Husband does not want to attend birth.

[jobrum]

So as not to be rude - first post on mumsnet. I'm four months into my first pregnancy, swaying between indifference, excitment and moments of absolute terror! Hi!

I'm starting this thread as after some searching through the discussions here I have not been able to find anything where a partner does not want to be at the birth and the woman wants him to be.

I'm giving birth at City hospital midwife unit in Birmingham, or possibly one the have a mile or so away from the actual hospital. It is very unhospitally and you stay in one room for everything. I'm - so far! -very at ease with the thought of giving birth apart from that my dh has said he is not going to be there. I do understand the reasons he's given: he doesn't want to see me in pain, he won't be able to help, he will feel awkward and in the way, he's not great at giving support and another woman who has been through birth would be far more useful. But I do find him supportive and he's calming to me and knows me very well as a person as well as I obviously want him nearby if something were to go wrong.

He's suggested having his mum there who's given birth four times and I am considering this but want him around too! And I am reluctant to spend money on a doula when there are so many other costs that come with starting a family!

I want to compromise by having him there until maybe transistion or just after when he can go outside and get a cup of coffee! But so far he wont budge and I dont want this to become a drawn out argument between us.

Please tell me that someone else has been in this situation and can offer some advice. Or what have people done when the birth partner they want to be there isn't.

Is he planning to arrive soon after baby is born?
Its a shame that he doesn't want to be there, but he may well change his mind closer to the time.
Seeing a baby born is a wonderful start to the process of bonding and attachment.

Good doulas get booked up quite far in advance, so I would start looking now if I were you.
doula.org.uk

It is a little selfish of him, sorry.
Yes I understand why he's nervous and frightened. I've been a birth partner and tbh, as strange as it sounds, I'd much rather be the person giving birth.
However, if you feel strongly about him being there for you, even in the lead up to the actual birth part, then I don't think that's very supportive to you. You both made this baby and it's not as if you have a choice.
Also he hasn't done it before so he really doesn't know how he'll react.
There's honestly not a lot he can do to 'help' - could you explain that to him and that you don't expect him to be physically able to stop the pain or anything, just to hold your hand, pass you a drink etc... is all that you want.
My ex felt similar to your dh with our first but he had a change of heart and said he'd come so long as he could stay at the head end - fine by me.
By the time I came to actually give birth wild horses couldn't have dragged him AWAY from the business end :)

Good luck, hope he does come around.

Tbh I'd rather have not been present for either of mine too...

I can say I've never felt so close to dh as thru having first. But I'm afraid none of us can speak for the pair of you.

I'm not in this situation but can suggest he reads the Expectant Dad's Handbook by Dean Beaumont. There's lots in there about how much dads can do during labour/birth. Before reading this my partner had quite fixed ideas about what it would be like and his role (mainly from telly) ie he would sit in the corner while I screamed abuse at him. Now he's talking to me about what positions I want to be in, keeping things calm, advocating etc.

I think my partner is similar to yours in attitude so someone else telling him that there is a role and he is important has really helped my DP get on board. Worth a try, anyway. Good luck!

My DH missed DC1 accidentally (long story to do with transport). He was about half an hour too late. By then I was completely overthemoon and elated. I did have v strong female support with me.
The mw told me that there is some evidence that all-female support during the birth process leads to more unencumbered births...
However, you have to feel totally supported. Don't know if I'd want my motherinlaw...
Personally, I feel fatherhood is about the next 18 years, not the hospital room... But, you need to feel positive about this, not resentful. It's a tough one.

Oh dear OP that is a tough situation.
My DH wasn't sure at the beginning that he'd be able to cope with the birth so he went online and did tons of reading. He finally decided that he'd rather regret being there than regret not being there & on the day(s) he was great & saved me from a meltdown.
Would more info help-could you take him to the unit in advance & have a midwife talk everything through with him? If he has a clearer image in his head of the room & what he can do to help it might make him more open to the idea?
Everyone's labour is different & there are many women who prefer to be alone, but you don't know how you'll feel until it's happening so do have a back up person there for you, MIL or doula. Perhaps they could tag team with your DH?

Hi OP, my DH was pretty sure he didn't want to be there, but has since changed his mind. My dad recommended NCT to him - he found it really useful to help him understand his role, so we are going to do that.

My DH also spoke to a friend's husband who was pretty honest about it with him and that actually helped. I think overall for my DH it is the worry about being so utterly helpless and I think lots of information beforehand is helping him feel more in control. Also, lots of reassurance from me that I don't expect him to know what he is doing, but having him there for me is helpful, even if he feels at a loose end.

Wow, thanks to everyone. It's quite reassuring as I have never done this before so have no idea how I will actually feel when I'm squeezing another human being out of me, I might not want him anywhere near me! I'm putting together a list that I hope we'll be able to talk to. I might even show him this thread. The idea of not having his support is the only thing I've been worried about when thinking about the birth but I'm also aware of the studies that show that men are more of a hindrance than a help which I think is why I haven't pushed it more when we've briefly discussed it. But I'm sure the next five months are going to fly by just like this year so far has so I need to start sorting this! The more I think about, I just want to know he's close by and that I won't be on my own at all.

JunniDD & amicablemoomin, I'll have a look at that book and the NCT, I've just glanced over the website so far.

My DH didnt want to be there at the birth of our first either but I forced him to and tbh he was so unbelievably crap (sat ignoring me reading the paper) that I wished I had got someone supportive or paid someone to support me. Im still really angry about it and it was nearly 9 years ago.

With Dd's birth, my midwife yelled at him to get up and support me! She also called him lazy. I loved her!!

