Firstly, I'm sorry if there are already other threads about debriefs, if i'm honest I need to get a few things off my chest.
I suffered (what I considered to be) a very traumatic birth experience with DS 13 months ago. I have made several requests through both HV and GP over the past year to arrange a debrief and I have finally managed to secure one. I am now beginning to feel very anxious about the meeting, partly due to the fact I have had to push so hard for it and that it wasn't offered to me in the first place. I know of several people who were offered one that had, by their own admission, less traumatic experiences than myself. I am sending myself a bit loopy wondering why it had been so difficult for me to secure a meeting and beginning to question if I 'deserve' one as a result. Its a horrible feeling.
I had a very long and drawn out labour following an induction at 42+1, I went into hospital on the sunday morning and didn't deliver DS until the Tuesday morning. DS was back to back and in an awkward position, failing to progress which resulted in forceps, an episiotomy and a 3rd degree tear. When DS was finally delivered in theatre I had all of 30 seconds with him before they took him away from me and out of the room along with my partner. Whilst beginning to stitch me up they had lost the needle. Although I appreciate I had pretty much lost the plot mentally by this stage, I knew something wasn't right. I was told they may have to x-ray me as they were searching the theatre from top to bottom and could not find it. This went on for quite some time, whilst I was left in stirrups, in the middle of the theatre by myself. I just remember sobbing uncontrollably and feeling so alone.
I have no idea how long this went on for, DP and I estimate at least 30-45 minutes. The needle was finally located and I was released and reunited with DS and DP. Minutes later, the consultant came along and told me I would have to have a blood test as one of the doctors had cut herself while stitching me up.
Whilst on the ward, I discovered that I had not regained feeling in the lower part of my left leg and foot. (towards the end I had an epidural and was laid on my side to allow drug to drain through to my back). I was assured this was just the after effects of the epidural and was allowed home a day later.
To cut a long story short I had foot drop. I could not move my foot at all to walk and could only drag it beside me. After seeing a GP and consequently a neurosurgeon (privately as the wait for NHS was absurd), having MRI scans and nerve conduction studies carried out, I was told that my nerves had almost certainly been crushed by being left on my side in stirrups in one position for far too long during labour. I was given a prognosis of up to 18 months for recovery, and this was not guaranteed in itself.
I am happy to say that I have regained full use of my leg and foot now, however, being left like this with a newborn was horrendous and the thought that I may never get better when I had just given birth was almost too much to bear.
If you have read this far, Thank you!
What I'm really concerned about is that I'm going to fall to pieces in the debrief. I don't really know what I want out of it other than for the hospital to know how much they have damaged me both mentally and physically. I feel like the first few months of what should have been a special and magical time with my first born child were taken away from me and I'll never get that back. I just feel so bitter and sad about it all.
I don't really know why I've written all this to be honest, I think I felt like I needed to get it out. What do I say at the debrief? What can they possibly say to make me feel any better? Why have they made it so difficult for me to actually have this meeting? I have so many anxieties about it.
Thank you in advance for any advice. 