ELCS fears - bonding with the baby and feeling positive?

[Plateofcrumbs]

Am 36 weeks and think it's likely I'm going to be advised to have an ELCS after I've been psyching myself up for a natural birth.

My main fear is that I won't bond with the baby. I think I've read too much about natural birth and attached a lot of significance to going through that process - that it will somehow be what transforms me into a mother, the importance of oxytocin and skin-on-skin etc.

I'm not one of those people who is naturally overwhelmed with excitement about the prospect of having a cute little baby but everything I had read, hypnobirthing CDs NCT etc had really helped me feel more positive - it's just all being tied up with the idea of giving birth.

Reassurance or ideas about how I can get into a more positive frame of mind about ELCS would be really appreciated.

Eurochick, please discuss how you can spend time with your baby after the birth. In this country, I can't imagine you will be totally apart for days. I was walking less then 24 hours after my section as ds had to go to Special Care. They were also willing to push my in a wheelchair. I couldn't stay in SCBU because I had another baby (twin) who was not allowed down there (risks of infection or something) so I stayed with her, but there were rooms for parents in the SCBU area.

My mw described a CS as going to sleep on Christmas Eve and waking up on Boxing Day with the main event over.

Are you going under general anesthetic? If you are concerned can they not do it with a spinal/epidural, so you're awake and aware throughout?

I'm a bit she would say that from a mental health perspective. Even my pro-pro-pro-VB yoga people don't say that! You're there/awake, and the baby is arriving, just in a different way.

I think it's an ok analogy for a general, but certainly not for a normal section. If you had to stretch it, surely that's more like watching whilst someone else undoes the sellotape.

You only miss the birth during a section if you have a general anaesthetic, so that Christmas analogy is a bit misleading. I was absolutely drugged up to my eyeballs for my emergency section (diamorphine plus no sleep for nearly three days ) and I still remember it. I remember her crying as they pulled her out, I remember her tiny face with the wide eyes peeking out of the huge towel they wrapped her in. I remember her being tucked under my hospital gown and her squirming round, licking my nipple a bit and then falling asleep on my chest with her mouth open

Please don't be worried OP. I have not had a CS, but this topic has come up among my friends who have had only ELCS or EMCS. I had a vaginal birth, ok a bit scary/intense because it was fast, but not anything like a forceps situation etc.

This is what I tell them. I felt nothing for my son when he was born. Nothing. Nada. Zip. He could have been a kitten or a chicken or a bag of sausages, I did not give one shit about him, I was just relieved the whole thing was over. And this was all while he was having CPR as he inhaled some meconium when he was born. Even when he was on my chest afterwards, I felt nothing. Just spaced out shock, DH was the same, it was all a bit "errr ok now what?! Holy crap there's a baby here!". My friends who have had CS say they think it was their CS that made them feeling nothing/hard to bond immediately with their child - I said errrr no! It totally depends on the situation. It is normal to not feel a rush of love/feel much of anything. Some people do and some don't. I didn't feel true "love" for my son until he was about 4 weeks old, or older.

I think I would definitely have felt more for DS/bonded more had I had an ELCS - because I wouldn't have been in such shock! Can't say what it would've been like with an EMCS though, probably would've been just as shocked.

DMIL who had an EMCS under general anaesthetic bonded immediately with her DD, didn't understand what I meant when I said I felt nothing. So the "missing Christmas Day" analogy is quite false, and I think very bad from a mental health of the mother perspective.

I think I will feel more for my next baby (currently preg) at birth, because I've done it before. But I'm not expecting to feel a rush of love this time immediately either - because regardless of how your baby comes out, it's a big deal, and a lot for your head to deal with BEFORE you even get to the concept of the tiny human being that was the product of the situation.

I think it's totally unrealistic to expect some amazing "bonding" experience at birth, and fixate on a vaginal birth being the key to that. If it's your first child, you don't know what it is to love a child. You've never done it before! It's like falling in love with a man/woman romantically - some people feel love at first sight, others it takes time to build up and then they realise after a wee while that what they feel is love!

I know I'll be awake (barring some unforeseen issue). The Christmas analogy still rings true for me. It actually helped me rationalise it a bit.

Merry I know we won't (hopefully) be apart completely for days, but it's going to be tough initially while I'm in recovery and the baby is whisked away (at a point when he/she should still be inside me for several more weeks), and when I'm discharged but the baby is still in NICU/SCBU.

