Did anyone choose not to have their dp/dh with them for childbirth?

[Tory79]

DS was born by section, dh was there, all fine.

However, I'm aiming for a vbac with ds2 due in 4 weeks, and dh I know, would prefer not to be there. He will, of course, but it would not be his preference.

I'm starting to think that maybe it would be better if he wasn't there? And someone else came with me instead (either mum or close friend, I won't know for sure as it will depend on who's available at the time, and of course childcare for ds) As I think although he'll try and be supportive in his own way, he's not very good at hiding his feelings, and no doubt I'd be getting the vibe from him that it was all a bit yuck and he wishes he was outside!

Although it would be nice to have him there, I'm not massively concerned by the thought of someone else being there. Just curious to know how common it is really, and who you had with you if not your dh.

According to my mw quite common and she wishes couples were more "open" to the idea of the birth partner being the best person not the husband feeling he "ought to" because it's what good modern husbands do. She said having a male ftp look pale and start shaking, for example, can terrify a mum even when the mw and/or doula are not worried.
She was quite firm about this at ante natal: being honest with ourselves.

But you will get people saying "he got you into this and should man up". To me that seems petty and illogical.

My DH wants to be there but I know (some elements of his job are v gruesome, others require lots of calm people skills) he is far from likely to freak out and copes very well talking to hcp as an advocate if I can't.

I'd rather dh wasn't there. He's just useless not good in situations like that and annoys me more than anything.
I'd rather be alone.
He wants to see his child born though.

I had DH with me for DC1. Vaginal birth, although I was standing up. DH couldn't see anything gruesome, and was very supportive, but
I knew him. And I knew he didn't actually enjoy it.
So for the next 2 births I have had friends do it. They were each brilliant, and I didn't regret it at all.
The friend would nip home after the birth and babysit whilst DH whiz zed over yo see "what we had"!

I think its up to you. I am always a bit horrified hearing about partners who don't want to be there because they just don't, even though the woman actually doing all the work would like them to be there, but that is not the situation you are in. If you think you would cope just as well without him, and you think over all it is the best choice for your family for him not to be there, then go with that - only you can decide what's best for you.

It's a funny one. My dh was brilliant during birth of dc1 and loved that she opened her eyes as soon as he held and talked to her. He'll want to be at birth of dc2.
I think I'd secretly prefer to get on with it on my own with just the midwives though. But don't want to hurt his feelings!

We'll I spoke to dh again and apparently he really DOES want to be there, although I said I was happy to have someone else with me.

I said I was concerned that I'd just be getting the vibe from him all the time that it was gross and he wished he was somewhere else, and he said he was sure it would be gross, but also marvellous, much like children in general! Which made me laugh.

That's nice Tory79 hoping it goes well for you all!

Back to the original question (not that it matters any more), I often wonder if I should ahve gone it aolone first time. I really wanted DP there, because I knew I'd be scared and he's my best friend as well as my partner.

But he didn't cope well, nearly fainted twice in theatre when things got a bit gruesome, and ended up not being great at all. I wish he'd been more honest with me in the run up, not that I would have had any other option - my mum lives a long way away and I don't have any close female friends.

It's a really tough situation for a lot of people.

I had my DP and my mum with me. DP stayed at the head end and saw nothing, the midwives were really good about keeping things covered up, I think he saw a bowl of placenta being carted off but we've kept that in the "things we don't talk about" box!

My mum however turned into a third midwife and got right involved!
I didn't care by this point I should add

He cut the cord though

Yep. I'm planning to be alone. We have a one year old son and quite frankly I would rather that his dad stayed with him and his routine was not disrupted more than it has to be by the new arrival. It wasn't like dh could do anything last time and he just ended up feeling like a spare part. More importantly his staying awake with me though the night meant we both went home sleep deprived and exhausted. Hope that this time he will be well rested and in a fit state to look after us all when we come home. My mum will also be around but she is older and given that she had a very traumatic time giving birth to her own babies I don't think it's fair to expect her to cope with mine as well. I think it has to be your choice but quite frankly last time I remember hearing most of the couples around me arguing anyway. Most men just seemed to be irritating there laboring partners. Mine on the other hand wisely sat completely still in the corner saying nothing and looking terrified.

I'm in two minds about DH being in the labour room, he's a bit unhelpful in that he has no idea how painful labour actually is, he actually stopped rubbing my back because the position was hurting his knees like that could possibly compare!! But at the same time, he was the only one in the room that knew something wasn't right after I gave birth, the midwives kept saying I was just dopey on gas and air and he kept insisting that I was becoming less responsive, and if it was gas and air dopiness I should be becoming more responsive as it wore off. It turns out he was right, I was still haemorrhaging for 2 hours after the birth!

Had I known about the time frame back then it would have pushed me to have put in a complaint because there was a lot about my treatment from induction onwards that I was very unhappy about, and I'll be keeping much closer tabs this time round...

He desperately wants to be in the room this time round, but he panics so much that he doesn't really help with the relaxing, and with the problems from last time he will be having a nervous break down right there in the room, I might have to force him to go through some sort of hynobirthing with me to get him to chill out :/ In an ideal world I'd have my mum (she was amazing last time, I think my one mistake was letting her go down to her camper van to sleep :P) and my sister (because nothing says don't get pregnant before you've finished uni and have a career and you know what just get a surrogate like being in the room with a labouring woman)