I was on the ward afterwards when a recently delivered woman came in. Her husband was laughing at her "your face was sooo funny..." "Well, you try squeezing a seven pound baby out if you" and I felt sorry for both of them... Her because she didn't get the support she needed, him because I think his laughter came from awkwardness... Either that or he was an idiot...

knowing my x was uncomfortable was an extra layer of discomfort and stress for me. even though outwardly he was fine.

i would have preferred my mum or a sister or a friend if that had been possible.

I had both my best friend and my husband with me both times. Do you have anybody close you could ask who would like to be there for you?

My dh was at neither of our girl's births. He was at the hospital both times, with dd1 he was with me until I had to go in for a crash section, (under GA) but we also had a friend there, as I knew that he would not stay in the room.

Second dc was a section, he waited in recovery & I had someone else with me.

My consultant said that they would rather they didn't have someone in the room while they were operating, because if he passed out (highly likely) they would have to make sure he was OK, when they would rather all their attention was on me & dc.

I know that you have said he isn't squeamish, but if he is likely to panic, it is going to worry & stress you & possible annoy the people looking after you.

Your dh knows himself best, and shouldn't be forced to do something that may make him uncomfortable.

Dh not being with either time has not affected our relationship, or his relationships with our girls. Raising children is about so much more than witnessing the birth.

I found my husband's presence didn't help a lot for all of my labours and I've had 3. I hired a doula for my 3rd birth however and she was great. I'd consider hiring a doula again if I have the money and if I have another baby. I found her at the Doula UK site and it didn't take long. I read several doulas' websites and got a feel for them. I wanted a home waterbirth and I chose mine because she was the only one out of the few who has had 3 home waterbirths with her DCs as well as being trained and well connected to a very experienced waterbirth mw... she's in training at the time as well so charged me less than the usual rate. Doulas normally offer a free first consultation visit so you can get a feel for them and decide if you want to go with them.

Obviously you have to sort this out between the two of you, no-one else can tell you what's right. The one thing I'd say is that I found birth a very intense experience and I think I would find it difficult if my partner hadn't shared that experience. We still talk about it quite a lot and I like that he knows exactly what happened. I feel like it brought us even closer together. He couldn't really do anything to actually help, except hold me when I needed it, but I can't imagine having gone through it without him.

If he doesn't want to attend, shame but I would accept that. Perhaps get him to attend nct as a condition in case he changes his mind? Far worse is the suggestion his mother attends in his place! I think that's ridiculous, unless she is effectively like a mother to you. I get along fine with my mil but I can't imagine anything worse than her seeing me at such a personal time and in such a vulnerable state.

Have you looked at any birth courses? We did a hypnobirthing course for our second and it was great for giving DH much more of a role, where his job was to keep me calm, communicate with the team etc - it made him so much happier and better than the first time round, where he was about as helpful as a chocolate teapot! if you're a bit strapped for cash, or want a sample before you go on a course, Juju Sundin's Birth Skills is fab.

I'd be a bit sad in your position too, but there is a lot more time to come and things might change, or if not maybe there is a way to work it out together. Remember that once it is the big day and big moment the most important thing is for you and the baby to have as good a delivery as possible, and in the end he does have a job which is to help with that, whether it means he sorts out alternative support or manages to make it there for some of it.

When you're pregnant there's so much focus on the birth, but there'll be a lot more to come afterwards, it's lovely if he can be there but otherwise so long as he is there for you both afterwards that is most important.

I had a doula with my second. DH was banned from being there even though he wanted to be. He had been to all the NCT classes, and even though he was with me for only 10 minutes at the end, he told me to 'push!' when DC1 was crowning when really I shouldve been slowly breathing her out.

I tore, I haemorhaged as well, he needed medical assistance.

Honestly why anyone would want a bloke assisting you when they have absolutely zero experience is beyond me.

Doula, was a mother, she knew what to do and say at the right time. She made sure I didn't tear whilst the midwives were busy getting ready to catch baby (it was very quick and unexpected for them).

My waters broke with force when delivering my second, I don't think anyone remained dry in that room. DH only saw me once me the room was cleaned up. It was best for all he wasn't there.

My DH was surprisingly great.

Maybe he can just try it. If he starts to feel really uncomfortable he can retreat.

my DH didn't actually do anything when I was in labour. He sat in the corner, out of the way of the midwife, and read a book for 15 hours or so. If I wanted him to, he held my hand for a bit. But mostly he was bored out of his mind.

But it was perfect for us. He was there when I needed him, but he wasn't fussing over me and distracting me. I ended up with an emcs and he was amazing at that stage, wiped my tears away, squeezed my hand, told me everything would be ok.

Would your partner consider something like that as a compromise? To be there, but in the background?

I've just done the NCT classes today and I think the men in the room found it more helpful than the women. There were lots of questions about how long it takes, where to sit (business end or not), cutting cords, understanding the various phases of labour and it was really useful. OBEM isn't the best training as it shows the highlights rather than the reality of 17 hours of labour, and the difference between dilating contractions and pushing contractions. The leader talked though what the partners could do for you.

Anyway, back on topic, NCT might help with his fears. Understanding what is expected may help.

However, if I'm totally honest I don't think I'd want my husband there! I'm having an C-section, but if I did labour the idea of my husband faffing around, sleeping, playing on his phone, chewing his nails etc would drive me crazy. And he would be constantly saying things like 'well, this is what you wanted'. And at the same time I'd be worrying about him being bored, or unsure what to do etc. I don't think I could focus on myself while being annoyed by him worrying about him.

I had a friend who had a doula, after an early decision by her husband that he wouldn't be there. She loved it, could relax and focus on herself, had someone who was an expert and an advocate for her. I'd totally do that rather than relying on my husband.