel something like grief today.

The way i feel is that they may as well take me in, give me a general anasethetic, just get it out of me, hand it to dp and let him get on with it.

I am in no doubt that many people wont understand how i feel nor where i cam coming from. i know it is out of proportion but i feel as if my control has gone and it might as well be all of it.

Hi, reading your post made me feel sad. I think you are grieving for the birth you had planned still and the change of plan must have come as a massive shock. Now that a c-section is potentially on the cards, could you talk to your midwife and consultant about how to help you bond with the baby - for example I think you can have immediate skin to skin contact? There may be other ways in which you can regain some control over the c-section. Do you need to be in hospital for 2 weeks / can you not just go in to be monitored? Are there particular anxieties about the hospital that you can discuss with the midwife or consultant?

hi church

they want me in for 2 weeks as they said it was too risky to have waters break / go into labour with transverse baby due to cord prolapse.

Hi,

Are you in UK? Seems unusual for them to keep you in for 2 weeks - isn't this just going to make you more depressed? Couldn't you just agree to ring ambulance if waters went?

I can really empathise with your situation and could have written most of it!!

I am 37+2 with DC2. I had a rough time with DD1 (PND, PTSD, anti ds, therapy etc) and was determined this time would be different. Planned another HB (didn't get one with first due to meconium), did everything right, researched everything etc. then at 36 weeks baby went from head down to footling breech.....devastated is an under statement.
Trying to turn but don't think baby will. I don't want a vaginal birth with breech for a multitude of reasons so have booked in for section at 39 weeks.

At first I couldn't get my head around it but I have been researching and feel more positive......the thing I'm struggling with is that I don't have one set plan as I might have section but if baby turns I'm back to vaginal birth so it's difficult to get in the correct mindset.

What I would recommend is to google 'jentle section' and watch the UK video on youtube-it makes the birth look just as special as a vaginal birth. Have a birth plan in place-you still can be in control (even if waters go before 39 weeks you can still have a plan as although it will be classed as 'emergency' it will still be pretty straightforward); I want to see baby come out and see what sex it is, delayed cord clamping, immediate skin to skin and early breast feed, going to request cannula to be in non dominant arm, ecg pads not to disrupt skin to skin.
I know it's not what we planned but we can still make it special

Regarding bonding with baby, I am not one of those who has immediate feelings of unconditional love to the baby when pregnant. Yes I care for it's well being, the baby is very much wanted and I am excited to meet it but I will need to meet it and care for it before I have those feelings (same with DD1)....this is normal for some women although they don't want to talk about it.

Remember, even with your planned HB, things may not have gone to plan and this could have led to worse depression. At least this way you can have a definite plan and be in control of it.

As my baby is footling breech, also at risk of cord prolapse but just to go straight in if waters go/go into labour. If transverse, even if the cord prolapsed there wouldn't be a head pushing down on it to compromise oxygen so don't see why you couldn't stay at home-speak to them about actual risk if this vs going crazy staying in hospital having nothing to do but think about birth.

x x

m.youtube.com/watch?v=m5RIcaK98Yg

This is the youtube video-if link doesn't work then copy and paste x

Thanks upupandaway.

I hear what you say but i cant connect with idea of a section at all. It is so far removed from me that i don't feel able to engage and the ideas of skin skin etc seem ok but for me today, a bit pointless. I want it out of me, preferably now under general and dp can take it and deal with it. i feel like a piece of meat and would rather not be awake.

I hope it goes ok for you. You seem at a different phase and stage of acceptance. X

Thanks.

I just hope that you're getting the support you need from consultants, midwives and hopefully mental health team as you're obviously not in a good place and I know you're grieving for your lost birth but your thought pattern is irrational.

I probably am finding it easier to go along with things due to my job (NICU nurse-lets me appreciate that the ultimate goal no matter what we think is to have a healthy baby that goes home with you) and the fact that my mum has recently been diagnosed and is having treatment for advanced, incurable cancer-it has really helped put everything into perspective (which is of course easier for me as I am currently not depressed).

I hope you manage to find a happier place x

And just re-read OP, maybe it is time for some medication? x

Can you request an ECV to turn the baby? I planned homebirth for DD1 and was very upset when we discovered she was breech at 36 weeks. Had an ECV and she was turned so I got hb.

It does seem very odd that you would be kept in hospital unless there are other risks that haven't been discussed. It certainly wasn't suggested to me despite consultant wanting to induce me at 40 weeks.

thanks Upupandaway. I dont mean to sound dismissive of what you have been through / are going through and what you have come up with for yourself and your birth. I hope it all works out and goes ok for you. x

Commander - I have an anterior placenta so they said no ECV as too risky.

No I didn't think that at all Outta.....you are not choosing to feel this way x x