Cardiac arrest during elective caesarian section. Nevergoogle in need of a bit of support.

[nevergoogle]

DS3, who is a lovely bundle of loveliness, arrived by elective c-section a week ago.

For unknown reasons (so far) I had a cardiac arrest during the surgery where my heart slowed to a complete stop. I was resuscitated with CPR and adrenaline before surgery was completed and I was transferred to intensive care. All tests so far point to an otherwise healthy heart. (Usual obs monitoring, ECG's and US)

In time I will be having follow up input from cardiology/anaesthetics/obgyn/perinatal mental health team/intensive care psychology. I'm now home wearing a 24 hour heart trace.

We haven't announced this in RL (apart from close friends and family), so if you know me please be discrete, we're still getting our heads around what happened.

But just WTF? How do I process this? How do I rebuild myself, DH and I feel completely steamrollered. All the while DS3 is BFing on demand 2 hourly, and I have all the usual c-section recovery to contend with. The other two children aren't aware but are starting to question why I keep crying and me saying I'm just so happy to be their mum is being met with .

I have zero concentration, tv/radio/music is just noise, I can't face phonecalls/visitors and apart from a birth announcement on facebook I just can't do it. I'm not even sure i'm ready for this thread so may bow out if it gets overwhelming.

On the upside, DH and I are being spectacularly kind and patient with each other and the children. We are having lots of quality time and keeping life simple and there is an atmosphere of calm in between my moments of despair and sobbing.

Anybody been through similar?

[nevergoogle]

progress on the 'noise' issue. i listened to two albums i bought before the birth today and had a bit of a post c-section dance around my kitchen today.

i can wholeheartedly recommend the new paloma faith album and joan as policewoman classic album. so good.

feeling a bit more myself every day.

[KristinaM]

I do think it's normal to feel pretty crap one week after a CS, never mind what you went through. Be kind to yourself . I know it's a cliche but you will have good days and and bad days. It's normal

[nevergoogle]

rough day today. irritable and just keep crying.

good friday? i've had better.

Baby not sleeping well which is not helpful.

[KristinaM]

Yup, I suspect sleep derivation not helpful . On top of everything. During my earlier pregnancies I prayed every day that my baby would be healthy. By the last one I prayed that I would get one who slept . Sigh . He's 8 now and I can still remember the torture of sleep deprivation. That's why he's the last.

The crying and irritability sounds very normal , it's good your mind and body seem to be processing everything that's happened ,rather than you floating about like wonder woman making dinner for everyone, declaring

" oh it's nothing, just a little MI, I just take a couple of paracetamol and get on with it "

The crying and stuff is very tiring, isn't it.I guess it's grief and shock . Wears you out. I'm mega impressed that you are still able to post on mumsnet, it shows that part of the old you is still functioning . Even if your body belongs to some old bag and is leaking everywhere. Post partum isn't all it's cracked up to be ,is it? Especially with an MI thrown in for good measure

[KristinaM]

Hope you got some sleep last night.

[nevergoogle]

I did. DH took baby downstairs between feeds and i think i fed him at 12.30, then 6??? I still got up for a wander around like a security guard at 3 though.

DH is now exhausted and back in bed but i'm at least feeling a bit better.

[KristinaM]

Ha ha! So like a man to be exhausted after one night of broken sleep. Make sure he does it every night over the holiday weekend. < no sympathy>

[nevergoogle]

The IL's have arrived. DH and them have decided a trip to the beach with the older children is required. DH will be run ragged as he'll have to co-ordinate the whole thing and drive and will return here this afternoon as good as useless.

But won't it be simply marvellous

It's a shite idea and I'm ignoring the stupidity of it all. How marvellously helpful to drag DH out for the day on an outing. But then it's his own dumb idea. No sense any of them.

[nevergoogle]

don't want to turn this into a PIL rantythread but what exactly does this mean, re: breastfeeding.

"well at least if you do it for a few weeks that will be good".

why would I give up BF just when it starts to get easier after all that hard work?

I replied 'Oh i'll be feeding him for as long as he wants to, and at least a year or two'

[nevergoogle]

i'm going to set her pacemaker off later by showing her the washable nappies

[Nattynamechange]

Have NC'd so not outed!

So sorry to hear what you've been through nevergoogle. And coping with a newborn too - you are amazing!

Just wanted to come & reassure you that in time it will all get better. I had a stroke out of the blue 6 years ago at 27 - just woke up unable to move one side of my body. I had no previous medical conditions, didn't smoke/drink heavily/do drugs, there was no way to see it coming. I received excellent treatment & made a full physical recovery in a week or two. However I spent the next few months (and years, but less severely!) coming to terms with what had happened. It was like I didn't trust my body any more, I had been fine & then suddenly had this potentially life-changing event occur. I had panic attacks and constant anxiety. Thanks to my amazing boyfriend (now DH) and family, I stopped just short of full-on depression but it was borderline.