I'm assuming this is your first - giving birth is just a day ( or 2) it's about the baby arriving safely. A few months down the line it won't matter in my opinion. I had to have a planned cs and bonded. Ds being laid next to me for the first time was v special. The team were great - it was the surgeons dd birthday who had been delivered in the same theatre

I'm glad you had a good experience.

I'm less concerned about bonding than the OP. My concerns are more around fear of hospitals and surgery (the latter is probably a phobia, to be frank) and the concerns around caring for a prem baby. I don't want to hijack.

I am certain it will matter to me. Everyone said when I was reluctantly having IVF that the method of conception wouldn't matter to me once I was pregnant. They were wrong. It does still matter to me. I know myself well and I am sure that I will feel the same about the CS, despite assurances from others. My mw is helping to set up counselling for me afterwards, around both the CS and prem issues.

euro, I think if you are having a prem baby, the CS is the least of your worries. I do think you need to get your head round the baby in special care rather than the method of delivery. Hope he/ she doesn't need to be there too long. Try to relax. There are a million and one things to worry about with a baby/ toddler/ child/ pre teen/ teen etc. Anxiety can become your very best friend.

euro I hope everything goes well for you. I was a bit at your mw's analogy too but if it's helping you process the situation then it's doing the trick.

I think one of the reasons I'm planning an elective CS (and it is purely a choice thing, no medical reason for me to have one) is that I've had surgery (under GA) many times (am in good health, just a combination of orthodontic issues and general klutziness) so a surgical environment holds no fears for me.

I don't think a CS is an easier option but when I looked at the different set of risks for a CS vs a VB, I was more comfortable with the CS risks. It's not just about the baby arriving safely to me (though that is of course a massive priority) - it's about protecting myself from continuing damage after the birth. My biggest fear is not a VB, but is a forceps intervention or an EMCS, and choosing an ELCS was IMO the best way to avoid these two outcomes.

Sorry OP have gone off on a bit of a tangent. I guess what I am saying is that it depends on what perspective you'r coming from - far from being a negative thing, to me an ELCS is my preferred option.

You can still ask for lots of skin to skin and breastfeed successfully OP with your ELCS, good luck!

Honestly it won't be an issue after your child is born!

I was the same as you - had read ina may gaskin and juju sundin, had spent weeks practising my hypno birthing breathing but ended up with an ELCS after a failed ECV for breech.

DS was delivered straight onto my chest and I breastfed in recovery and we was doing skin to skin within half an hour and continued skin to skin for most of the day.

The theatre team made us feel so special and I have wonderful fond memories of it. I would have another in a heartbeat and don't feel "robbed" of a birth experience at all as I have a healthy baby boy.

The recovery was a breeze btw.

And after some months, no one really cares about the delivery method, you will be worrying about purees, BLW, what sling/pushchair to buy, etc. Enjoy every minute of whatever delivery you have.

I don't know if this helps but perhaps. For our dd an elcs was her only safe exit. I was terrified of bleeding and of losing her. I'd been on the antenatal ward for 5 wks and the elcs was what we longed for - natural delivery could well have ended very badly as could an emergency c section. It was a quick birth, she was put next to me straight away. Then her difficulties were spotted and she was whisked away to nicu. I didn't know what had happened until the consultant wheeled me down from the postnatal ward to see her hooked up to machines. We didn't get to hold her for 3 days. Feeding wasn't possible for 10 days. We bonded through the portholes of her incubator. I'm trying to say don't worry. It is possible to bond in even the most difficult of circumstances. Good luck, it will be ok.

euro glad you are getting support about your worries and don't worry about hijacking the thread, I hope some if the comments help you a little.

Well after all that an ELCS looks less likely for me as my breech baby has turned (literally minutes before I was due an ECV). But I feel much more at peace with a c-section being a potential outcome now.

Yes, thanks for that Merry. I hadn't been worrying about the baby being prem at all...

Plateofcrumbs it's great that your baby has turned! I hope you have a lovely birth, by whatever method.

I'm not saying that you are not worried about the baby being prem, but that it's a matter of perspective. Who really cares how this baby comes out when it's going to be prem? If you had the baby naturally but he/ she was premature, you would have exactly the same issues. I can see the Christmas day analogy working when it comes to the difficult time of being separated after the birth and your discharge from hospital, but not do with the CS.

I do hope it goes ok and baby isn't in too long.

Me. I care.

And no, the issues wouldn't be the same if I had a natural birth as I would be able to go and see my baby in NICU rather than being paralysed from the waist down and recovering from major surgery on top of everything else.

I'm leaving this thread now as certain posters are making and upsetting and stressful time of my life more so.

OP, I hope you have a great birth, whichever way the baby comes out.