In my head though, I knew things would get better just with time & distance from what had happened - I wanted to fast forward a couple of years into the future and be done with constant worrying. I had counselling which helped a little, but it was only time and loving support that helped really. Now I go months without even thinking about what happened (never thought I'd get to that point!), I have a beautiful DD and no-one would ever guess what I went through.

You will get there too, I promise. The ITU you were admitted on should have details of counselling/support services or the British Heart Foundation if you are in the
UK. Just give yourself time and let yourself be looked after .

[KristinaM]

Such a lovely post natty, and well done on you recovery and DD.

Never google -it's your thread so you can turn it into a ranty PIL thread if you want. Why don't PIL take out other kids and leave DH at home to look after you and baby ? Bloody hell, when men have heart attacks they get to rest up for weeks

[nevergoogle]

yup, PIL came around. i said it was best to leave DH to sleep and asked them to take the kids out which they have done.

the beach can bloody wait.

[BecauseImWoeufIt]

My PILs, (who are lovely,) decided when they came to visit after DS1 was born, that their gift to me would be to buy and install a rotary clothes line in the garden.

No making me cups of tea or asking if I wanted anything to eat - in the middle of all of that, I was constantly in the kitchen catering for them.

Even though I love them, I've never forgiven them for that

Enjoy your peace and quiet, nevergoogle, and take it easy.

[nevergoogle]

Thanks 1944. I can imagine 45 years ago there was no support after such a trauma. I am lucky that this is happening in 2014.

Anybody know why everything doesn't feel real?

I'm carrying on as normal with focus on the baby really, but something doesn't feel right. Like i'm not feeling. Saying that, i'm not without emotion, lots of tears, irritability and even laughter and falling in love with my baby.

I went for a walk this afternoon pushing the pram. I feel a bit disengaged from everyone while i'm out. I wouldn't normally feel engaged with strangers either but the town was busy and i feel kind of in my own bubble. Not explaining very well, feels strange.

[KristinaM]

Yup, that detached feeling is shock and grief. It's totally normal. Your minds way of protecting yourself, so you get a chance to process it all at your own speed, bit by bit.

Make sure that someone takes lots of ohotos and videos of the new baby, because you mind find that you don't remember very much about this stage later. It can be a bit of a blur.

[KristinaM]

Do you find that you can't cope with music or tv or small talk? Or that the usual children chatter really bugs you? I found that it was like my mind was a computer running a bug update in the background, so that's there was hardly any space left . So simple things like making a sandwich used up the tiny amount of processing speed left and I couldn't concentrate ona conversation at the same time.

[KristinaM]

I think you are doing really well to have enough energy and emotion left to fall in love with your baby. As ,long as you can act normally towards everyone else, your DH and kids, the feelings will catch up eventually. Your relationship with them is strong, it will survive a few months when you are a bit distracted.

You might not have enough energy for people outside your immediate family, but that's fine. Everyone else can wait . You might need to be a bit ruthless and concentrate your limited energy on those who matter most.

[Celestria]

Never google.

I completely relate to that feeling of things not seeming real, something just isn't right. It's so hard to explain but I get it.

It has a name and it's an extreme stress reaction. It's harmless and it goes away once your body and mind is through it's trauma. It takes time.

The reason I believe it happens is that you have had your beliefs shaken. One minute the world seemed a safe place, next minute you had a cardiac arrest and could have died. You will have anxiety and any near death experience leaves you feeling insecure in the world around you.

I went on anti depressants to help deal with my extreme stress reactions and my symptoms slowly died down. I barely notice them now. But even without tablets you will get there, your body and mind has had a shock, it needs time to process and recover. Try not to worry about yourself and find a way to make peace with your fears if you can.

[theborrower]

Nevergoogle - I'm really pleased to read that you have lots of planned aftercare and your medical team have been in touch and are looking out for you. I hope that in time both you and your DH are able to process this and find counselling helpful, you must be in shock at the moment. Take care of yourself, and sod the visitors if you're not feeling up to it.

Wishing you a healthy and speedy recovery. And your new baby is gorgeous. Gorgeous! Congratulations x

[BecauseImWoeufIt]

I react to GA like this nevergoogle - feels a bit like being in a bubble.

[KristinaM]

How are you feeling today, never google?

[whydoesitalwayshappentome]

Just reading this and although I didn't have a cardiac arrest I was very poorly after emergency section. Took 3 hours to stabilise me. How you feel is normal and it takes a while to get your head round.

[nevergoogle]

in all honesty, i don't know how I am. i really don't know.